Yes its that time of the year and in stead of doing a post SMX review, we thought we would get in Barry’s face and do a pre Sydney SMX review.BTW the conference is the 3-4th April and at the very fancy Hilton Hotel in Sydney, Australia.
Matt Cutts
The search nerds are excited and no doubt preparing. To ensure you are ready for SMX 2013, here are our tips for those of you attending:
- Do not go outside, it may even be too late. Any sign of a tan = no credibility
- Dig out the oldest and worst fitting jeans you have and do not under any circumstances iron them
- Get your old hiking boots out, scuff them
- Find an old conference t shirt, preferably US based and from pre 2010, for real street cred
- Stop doing you hair as of today and make sure you have some facial heair. Girls you can try this as well
- Fire up Twitter, Google + and make sure you have some boring, inane quotes related to search
- Start telling everyone you are going to “live blog” SMX
- Find an Apple anything. Do not go with a Microsoft anything. Samsung OK.
- Practice your snorting loud laugh repeatedly for he tea breaks and laughing at fellow nerd jokes
The whose who of the SEO zoo and more are going to be there. Some of the larger and more trendy Ad agencies have finally figured out what SEO is so if you see well dressed, overly cool people there, these folk are probably from these agencies and don’t talk to them, they are expensive and probably won’t be there in 3 months from now.
Highlights to look out for…
- Rand Fishkin – Debonair, funny, cool and the boss of SEOmoz. Hang with Rand, he is friendly and hopes you will sign up to SEOmoz. Girls don’t wear American undies around Rand, you know what they say, 1 yank and they’re off.
- Marty Weintraub – Energetic, the Kaksak gets tired just watching him, but he is awesome. Taught me all I know, but he will deny that ofcourse!
- Dejan Petrovic and his Ukrainian band, up from Brisbane. Lots of interesting testing going on, just don’t f#$k with them!
- Jeremy Bolt – Does this dude ever smile? Bruce Clay, the suits and a formal bunch in the SEO world. Im scared of them, they know too much! Hang on, where is Bruce?
- Chris Dimmock – One of the originals and refusing to let go
- Monte Huebsch – Funny man, attend one of his sessions to see why. Entertaining and usually good take aways, but don’t expect fancy slides!
- Barry Smyth – Hang on isn’t he the organiser? ?Multi tasking?
- Mike Motherwell – WTF? He is not on the speakers list? If Mike is not there, I’m?not going even if I have a free ticket! Can someone start a petition about this?
- Brian White – From Google. We love you Brian. We don’t spam here, but we love you! Remember than when you see the Kaksak whizz by on that spam report!
- Others from Distilled, Mindshare, SEO Gadget, Clever Clicks etc. These will be the well dressed people!
Where are all the other SEO agencies from large agencies? Reprise, Outrider, First, eWeb, Razorfish, DGM, First Click and more. No sign? Are they still doing SEO. I thought this was a search conference? Barry WTF is going n here. Did you not call these people?
5 things I want to learn at SMX in 2013:
- Is Mike Motherwell dating?
- Is SEO dead? If so can I get my money back? Who the hell is sending me all my traffic then?
- Is Barry actually in charge or just a mambot?
- Can the Google webspam team be “influenced”. If we did a blogpost reviewing Google for them would they overlook certain things in return?
- Should I optimise the Kaksak for Yahoo, now that super babe Marissa is in charge? Can I do this at home?
Enjoy SMX, the Kaksak is excited and looking forward to it? In the mean time, Happy Easter!
The Real Kaksak on March 27, 2013 | Filed Under Australian news | Comments Off
Really inappropriate jokes, but what else did you expect?
- I called by drug dealer, but he was on another line
- Called the swine flu help line, but all I got was crackling
- Call my SEO, but he was on a call, telephone, mobile phone, cordless phone, telstra, optus, vodafone
- Called the Plastic Surgeon, but was cut off
Sorry, so bad only 4, but Im sure you have more…
The Real Kaksak on February 25, 2013 | Filed Under Australian Jokes | Comments Off
Things you should not be saying or don’t want to hear on Valentines Day:
- Shall we split the bill?
- I’m tired, I might head home
- I’ve lost my keys
- I think the batteries are flat…
- Did you bring the beer?
- It won’t start!
- I have a headache
- You have a headache?
- I think I might puke!
- There is something I have to tell you!
- Reminds me of Chuck Norris
- Anything to do with ex girlfriends or boyfriends
- Looks like it fell out my wallet, maybe at your mom’s place?
- Can I read you this poem I wrote for you
- This is my friend Kylie, she is starting weight watchers and wanted to come to dinner with us
- I will be there at 6 to serenade you
- My parents aren’t going away any more
- Remember that video we took..
- There is something we have to talk about
So long suckers. Enjoy Valentines Day….
So how many single men does it take to avoid Valentines Day? None! Its never happened. How many get lucky on Valentines Day. Well only 39.6% and then around 42% within a week and 56% within 2 years. But what you should know is that on any other given night people, both men and women with intent will get lucky around 69%. Well actually that’s 100% for women and 35% for men, the difference accounts for the gay population who help bring the average up.
So check out our Valentines Day Gifts, carefully researched. All the best ideas, right here! Actually, set your objectives first then read our carefully concocted gift list to help you achieve your goals. That is what the Kaksak is all about helping our boys and gals get further in life.
We note. No affiliate and no sponsored posts here, this was all our own brilliance!
You and Valentines Day! What should you do?
- You are in love with a self obsessed, narcissistic tool! This can be good as you don’t have to love him or her, they totally in love with themselves.Awesome narcissist gift idea. Remember, whatever you do, do not tell him to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror.
- You want to end it but are too scared too, she is bigger than you: Email her a link to this online check your weight tool?from your Gmail account and then close it. Quick. Also move interstate. Darwin is good. Never, never come back.
- You want to end it because he is such a Geek! Never gets out, always on his f#$king computer. This is it, put your foot down, open the curtains and order one of these, don’t worry he will never email, Skype, Twitter or Facebook you again. Just make sure you return the Play Station.
- You want to end it, but you need him to drive you to work. The bus sucks! So no sex, don’t get the wrong idea, just want to be friends, you happen to have a work function on V Day night can you believe it, the bastards you say, but you need to keep your work transport going, need to get to work you know. Here is the perfect “get no ideas” gift. If you order this you also really need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, unless ofcourse you get gift idea #1 as well.
- If you want to give her the shits big time, then buy her this.?Guaranteed or your money back. Might not work if she is Geek. Consider carefully before ordering.
- You need all the help you can get, no guarantees here but it has been known to get at the least a one night stand! Seriously, and who gives a shit if you can’t pay your rent or eat for the next 7 months, the sweet memories will linger on. No trust us, not…
- If all you think about is sex, then you?wouldn’t?be here anyway. Probably be on a porn site so this is just a?place holder.
- If you have been dating, but only fully clothed and need to bring it to a head, excuse the pun! You haven’t had sex yet, but this is the big one, go big or go home, this is the night it’s going down. Here is what we suggest. Just don’t let it get unwrapped at dinner. You might also want to practice your right arm block for the head slap and bring a change of shirt so you can change after you get the glass of red wine on your head. But hey, YOLO.
- If you you want to be in the 39,6% every time, especially if you are married. Actually no, single and want to wake up with a smile on your dial. Thy this, helping get Australians laid for years now. No seriously Traditional Valentines, boring but effective flowers. You can’t go wrong. Statistically, the bigger the bottle the more your chances increase, but this does not apply to the more roses you send. Actually a magnum of champagne and 1 rose will significantly increase your chances of getting lucky and is statistically 2,350% high chance than 1,500 roses and 1ml of Champagne has.
- If you seriously want to get laid, but don’t really give a shit and couldn’t be bothered. Nothing we suggest is really going t help then.
So good luck and good night and remember. If its not on, its not on. Actually if you a guy, its always on, except if its not if you know what I mean. Good luck and enjoy Valentines Day. And if all else fails, speak to Riaan at the Springbok butcher, they have excellent gift ideas… Also we did a statistics course, kind of, in the pub and you really should not rely ont he quoted statistics, they are for informational purposes only.
The Real Kaksak on February 7, 2013 | Filed Under Australian news | Comments Off
Happy New Year or just New Year, depending on how you are feeling today. Some of the unconfirmed worst jokes of 2012 to get you into just the right mood for 2013.
Last night I dialled 000 by mistake, so had to set the house on fire not to look stupid!
I had sex with a head ache. Hear that girls, no one died!!
To this day the bully at Bankstown high still takes my lunch money, but he does make a good quarter pounder
Called my drug councillor last night.?Couldn’t get through, they said he was on another line…
When you are married you can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina
Im good at remembering facts. There are 3,500 types of lice and that’s just off the top of my head
I’m have a recycling party next week. Bring your own bottle…..
Running away from your problems doesn’t help, unless you are fat
The Cod population has dropped significantly. Clearly they are taking a battering
Elvis my pet mouse died. He was caught in a ?trap…
An Apple fan walks into a bar, orders the same drink and pays more than yesterday
I asked the air hostess. Can you telephone from this plane Ofcourse she said, a plane is a big thing with wings!
The air hostess said. Would you like Head Phones. I said, how did you know my name was Phones?
Got up at 6am. Did Yoga, called a friend and had salad for breakfast. Then started found I could no longer drive…
I got in touch with my inner self today. Last time I buy cheap toilet paper from K Mart
I said to my GF. Before we met I was promiscuous. She said, Thats OK I love Greek Mythology
When it comes to online dating. Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer, men are afraid of meeting someone fat!
The Olympic Russian body builders have iPads strapped to their arms..
I nearly forgot to update my status after Id been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been..
Took a ring into the pawn shop to sell. They said “Is it stolen?” I said “Hell no”. They said:”Whose finger is that then?”
Suicide is not the answer. She insisted it was. We lost trivia night by 1 point!
My wife says the breast implants make her uncomfortable. I think I look sexy!
I tried to give my office perve a high 5 yesterday. She swerved it, so I did a cart wheel to avoid looking like a complete dick…
The world is US$6 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe this to?
Horse walks into the pub. The barman says “So why the long face?”
My boss noticed me nodding off in a meeting. He said “Not getting enough sleep?” I said “Yes, the meetings are shorter these days”
An over the shoulder stare and lip lick is highly seductive, unless you are having your prostrate exam!
When having your prostrate exam, just be sure the doctor does not have both hands on your shoulders!
We were really pissed last night. Cooke the meet pies at 15 degrees for 180 minutes.
Just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the road drinking beer. Its either a grim reaper party or someone’s cat is actually dead.
Quit while you are ahead my dad said. No wonder I was never any good at the 100m sprint
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you”. My first and last day as hostage negotiator.
“Bought a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if within 1 foot. Note to self, don’t keep in back pocket!
I will deal with you in my office. said the head master. I sold him half an ounce…
Want to buy my GF some London Bridge undies, I hear they keep falling down…
I want to find my GF some American undies. I hear 1 yank and they are off…
On the Internet you can chose to be anyone you want. Amazing how most chose to be complete assholes…
Given what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself…
Policeman stopped me and asked I I by any chance had any drugs on me. Said “Sorry mate, sold the lot!”
Oh, and best wishes for the New Year…
We wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all our festive readers but our lawyer said it had to be appropriate, so after much deliberation this is what we have been allowed to post, given the high levels of political correctness, our Government and all the litigation going around:
The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.
The Kaksak would also like to take this unbiased opportunity to wish you all a personally fulfilling, medically neutral recognition of the onset of the locally accepted calendar year 2013 and apologise to all those communities who may celebrate the start of the year at a recognised different time. We acknowledge your right to do this and respect that right as a democratic and fair society. We also apologise for mentioning the year 2013 and acknowledge that the number 13 may be considered unlucky for some and that this could cause stress. Should this occur we suggest you consult a medical professional immediately.
By accepting this message you agree to the following terms and conditions:
- This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, without formal communication of any change
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- Should you require counselling as a result of reading this message that these costs are for your account and the Kaksak will not be liable for any costs associated with this message. You should also just harden the f*&k up!
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Without prejudice
The Kaksak
