If famous brand taglines were used on condoms. Thanks to the folks at NewCondoms.tumblr.com. Makes you think doesn’t it?
After reading John Raath’s post called “You need a plan to live in South Africa” we at the Kaksak thought about what sort of plan you may need to live in Australia, if you were a South African.
We think John has missed out all the countries that are in fact not worse than South Africa and in fact had only considered the countries worse than South Africa as movable options.
Secondly he mentions the things that are special like mountains and wine and people and as such insinuates that there are no other beautiful countries in the world.
John, we at the Kaksak think you need to get out more.
Having said that, we do love the motherland, Biltong and ofcourse the Springboks and watch in sadness at some of the issues consuming South Africa at this time.
So back to Aussie. If you are a South African immigrant, here are the things you need to plan for in Australia:
You can read the original article “You need a plan to live in South Africa” here.
And aside from that, enjoy the wonderful people, countryside, snow, mountains, Great Barrier reef and all the other wonderful things Australia has to offer you and your family.
As you know, along with everyone else we don’t really look at any porn here at the Kaksak. The porn industry is a billion dollar industry watched by nobody. Nobody who will admit to it. If you are one of them this post is for you. See what happens as you watch more and more porn. Graphs are powered by Kaksak Research:
So, we have seen NSW beat Queensland in Origin, we have seen Spain been beaten twice and we have Julian Assange asking the US to drop the investigation into Wiki leaks.
What we havent seen until today is a happy person doing search marketing. Yes friends, something we thought we would never see and it has happened. How on earth, we have no idea. Neverthess there is a happiest man in search. Good luck brother. May the force be with you. Maybe its the water in Melbourne who knows, but happy days indeed.
Now get me another beer! Lets watch some football. How do I find the scores again. Hangon, let me search!!! And that my friends is why we have a happiest man in Search.
Pretty much every day shit for me, Duke Dumont just managed to out some music to it. Well done:
Similar thing happened to me in Penrith once at the leagues club. Managed to squeeze out of the ladies toilet window and escape in my ute just before it got ugly. Chick looked similar as well. Streuth!!
Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!
* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.
By accepting this message you agree to the following:
If you are happy being South African clap your hands, if you’re happy being South African clap your hands…. and know this. There is never a dull moment in Africa and here are the pictures to prove it from last weekend.
I left my mother in laws after Sunday breakfast, got back to the car and what do you find. A moerse Python in the engine keeping warm. No problem, you swing it by the tail over the fence and then lag as the neighbours all come climbing over the wall screaming.
Even the beggars are innovative in Africa. Checked this one on the way home. Slipped the brother R10 for effort alone! He said “it’s true boss they even handcuffed the cow and put it in the van” and I said Ja boet!
You get home and what do you fine? A hippo passed out on the patio. Blerrie drunk partying hippos. You don’t tolerate hangovers where I come from. So you gatskop the hippo until he goes back to the river and you tell him next time not to drink so much on a Saturday night.
Next you head down to the pool and kak, there is a giraffe having a goef. This is bullshit you scream, “kry die fok uit my swembad” and again once the langnek is out you gatskop him back to the river, going past the hippo and giving him an extra one for good measure.
After all of that I head a headache. Where better to go than a NHS approved doctor who can sort out not only my headache but assist with salary increases, erections and many more ailments at a fraction of the cost.
There you go, you live in Africa you better have a sense of humour.
Finally drink driving is OK as long as its done right. You can never remember where you went or how you got there so the end result will be the same. Not to mention the invisible car…
So it is nearly the Christmas holidays, lots of sunshine, Jack Daniels and hangovers. But do not forget the out of office reply on your email. Chances are, given the Australian economy your company is making you take additional leave, so make sure you get this right and are remembered appropriately. Here are the top 10 kaksak recommended out of office email replies for December 2013-January 2014 holidays:
and the best one of all:
Your fearless customer service representative is out and you are at the mercy of his henchmen. These henchmen have been carefully selected and instructed to respond to your queries in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner you are accustomed to, if at all. Merry Christmas!
South Africans are highly innovative and this usually stems form the need to do the least with the most return, in fact doing nothing at all is actually good and if you can do less than nothing that is ideal. Just take the simple act of lining up. South Africans have excelled in recent years and have received numerous awards for their innovation in managing queues. From the Kaksak research laboratory, we found various cultures queuing in ther natural habitat and then have the vastly superior South African queue. You be the judge.
In America, queuing for the favourite national past time:
In Britain we found the best queues at the airport, long lines of polite people I dare say all wanting to come to Australia:
Outside the Kaksaks house this is usual scene 7 days a week:
Meanwhile in Africa, this is how it is done:
So far this is working remarkably well, except for Kobus Vermaak who arrived at the Department of Public Works in Pretoria to renew the permit for his Venter trailer not wearing shoes. He passed out after 2 days of waiting and even tried using a koki pen to mark his feet and then imprint them on the plastic floor, but as the queue moved and he could not keep up with the rubbing out and the remarking. He passed out from hunger and dehydration, apparently calling for a boerewors roll and a spook & diesel repeatedly.
He was eventually resuscitated by Ms Treasure Tshabalala one of the clerks at Public Works trained in first aid. Some suspect Kobus was pretending to be passed out at one stage even though he was not really while getting mouth to mouth from Treasure, but some witnesses say Treasure was sitting on Kobus so he could not move even though he was awake. Anyway this is a matter for the courts now and Kobus broken ribs are healing nicely. Kobus has since bought 4 more trailors and is now a regular at the Department of Public Works, sometimes passing out after only 1 hour…..