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Now we have seen eveything

So, we have seen NSW beat Queensland in Origin, we have seen Spain been beaten twice and we have Julian Assange asking the US to drop the investigation into Wiki leaks.

What we havent seen until today is a happy person doing search marketing. Yes friends, something we thought we would never see and it has happened. How on earth, we have no idea. Neverthess there is a happiest man in search. Good luck brother. May the force be with you. Maybe its the water in Melbourne who knows, but happy days indeed.

Now get me another beer! Lets watch some football. How do I find the scores again. Hangon, let me search!!! And that my friends is why we have a happiest man in Search.

 

In reality

Pretty much every day shit for me, Duke Dumont just managed to out some music to it. Well done:

 

This shit happened to me once

Similar thing happened to me in Penrith once at the leagues club. Managed to squeeze out of the ladies toilet window and escape in my ute just before it got ugly. Chick looked similar as well. Streuth!!

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!

* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

By accepting this message you agree to the following:

  1. The Kaksak recognises, acknowledges and respects the former owners of this browser impression being Google, but stuff them, we have you now!
  2. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, the responsibility of checking back for changes lies with you, the user.
  3. This message in no way encourages the consumption or use alcohol at any time and the Kaksak supports the responsible consumption of alcohol, especially if you are celebrating with your in-laws or on your own. If you are going to consume alcohol, this  should be done responsibly and in moderation, and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  4. This message does not encourage the consumption or over consumption of food, especially those that may be harmful to your health. You should consult a medical professional before consuming any foods outside of your regular diet. If you are a fat ass we cannot help that either. Eat less, shit more or burst!
  5. If as a result of reading this message you are encouraged to put up your Christmas Tree, the Kaksak accepts no related, ongoing liability related to the erection of the tree and associated decoration, no matter how bad they may be. Don’t be a tight ass, go buy new ones!
  6. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  7. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional.
  8. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  9. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  10. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  11. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak
  12. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted for injury that may or may no occur to the dog.
  13. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this limited liability blog post.
  14. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  15. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately
  16. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. Should you wish to make your experience carbon neutral, please donate $500 to the Kaksak and I will try and fart in a bottle for 24 hours.
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, Google compensation lawyers and see if one of them can read it to you.

Without prejudice

 

Happy to be South African

If you are happy being South African clap your hands, if you’re happy being South African clap your hands…. and know this. There is never a dull moment in Africa and here are the pictures to prove it from last weekend.

I left my mother in laws after Sunday breakfast, got back to the car and what do you find. A moerse Python in the engine keeping warm. No problem, you swing it by the tail over the fence and then lag as the neighbours all come climbing over the wall screaming.

python in engine compartment

 

 

 

Even the beggars are innovative in Africa. Checked this one on the way home. Slipped the brother R10 for effort alone! He said “it’s true boss they even handcuffed the cow and put it in the van” and I said Ja boet!

African man with sign

 

 

You get home and what do you fine? A hippo passed out on the patio. Blerrie drunk partying hippos. You don’t tolerate hangovers where I come from. So you gatskop the hippo until he goes back to the river and you tell him next time not to drink so much on a Saturday night.

drunk hippo on patio

 

 

Next you head down to the pool and kak, there is a giraffe having a goef. This is bullshit you scream, “kry die fok uit my swembad”  and again once the langnek is out you gatskop him back to the river, going past the hippo and giving him an extra one for good measure.

giraffe jumping out of pool

 

After all of that I head a headache. Where better to go than a NHS approved doctor who can sort out not only my headache but assist with salary increases, erections and many more ailments at a fraction of the cost.

witch doctor offices

 

There you go, you live in Africa you better have a sense of humour.

Finally drink driving is OK as long as its done right. You can never remember where you went or how you got there so the end result will be the same. Not to mention the invisible car…

drink driving ok

 

 

 

 

Top 10 Out of office suggestions for holidays

So it is nearly the Christmas holidays, lots of sunshine, Jack Daniels and hangovers. But do not forget the out of office reply on your email. Chances are, given the Australian economy your company is making you take additional leave, so make sure you get this right and are remembered appropriately. Here are the top 10 kaksak recommended out of office email replies for December 2013-January 2014 holidays:

 

  1. Our email server was unable to verify your IP address and the security of the sending domain. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message. Alternatively contact your IT department with this message.
  2. Thanks for your email. Given recent retrenchments and redundancies I now do the jobs of 3 FTE’s so you you can expect a response in around 23 weeks time
  3. Given your recent online activity your emails and Internet traffic are now being monitored as part of a Government crackdown on beastiality porn websites. Please contact us at porn-info@asio.gov.au at your earliest convenience for a full browser and hard drive scan and to arrange an interview.
  4. START:NSA-Intercept-154632/23-3 date 193.42.80.01/advanced-suspect-surveillance:END
  5. You have mistaken the recipient of this email for someone who gives a shit. Please resend to a more appropriate person
  6. I have taken stress leave from this f%#cked up hellhole of a joint. Your emails are only serving to push me closer to the edge and should I harm myself this will be as a direct result of you sending this email. All emails are being copied to my lawyers who continue to build a case against all involved given the pending potential for self harm and the claims that will follow
  7. Hello, Im not wearing any underwear….
  8. Congratulations. You have been selected to win an iPad worth over$5,000. To claim your iPad please visit www.lowiq.ru and pay the small processing fee to our Paypal account in Belarus and your iPad will be shipped immediately.
  9. I have run away to join a different circus
  10. I will be out of the office from the 15 December to 12 January 2014 whereupon I will promptly delete all your emails. Please resend anytime after the 13th January.

 

and the best one of all:

Your fearless customer service representative is out and you are at the mercy of his henchmen. These henchmen have been carefully selected and  instructed to respond to your queries in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner you are accustomed to, if at all.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

South African Innovation – How to queue

South Africans are highly innovative and this usually stems form the need to do the least with the most return, in fact doing nothing at all is actually good and if you can do less than nothing that is ideal. Just take the simple act of lining up. South Africans have excelled in recent years and have received numerous awards for their innovation in managing queues. From the Kaksak research laboratory, we found various cultures queuing in ther natural habitat and then have the vastly superior South African queue. You be the judge.

In America, queuing for the favourite national past time:

American fast food queue

 

 

In Britain we found the best queues at the airport, long lines of polite people I dare say all wanting to come to Australia:

British immigration queues

 

Outside the Kaksaks house this is usual scene 7 days a week:

kaksak-waiting-line

Meanwhile in Africa, this is how it is done:

South African innovation in queuing technology

 

So far this is working remarkably well, except for Kobus Vermaak who arrived at the Department of Public Works in Pretoria to renew the permit for his Venter trailer not wearing shoes. He passed out after 2 days of waiting and even tried using a koki pen to mark his feet and then imprint them on the plastic floor, but as the queue moved and he could not keep up with the rubbing out and the remarking. He passed out from hunger and dehydration, apparently calling for a boerewors roll and a spook & diesel repeatedly.

He was eventually resuscitated by Ms Treasure Tshabalala one of the clerks at Public Works trained in first aid. Some suspect Kobus was pretending to be passed out at one stage even though he was not really while getting mouth to mouth from Treasure, but some witnesses say Treasure was sitting on Kobus so he could not move even though he was awake. Anyway this is a matter for the courts now and Kobus  broken ribs are healing nicely. Kobus has since bought 4 more trailors and is now a regular at the Department of Public Works, sometimes passing out after only 1 hour…..

National Braai Day

Yes believe it or not Kaksakkers there is a national braai day. For those of you living away from the motherland, who are pissed off about the ref in the All Black rugby game 2 weeks ago, who think the Wallabies are going to get moered tonight and who love a braai, thisone is for you. Don’t get too emotional and patriotic, keep a steady hand and just remember Africa will always run deep in your veins, i.e. you can take an African out of Africa but never Africa out of an African, you will always remember having your bed made and laundry done every day, drinking Castle and eating boerie and tjops off a charcoal braai which magically cleaned itself and putting on the alarm every night and feeding the Rottweilers.

Go Bokke and here is the national braai video, officially endorsed by Jacob himself.

 

What’s in a name?

What’a in a name? You decide:

Two Rand Thoko Sunday Times Pampoen Mr Oral Matric Exemsion Foki Voeltjie Captain Morgan

ah yes, my favourite the Captain. Love to be at roll call when this lot is called out. Used to think that the guy whose surname was Watt, was funny.

What’s your name son?

Watt sir

Your name

Watt sir

I said WHAT IS YOUR NAME

Watt

Huh and so on.

 

SMX Sydney 2013 – Revenge of the Search Nerds

Yes its that time of the year and in stead of doing a post SMX review, we thought we would get in Barry’s face and do a pre Sydney SMX review.BTW the conference is the 3-4th April and at the very fancy Hilton Hotel in Sydney, Australia.

If you recognise me you are a nerd

Matt Cutts

The search nerds are excited and no doubt preparing. To ensure you are ready for SMX 2013, here are our tips for those of you attending:

  • Do not go outside, it may even be too late. Any sign of a tan = no credibility
  • Dig out the oldest and worst fitting jeans you have and do not under any circumstances iron them
  • Get your old hiking boots out, scuff them
  • Find an old conference t shirt, preferably US based and from pre 2010, for real street cred
  • Stop doing you hair as of today and make sure you have some facial heair. Girls you can try this as well
  • Fire up Twitter, Google + and make sure you have some boring, inane quotes related to search
  • Start telling everyone you are going to “live blog” SMX
  • Find an Apple anything. Do not go with a Microsoft anything. Samsung OK.
  • Practice your snorting loud laugh repeatedly for he tea breaks and laughing at fellow nerd jokes

The whose who of the SEO zoo and more are going to be there. Some of the larger and more trendy Ad agencies have finally figured out what SEO is so if you see well dressed, overly cool people there, these folk are probably from these agencies and don’t talk to them, they are expensive and probably won’t be there in 3 months from now.

Highlights to look out for…

  • Rand Fishkin – Debonair, funny, cool and the boss of SEOmoz. Hang with Rand, he is friendly and hopes you will sign up to SEOmoz. Girls don’t wear American undies around Rand, you know what they say, 1 yank and they’re off.
  • Marty Weintraub – Energetic, the Kaksak gets tired just watching him, but he is awesome. Taught me all I know, but he will deny that ofcourse!
  • Dejan Petrovic and his Ukrainian band, up from Brisbane. Lots of interesting testing going on, just don’t f#$k with them!
  • Jeremy Bolt – Does this dude ever smile? Bruce Clay, the suits and a formal bunch in the SEO world. Im scared of them, they know too much! Hang on, where is Bruce?
  • Chris Dimmock – One of the originals and refusing to let go
  • Monte Huebsch – Funny man, attend one of his sessions to see why. Entertaining and usually good take aways, but don’t expect fancy slides!
  • Barry Smyth – Hang on isn’t he the organiser? Multi tasking?
  • Mike Motherwell – WTF? He is not on the speakers list? If Mike is not there, I’m?not going even if I have a free ticket! Can someone start a petition about this?
  • Brian White – From Google. We love you Brian. We don’t spam here, but we love you! Remember than when you see the Kaksak whizz by on that spam report!
  • Others from Distilled, Mindshare, SEO Gadget, Clever Clicks etc. These will be the well dressed people!

Where are all the other SEO agencies from large agencies? Reprise, Outrider, First, eWeb, Razorfish, DGM, First Click and more. No sign. Are they still doing SEO. I thought this was a search conference? Barry WTF is going n here. Did you not call these people?

5 things I want to learn at SMX in 2013:

  1. Is Mike Motherwell dating?
  2. Is SEO dead? If so can I get my money back? Who the hell is sending me all my traffic then?
  3. Is Barry actually in charge or just a mambot?
  4. Can the Google webspam team be “influenced”. If we did a blogpost reviewing Google for them would they overlook certain things in return?
  5. Should I optimise the Kaksak for Yahoo, now that super babe Marissa is in charge? Can I do this at home?

Enjoy SMX, the Kaksak is excited and looking forward to it? In the mean time, Happy Easter!

 

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