Category Archives: Australian Jokes

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!

* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

By accepting this message you agree to the following:

  1. The Kaksak recognises, acknowledges and respects the former owners of this browser impression being Google, but stuff them, we have you now!
  2. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, the responsibility of checking back for changes lies with you, the user.
  3. This message in no way encourages the consumption or use alcohol at any time and the Kaksak supports the responsible consumption of alcohol, especially if you are celebrating with your in-laws or on your own. If you are going to consume alcohol, this  should be done responsibly and in moderation, and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  4. This message does not encourage the consumption or over consumption of food, especially those that may be harmful to your health. You should consult a medical professional before consuming any foods outside of your regular diet. If you are a fat ass we cannot help that either. Eat less, shit more or burst!
  5. If as a result of reading this message you are encouraged to put up your Christmas Tree, the Kaksak accepts no related, ongoing liability related to the erection of the tree and associated decoration, no matter how bad they may be. Don’t be a tight ass, go buy new ones!
  6. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  7. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional.
  8. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  9. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  10. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  11. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak
  12. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted for injury that may or may no occur to the dog.
  13. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this limited liability blog post.
  14. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  15. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately
  16. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. Should you wish to make your experience carbon neutral, please donate $500 to the Kaksak and I will try and fart in a bottle for 24 hours.
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, Google compensation lawyers and see if one of them can read it to you.

Without prejudice

 

Top 10 Out of office suggestions for holidays

So it is nearly the Christmas holidays, lots of sunshine, Jack Daniels and hangovers. But do not forget the out of office reply on your email. Chances are, given the Australian economy your company is making you take additional leave, so make sure you get this right and are remembered appropriately. Here are the top 10 kaksak recommended out of office email replies for December 2013-January 2014 holidays:

 

  1. Our email server was unable to verify your IP address and the security of the sending domain. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message. Alternatively contact your IT department with this message.
  2. Thanks for your email. Given recent retrenchments and redundancies I now do the jobs of 3 FTE’s so you you can expect a response in around 23 weeks time
  3. Given your recent online activity your emails and Internet traffic are now being monitored as part of a Government crackdown on beastiality porn websites. Please contact us at porn-info@asio.gov.au at your earliest convenience for a full browser and hard drive scan and to arrange an interview.
  4. START:NSA-Intercept-154632/23-3 date 193.42.80.01/advanced-suspect-surveillance:END
  5. You have mistaken the recipient of this email for someone who gives a shit. Please resend to a more appropriate person
  6. I have taken stress leave from this f%#cked up hellhole of a joint. Your emails are only serving to push me closer to the edge and should I harm myself this will be as a direct result of you sending this email. All emails are being copied to my lawyers who continue to build a case against all involved given the pending potential for self harm and the claims that will follow
  7. Hello, Im not wearing any underwear….
  8. Congratulations. You have been selected to win an iPad worth over$5,000. To claim your iPad please visit www.lowiq.ru and pay the small processing fee to our Paypal account in Belarus and your iPad will be shipped immediately.
  9. I have run away to join a different circus
  10. I will be out of the office from the 15 December to 12 January 2014 whereupon I will promptly delete all your emails. Please resend anytime after the 13th January.

 

and the best one of all:

Your fearless customer service representative is out and you are at the mercy of his henchmen. These henchmen have been carefully selected and  instructed to respond to your queries in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner you are accustomed to, if at all.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

Really inappropriate jokes

Really inappropriate jokes, but what else did you expect?

  • I called my drug dealer, but he was on another line
  • Called the swine flu help line, but all I got was crackling
  • Called my SEO advisor, but he was on a call, telephone, mobile phone, cordless phone, telstra, optus, vodafone
  • Called the Plastic Surgeon, but was cut off

Sorry, so bad only 4, but Im sure you have more…

Valentines Day no nos

Things you should not be saying or don’t want to hear on Valentines Day:

  • Shall we split the bill?
  • I’m tired, I might head home
  • I’ve lost my keys
  • I think the batteries are flat…
  • Did you bring the beer?
  • It won’t start!
  • I have a headache
  • You have a headache?
  • I think I might puke!
  • There is something I have to tell you!
  • Reminds me of Chuck Norris
  • Anything to do with ex girlfriends or boyfriends
  • Looks like it fell out my wallet, maybe at your mom’s place?
  • Can I read you this poem I wrote for you
  • This is my friend Kylie, she is starting weight watchers and wanted to come to dinner with us
  • I will be there at 6 to serenade you
  • My parents aren’t going away any more
  • Remember that video we took..
  • There is something we have to talk about

So long suckers. Enjoy Valentines Day….

2012 Jokes – These might be the worst ever

Happy New Year or just New Year, depending on how you are feeling today. Some of the unconfirmed worst jokes of 2012 to get you into just the right mood for 2013.

Last night I dialled 000 by mistake, so had to set the house on fire not to look stupid!

I had sex with a head ache. Hear that girls, no one died!!

To this day the bully at Bankstown high still takes my lunch money, but he does make a good quarter pounder

Called my drug Councillor last night. Couldn’t get through, they said he was on another line…

When you are married you can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina

Im good at remembering facts. There are 3,500 types of lice and that’s just off the top of my head

I’m have a recycling party next week. Bring your own bottle…..

Running away from your problems doesn’t help, unless you are fat

The Cod population has dropped significantly. Clearly they are taking a battering

Elvis my pet mouse died. He was caught in a trap…

An Apple fan walks into a bar, orders the same drink and pays more than yesterday

I asked the air hostess. Can you telephone from this plane Of course she said, a plane is a big thing with wings!

The air hostess said. Would you like Head Phones. I said, how did you know my name was Phones?

Got up at 6am. Did Yoga, called a friend and had salad for breakfast. Then suddenly I found I could no longer drive…

I got in touch with my inner self today. Last time I buy cheap toilet paper from K Mart

I said to my GF. Before we met I was promiscuous. She said, Thats OK I love Greek Mythology

When it comes to online dating. Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer, men are afraid of meeting someone fat!

The Olympic Russian body builders have iPads strapped to their arms..

I nearly forgot to update my status after Id been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been..

Took a ring into the pawn shop to sell. They said “Is it stolen?” I said “Hell no”. They said: “Whose finger is that then?”

Suicide is not the answer. She insisted it was. We lost trivia night by 1 point!

My wife says the breast implants make her uncomfortable. I think I look sexy!

I tried to give my office perv a high 5 yesterday. She swerved it, so I did a cart wheel to avoid looking like a complete dick…

The world is US$6 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe this to?

Horse walks into the pub. The barman says “So why the long face?”

My boss noticed me nodding off in a meeting. He said “Not getting enough sleep?” I said “Yes, the meetings are shorter these days”

An over the shoulder stare and lip lick is highly seductive, unless you are having your prostrate exam!

When having your prostrate exam, just be sure the doctor does not have both hands on your shoulders!

We were really pissed last night. Cooked the meet pies at 15 degrees for 180 minutes.

Just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the road drinking beer. Its either a grim reaper party or someone’s cat is actually dead.

Quit while you are ahead my dad said. No wonder I was never any good at the 100m sprint

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you”. My first and last day as hostage negotiator.

“Bought a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if within 1 foot. Note to self, don’t keep in back pocket!

I will deal with you in my office. said the head master. I sold him half an ounce…

Want to buy my GF some London Bridge undies, I hear they keep falling down…

I want to find my GF some American undies. I hear 1 yank and they are off…

On the Internet you can chose to be anyone you want. Amazing how most chose to be complete assholes…

Given what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself…

Policeman stopped me and asked I I by any chance had any drugs on me. Said “Sorry mate, sold the lot!”

 

 

Oh, and best wishes for the New Year…

Christmas Greetings with Limited Liability

We wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all our festive readers but our lawyer said it had to be appropriate, so after much deliberation this is what we have been allowed to post, given the high levels of political correctness, our Government and all the litigation going around:

 

The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

The Kaksak would also like to take this unbiased opportunity to wish you all a personally fulfilling, medically neutral recognition of the onset of the locally accepted calendar year 2013 and apologise to all those communities who may celebrate the start of the year at a recognised different time. We acknowledge your right to do this and respect that right as a democratic and fair society. We also apologise for mentioning the year 2013 and acknowledge that the number 13 may be considered unlucky for some and that this could cause stress. Should this occur we suggest you consult a medical professional immediately.

By accepting this message you agree to the following terms and conditions:

  1. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, without formal communication of any change
  2. This message does not encourage the consumption or use alcohol at any time. All alcohol should be consumed responsibly and in moderation and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  3. Should you require counselling as a result of reading this message that these costs are for your account and the Kaksak will not be liable for any costs associated with this message. You should also just harden the f*&k up!
  4. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole?discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  5. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional and any queries with respect to this message should be directed to the Kaksak in writing in triplicate, via the appropriate channels within 7 days or reading this message.
  6. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  7. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  8. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  9. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak i.e. we might have money for beer.
  10. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted, see 11. for this effort.
  11. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this message.
  12. Jurisdiction: Should there be a breach of these terms and condition, the Kaksak and you will attempt to resolve these in writing within 30 days. Should this not occur, the parties agree to mediation by a qualified mediator in Australia. If you still cannot agree you are most likely a tool.
  13. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  14. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately. See 11.
  15. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. The writer had been eating chilli beans the night before. These were however captured in a bottle and will be recycled through the BBQ at a later date.
  16. In no way do we imply, suggest or recommend that you transgress or break any local or federal laws and in a way inconsistent with society standards. In no way do we cast any aspersions on the aforementioned society
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, you were most likely educated in an Australian school, given our global recent ranking in reading and writing and should contact the school you attended to ask for compensation. Google “compensation lawyers” for help. You hereby also agree that the Kaksak has a right to 10% of all net compensation received.

 

Without prejudice

The Kaksak