We wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all our festive readers but our lawyer said it had to be appropriate, so after much deliberation this is what we have been allowed to post, given the high levels of political correctness, our Government and all the litigation going around:
The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.
The Kaksak would also like to take this unbiased opportunity to wish you all a personally fulfilling, medically neutral recognition of the onset of the locally accepted calendar year 2013 and apologise to all those communities who may celebrate the start of the year at a recognised different time. We acknowledge your right to do this and respect that right as a democratic and fair society. We also apologise for mentioning the year 2013 and acknowledge that the number 13 may be considered unlucky for some and that this could cause stress. Should this occur we suggest you consult a medical professional immediately.
By accepting this message you agree to the following terms and conditions:
- This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, without formal communication of any change
- This message does not encourage the consumption or use alcohol at any time. All alcohol should be consumed responsibly and in moderation and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
- Should you require counselling as a result of reading this message that these costs are for your account and the Kaksak will not be liable for any costs associated with this message. You should also just harden the f*&k up!
- This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole?discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
- Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional and any queries with respect to this message should be directed to the Kaksak in writing in triplicate, via the appropriate channels within 7 days or reading this message.
- The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
- The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
- There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
- The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak i.e. we might have money for beer.
- Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted, see 11. for this effort.
- Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this message.
- Jurisdiction: Should there be a breach of these terms and condition, the Kaksak and you will attempt to resolve these in writing within 30 days. Should this not occur, the parties agree to mediation by a qualified mediator in Australia. If you still cannot agree you are most likely a tool.
- You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
- Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately. See 11.
- Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. The writer had been eating chilli beans the night before. These were however captured in a bottle and will be recycled through the BBQ at a later date.
- In no way do we imply, suggest or recommend that you transgress or break any local or federal laws and in a way inconsistent with society standards. In no way do we cast any aspersions on the aforementioned society
- If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, you were most likely educated in an Australian school, given our global recent ranking in reading and writing and should contact the school you attended to ask for compensation. Google “compensation lawyers” for help. You hereby also agree that the Kaksak has a right to 10% of all net compensation received.