The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time
the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300
The French government announced recently that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France
are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly”
to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:
“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also
have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere . . .
New Zealand has raised its
security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense
cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
paper airplanes and the navy, some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s
bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
“Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”
Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be right, mate.” Three more escalation levels remain:
“Crikey!,” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie (Australian for
barbeque) this weekend,” and “The barbie is canceled.”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level…..
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