Category Archives: Australian Jokes

Management Tips – Saying it like it is!

At the Kaksak we are always trying to help our readers, especially those wankers who drive BMW’s, have big offices and earn lots of money. From our years of research at large corporates and in the tradie workplace, we understand what corporate managers say, and what tradie supervisors say, and the difference is really only in the wording. Pretty much the same thing really, just different speak. We also usually try and avoid foul language here, but it just didn’t work on this one without. So if you are easily offended, get the fuck out now….

So as a corporate manager, we recommend you share this article via you social networks, the one your co workers have access to so they have understand exactly what you say and what you mean to say in your daily corporate life. Good luck.

 

1. What you say: Thats OK, you go home at 5pm. its important to have a good work life balance.

What you wanted to say: Does this look like a fucking holiday camp? Finish your shit and then I will decide whether you can go home!

2. What you say: Even though you missed that, I’m sure we can still get it done within the time and budget allocated, everything will be OK

What you meant to say: This whole thing is fucked because of you!

3. What you say: There are clearly some development areas we need to address, how about a training course?

What you meant to say: You have no fucking clue, do you!

4. What you say: She is such a go getter, we are lucky to have her

What you meant to say: She is a power crazy bitch, and hates us all.

5. What you say: Don’t worry I will look at it tonight, you go off home!

What you meant to say: When the fuck did you expect me to look at this? Tonight?

6. What you say: We can take that on board, I’m just not sure it is feasible in the current economic environment, but a very good idea non the less.

What you meant to say: Fuck off you idiot!

7. What you say: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

What you meant to say: Well fuck me with a telephone pole, with a garden fork strapped to the front!

8. What you say: That’s interesting!

What you meant to say: Fuck me….

9. What you say: I was actually not involved in that project and also on leave at the time….

What you meant to say: Not my fucking problem!

10. What you say: He is not up to speed with all the issues yet!

What you meant to say: His head is unusually far up his arse this time!

11. What you say: May you should check with…..

What you meant to say: You are mistaking me for someone who gives a shit….

12. What you say: We are on a tight schedule, lets see if we can fit that in

What you meant to say: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

13. What you say: Hey Bob,  can you pop over over here for a minute?

What you meant to say: Oi! Dick head

14. What you say: You’re pregnant? Thats so awesome for you and John. When is it due?

What you meant to say: We are fucked! Why did you get pregnant when you know how much shit we have to do. How much time have we got before its born?

15. What you say:No problem, I was going to be at home anyway…

What you meant to say: Who needs a fucking holiday?

 16. What you say: Oh your chair is not comfortable! Thats unacceptable, lets call HR immediately and find their ergonomic advisor
What you meant to say: Sit on the fucking floor then. When I was your age we sat on cardboard boxes!

17. What you say: We would never expect our people to work over time and not get paid!

What you meant to say: This bunch of lazy pricks couldn’t work any slower if they tried! Fuck that!

18. What you say: Lets give away a new iPhone to motivate our people!

What you meant to say: A good boot up the arse always motivated me, how about we try that…

19. What you say: Don’t worry, take it as a learning experience, our customers are all morons anyway

What you meant to say: You little shitbag! How dare you fuck up this business like that!

20. What you say: Thats OK, you can take 3 months off, we will find a temp and manage somehow. You go get that travel bug out your system and have fun!

What you meant to say: Have you lost your fucking mind?

 

Say no more…..

The Olympics are done. What now?

Well the Kaksak has had a busy couple of weeks with the Olympics and all going on in London. We reckon the poms are going to go into a state of depression now that they no excuses for not working and have been able to do f#$# all for 2 weeks. Gazza and I decided maybe we could lobby for the next Olympics to be in Bankstown, but then after a couple of brainstorming beers, Toula klapped Kylie for not wanting to write the submission to the Bankstown Mayor, Gazza then dropped his lip with Kylie and stopped speaking, wouldn’t even ask for another beer so Tolla who is visiting from the farm klapped Gazza upside down for not telling him his toast was burning, so to the whole thing turning into a klapping olympics. snot klap, kop klap, gat klap I witnessed it all.

Anyway, not that the Olympics are done, this post is actually for the poms, 5 things you can do now that the Olympics are done:

  1. Try not to think about Penguins
  2. Try to swallow your tongue
  3. Act intelligent
  4. Pretend to be a leaf
  5. Beam yourself somewhere

OK, so now the Kaksak has wasted 30 seconds of your time, how about sharing some learnings from 2 weeks of lying on the couch watching Gazza drink VB after VB and smoke until late into the night on the kak Channel 9 coverage.

These are the 5 things we learnt, after 2 weeks of veging:

  1. White men can’t run
  2. Black men can’t swim
  3. Neither white men or black men can do synchronised swimming
  4. Stephanie Rice likes black men and white men
  5. Thanks f^$% for the sailors or our gold medal count would have been less than Lesotho’s

Given we have been sitting on our asses for 2 weeks, this is what Gazza got paid last week.

kaksak-payslip

So no VB, no rent and no nothing. OK, Lets watch Big Brother, probably know one of the housemates…

 

Kulula, Funny in air announcements

At last an airline with a sense of humour. Pity QANTAS and Virgin Blue (We haven’y mentioned Jetstar because we think they suck) don’t follow suit. Oh, but hang on, we live in Australia where some idiot will want to sue for offending his grandmother or inciting criminal discrimination if an airline did this.

Check out the Kulula Announcements here, especially the transcript on the last video. C’mon Virgin Blue why not try some of these here. Keep us entertained.

 

Funny Out of Office replies to start the new year

Just to cheer you up for the first day back at work for 2012. Top “Out of Office replies”:

  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you would not get a response at all.
  • Thanks for your email. I was unable to automatically delete emails while on holiday, but not to worry they will be deleted on my return
  • I promised my wife I would be attentive and “offline” during my holiday, so if you want to screw up up marriage and my holiday then resend this email
  • Thanks for your email. You will be invoiced for $1 for the first 10 words and 50c per word thereafter at this email address. Payment terms are 14 days.
  • Our email server was unable to verify your server connection. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message.
  • Stop harassing me at this email address! Constant harassment is the lowest form of bullying and if you email me here again, I shall report you to the police
  • Thank you for your email. Given the current demand for my time, you can expect a response in around 38 weeks. Thank you.
  • If you cared for me as much as you say you do, you would stop sending me these crappy emails.
  • Thank you for your email.  I am out the office for medical reasons for 2 weeks. On return please call me Jan rather than John. Thanks
  • Hi, Thanks for your email. I have submitted it to 14 spam email lists so you can see what it is like to get worthless crappy emails like these continuously
  • By sending this email, you have been automatically included on our email subscription lists for porn, poker and cheap Viagra.