Category Archives: Australian news

Now we have seen eveything

So, we have seen NSW beat Queensland in Origin, we have seen Spain been beaten twice and we have Julian Assange asking the US to drop the investigation into Wiki leaks.

What we havent seen until today is a happy person doing search marketing. Yes friends, something we thought we would never see and it has happened. How on earth, we have no idea. Neverthess there is a happiest man in search. Good luck brother. May the force be with you. Maybe its the water in Melbourne who knows, but happy days indeed.

Now get me another beer! Lets watch some football. How do I find the scores again. Hangon, let me search!!! And that my friends is why we have a happiest man in Search.

 

SMX Sydney 2013 – Revenge of the Search Nerds

Yes its that time of the year and in stead of doing a post SMX review, we thought we would get in Barry’s face and do a pre Sydney SMX review.BTW the conference is the 3-4th April and at the very fancy Hilton Hotel in Sydney, Australia.

If you recognise me you are a nerd
Matt Cutts

The search nerds are excited and no doubt preparing. To ensure you are ready for SMX 2013, here are our tips for those of you attending:

  • Do not go outside, it may even be too late. Any sign of a tan = no credibility
  • Dig out the oldest and worst fitting jeans you have and do not under any circumstances iron them
  • Get your old hiking boots out, scuff them
  • Find an old conference t shirt, preferably US based and from pre 2010, for real street cred
  • Stop doing you hair as of today and make sure you have some facial heair. Girls you can try this as well
  • Fire up Twitter, Google + and make sure you have some boring, inane quotes related to search
  • Start telling everyone you are going to “live blog” SMX
  • Find an Apple anything. Do not go with a Microsoft anything. Samsung OK.
  • Practice your snorting loud laugh repeatedly for he tea breaks and laughing at fellow nerd jokes

The whose who of the SEO zoo and more are going to be there. Some of the larger and more trendy Ad agencies have finally figured out what SEO is so if you see well dressed, overly cool people there, these folk are probably from these agencies and don’t talk to them, they are expensive and probably won’t be there in 3 months from now.

Highlights to look out for…

  • Rand Fishkin – Debonair, funny, cool and the boss of SEOmoz. Hang with Rand, he is friendly and hopes you will sign up to SEOmoz. Girls don’t wear American undies around Rand, you know what they say, 1 yank and they’re off.
  • Marty Weintraub – Energetic, the Kaksak gets tired just watching him, but he is awesome. Taught me all I know, but he will deny that ofcourse!
  • Dejan Petrovic and his Ukrainian band, up from Brisbane. Lots of interesting testing going on, just don’t f#$k with them!
  • Jeremy Bolt – Does this dude ever smile? Bruce Clay, the suits and a formal bunch in the SEO world. Im scared of them, they know too much! Hang on, where is Bruce?
  • Chris Dimmock – One of the originals and refusing to let go
  • Monte Huebsch – Funny man, attend one of his sessions to see why. Entertaining and usually good take aways, but don’t expect fancy slides!
  • Barry Smyth – Hang on isn’t he the organiser? Multi tasking?
  • Mike Motherwell – WTF? He is not on the speakers list? If Mike is not there, I’m?not going even if I have a free ticket! Can someone start a petition about this?
  • Brian White – From Google. We love you Brian. We don’t spam here, but we love you! Remember than when you see the Kaksak whizz by on that spam report!
  • Others from Distilled, Mindshare, SEO Gadget, Clever Clicks etc. These will be the well dressed people!

Where are all the other SEO agencies from large agencies? Reprise, Outrider, First, eWeb, Razorfish, DGM, First Click and more. No sign. Are they still doing SEO. I thought this was a search conference? Barry WTF is going n here. Did you not call these people?

5 things I want to learn at SMX in 2013:

  1. Is Mike Motherwell dating?
  2. Is SEO dead? If so can I get my money back? Who the hell is sending me all my traffic then?
  3. Is Barry actually in charge or just a mambot?
  4. Can the Google webspam team be “influenced”. If we did a blogpost reviewing Google for them would they overlook certain things in return?
  5. Should I optimise the Kaksak for Yahoo, now that super babe Marissa is in charge? Can I do this at home?

Enjoy SMX, the Kaksak is excited and looking forward to it? In the mean time, Happy Easter!

 

Valentines Day! Do not let it run you over!

So how many single men does it take to avoid Valentines Day? None! Its never happened. How many get lucky on Valentines Day. Well only 39.6% and then around 42% within a week and 56% within 2 years. But what you should know is that on any other given night people, both men and women with intent will get lucky around 69%. Well actually that’s 100% for women and 35% for men, the difference accounts for the gay population who help bring the average up.

So check out our Valentines Day Gifts, carefully researched. All the best ideas, right here! Actually, set your objectives first then read our carefully concocted gift list to help you achieve your goals. That is what the Kaksak is all about helping our boys and gals get further in life.

We note. No affiliate and no sponsored posts here, this was all our own brilliance!

You and Valentines Day! What should you do?

  • You are in love with a self obsessed, narcissistic tool! This can be good as you don’t have to love him or her, they totally in love with themselves.Awesome narcissist gift idea. Remember, whatever you do, do not tell him to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror.
  • You want to end it but are too scared too, she is bigger than you: Email her a link to this online check your weight tool?from your Gmail account and then close it. Quick. Also move interstate. Darwin is good. Never, never come back.
  • You want to end it because he is such a Geek! Never gets out, always on his f#$king computer. This is it, put your foot down, open the curtains and order one of these, don’t worry he will never email, Skype, Twitter or Facebook you again. Just make sure you return the Play Station.
  • You want to end it, but you need him to drive you to work. The bus sucks! So no sex, don’t get the wrong idea, just want to be friends, you happen to have a work function on V Day night can you believe it, the bastards you say, but you need to keep your work transport going, need to get to work you know. Here is the perfect “get no ideas” gift. If you order this you also really need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, unless ofcourse you get gift idea #1 as well.
  • If you want to give her the shits big time, then buy her this.?Guaranteed or your money back. Might not work if she is Geek. Consider carefully before ordering.
  • You need all the help you can get, no guarantees here but it has been known to get at the least a one night stand! Seriously, and who gives a shit if you can’t pay your rent or eat for the next 7 months, the sweet memories will linger on. No trust us, not…
  • If all you think about is sex, then you?wouldn’t?be here anyway. Probably be on a porn site so this is just a?place holder.
  • If you have been dating, but only fully clothed and need to bring it to a head, excuse the pun! You haven’t had sex yet, but this is the big one, go big or go home, this is the night it’s going down. Here is what we suggest. Just don’t let it get unwrapped at dinner. You might also want to practice your right arm block for the head slap and bring a change of shirt so you can change after you get the glass of red wine on your head. But hey, YOLO.
  • If you you want to be in the 39,6% every time, especially if you are married. Actually no, single and want to wake up with a smile on your dial. Thy this, helping get Australians laid for years now. No seriously Traditional Valentines, boring but effective flowers. You can’t go wrong. Statistically, the bigger the bottle the more your chances increase, but this does not apply to the more roses you send. Actually a magnum of champagne and 1 rose will significantly increase your chances of getting lucky and is statistically 2,350% high chance than 1,500 roses and 1ml of Champagne has.
  • If you seriously want to get laid, but don’t really give a shit and couldn’t be bothered. Nothing we suggest is really going t help then.

So good luck and good night and remember. If its not on, its not on. Actually if you a guy, its always on, except if its not if you know what I mean. Good luck and enjoy Valentines Day. And if all else fails, speak to Riaan at the Springbok butcher, they have excellent gift ideas… Also we did a statistics course, kind of, in the pub and you really should not rely ont he quoted statistics, they are for informational purposes only.

 

Christmas Greetings with Limited Liability

We wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all our festive readers but our lawyer said it had to be appropriate, so after much deliberation this is what we have been allowed to post, given the high levels of political correctness, our Government and all the litigation going around:

 

The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

The Kaksak would also like to take this unbiased opportunity to wish you all a personally fulfilling, medically neutral recognition of the onset of the locally accepted calendar year 2013 and apologise to all those communities who may celebrate the start of the year at a recognised different time. We acknowledge your right to do this and respect that right as a democratic and fair society. We also apologise for mentioning the year 2013 and acknowledge that the number 13 may be considered unlucky for some and that this could cause stress. Should this occur we suggest you consult a medical professional immediately.

By accepting this message you agree to the following terms and conditions:

  1. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, without formal communication of any change
  2. This message does not encourage the consumption or use alcohol at any time. All alcohol should be consumed responsibly and in moderation and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  3. Should you require counselling as a result of reading this message that these costs are for your account and the Kaksak will not be liable for any costs associated with this message. You should also just harden the f*&k up!
  4. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole?discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  5. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional and any queries with respect to this message should be directed to the Kaksak in writing in triplicate, via the appropriate channels within 7 days or reading this message.
  6. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  7. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  8. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  9. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak i.e. we might have money for beer.
  10. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted, see 11. for this effort.
  11. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this message.
  12. Jurisdiction: Should there be a breach of these terms and condition, the Kaksak and you will attempt to resolve these in writing within 30 days. Should this not occur, the parties agree to mediation by a qualified mediator in Australia. If you still cannot agree you are most likely a tool.
  13. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  14. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately. See 11.
  15. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. The writer had been eating chilli beans the night before. These were however captured in a bottle and will be recycled through the BBQ at a later date.
  16. In no way do we imply, suggest or recommend that you transgress or break any local or federal laws and in a way inconsistent with society standards. In no way do we cast any aspersions on the aforementioned society
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, you were most likely educated in an Australian school, given our global recent ranking in reading and writing and should contact the school you attended to ask for compensation. Google “compensation lawyers” for help. You hereby also agree that the Kaksak has a right to 10% of all net compensation received.

 

Without prejudice

The Kaksak

Misogynist – The full Definition

So Julia Gillard has said Tony Abbott is a misogynist. We at the Kaksak said WTF is a misogynist?

We also said, why is our esteemed prime minister worrying about what Tony Abbott is or isn’t when there are boat loads of people smugglers arriving every second day and this was a model due to be smashed when she became PM. What is she doing about the economy? The increasing job losses, reducing company profits, dropping iron ore prices, increasing Government debt? The to top it all off, a labour function making sexist jokes. We at the Kaksak, being the voice of the people of Bankstown say Seriously???

All we hear is rhetoric: “we are not only talking about it, but getting on with the job” they say.

We say bullshit. If you are as you say getting on with the job, you are doing it both badly and slowly.  Also the talking about is we think is actually driving more greenhouse gas, given the amount of talk and the amount of action.

So please can you politicians pull your heads out of your asses, don’t worry about misogynists, only the yanks really seem to give a shit anyway and they are full of it anyway. Go Mitt!! Actually Gazza looked up the meaning of misogynist. No, actually he tried to work it out himself, it is apparently a Japanese soup made in the mist?

So please Australian Government, the hard working people of Bankstown are asking you to do your jobs instead of sitting around arguing about crap. Get some things done that will make this country great, drop the red tape, get people working and stop bogging down business with tax and over protective regulation to the point where people are not even responsible for themselves!!!

Alan Jones is on Notice

So Alan Jones has said in a semi private setting that Julia Gillards father died and to quote “of shame”. This is clearly not a nice thing to say but its not as if they were close in the first place . In response, advertisers are withdrawing. In line with our corporate jargon post we think the advertisers think the following:

What advertisers are saying: We do not endorse the comments of Alan Jones and will be withdrawing our advertising immediately from the station. He is no good, his behaviour is unacceptable and his apology cannot be accepted. We encourage all social media people to stand up and take on this fight. Get him off the air for his off air comments.  (Correction: Sorry we don’t advertise on 2GB, but if we did we would withdraw it).

What Sponsors want to say: Can you f^&k off back into your social media holes and get a life! If you are this pissed off, go to a boxing gym or take up wrestling. We didn’t know Alan was going to say stupid shit in private the whole country would be outraged by, so harden up, f$%k off and leave us alone, we are trying to make a living like everyone else in a difficult economy and behind our brands we are people too!

 

Notice not to notice

 

Gripple update

Aha, so the bliksems have now updated the gripples webpage and even recognised the great brain of the kaksak as some of the official uses. Updated gripple website can be checked out, But don’t get your hopes up. Our hopes are up because we think we can have fun with an ad agency and a big company when the whole campaign is launched, and not only that get some more ads so we can buy more beer.

Wonder if they will market this on TV. Watch this space we might yet be famous. Yebo Gogo, finally, and all for the humble gripple. Indeed.

Find more South African jokes here.

Gripples – Do you know what the Gripple Effect is?

Well the Kaksak loves a good puzzle even though we (especially Gazza) are well a bit kak at figuring them out., so after discovering this website we decided to get on the case, literally with a case of VB and look at this intelligently Bankstown style. For Gazza, Bankstown style has a completely different meaning but more on that later. Back to gripples and the gripple effect!

What we know from detailed analysis:

  • You can gripple
  • You can be grippled
  • You can experience the gripple effect, looks like people with only a first name have already?
  • You can share a gripple

What we also know:

  • A gripple is fence thing, streuth!
  • You can grip something or someone, preferably a chick and ideally not yourself, unless you are alone or if, OK, next
  • Gripple rhymes with nipple
  • Gripple also rhymes with ripple, tipple and zipple (Not sure what the last means, but we needed 3)
  • The gripple website is pretty kak and Gazza’s grandmother could have probably built a better site. You went all out on this one guys. Congrats. Hopefully the rest of your campaign has a bigger budget. Who are the single named people? Are there phot0s, will get get to meet these people. Why has no one in Queensland or Canberra experienced a Gripple? Do you have to have shitty weather to experience this? Show me a Doris from South Africa and I will show you a virgin from the Gold Coast….

OK, so our suppositions on this include the following 5 options:

Option 1: A new studded lining called gripples which go inside Nike Skins, those useless pants all the yuppies wear to make you think they are extreme sportsmen and woman when in fact they are out for coffee and some shopping. Extreme sports in Mosman and Double Bay we know. Now we reckon you can get gripples inside to stop them riding up and giving you a wedgie while walking through David Jones, to ensure your butt retains the perfect shape, even though you haven’t worked for it. Massage the cellulite away maybe as well?

Option 2: New serviettes with gripples on from Maccas. When you have a lot of cheap burger sauce to wipe off your singlet, you need a little grip to get it out of the white material, not so much to remove the mark but more to ensure it doesn’t dry too thick and crack later in the day, especially when you are out and about. Great for tradesman and other interesting people in Bankstown.

Option 3: A new book by Dan Brown (The Kaksak is the only person in Bankstown who knows who Dan is and I keep it a secret as you can get moered here for knowing this. Nobody reads books here, just TV movies and TV games allowed). Anyway, the gripple effect might be like similar to the greenhouse effect where instead of the planet getting warmer because of all the gas (Gazza is a big contributer to this) it is a Government initiative to warn people on the effects of the gripple and how grippling will make you more healthy, desirable, sexy, independent, smarter, free thinking, able to rise above the crowd, make a million dollars, awesomely attractive, the life and sole of the party…. oops sorry that is credit card or watch ad, this is the Government we are talking about.  It would no doubt be another means of keeping Julia Gillard in as prime minister, be expensive, the cost be born by the taxpayers and then be stuffed up in implementation with a bigger cost blow out than expected. Im sure the PM also said there would be no gripple effect during her election campaign. Must cut down on the VB during the election months to stay on top of the detail.

Option 4: The Gripple is something that will result from the Carbon Tax. The carbon tax is in on the 1st July as is the Gripple effect. Nobody knows what the true impact of the carbon tax is, other than a lot of battlers with new found cash to spend on pokies and beer as compensation for the ducted air conditioning, under floor heating and large stoves, washing and coffee machines which chew up electricity and are now going to cost a lot more. Australia, the only country with a carbon tax, nobody else has and which will make already expensive cities even more expensive. That will be the gripple effect, a slow vice like grip on your wallet, savings and cash to ensure Julia and her ministers have more money for junkets and other over seas trips we pay for. The only place we can afford to go is Bali and now Gazza wont go after Schapelle got caught with zol. Phuket he also wont go to, apparently last time he was there he had an issue determining if the “date” he picked up late one night was girl or girl-boy and only found out the next morning and it is a topic we don’t discuss any more in the kaksak household.

Option 5: New car seats with gripples on them to avoid having to wear a seatbelt. So you can like just jump into the Skyline, window open, arm out and no constricting seatbelt so you can wave at the chicks as you cruise George Street Saturday night, windows open, freezing and the rap music thumping. If you have to stop suddenly, the gripples will keep your pants in place anyway. Apparently during testing a number of test pilots ended up running down the road at 60km per hour in the nude after a sudden stop with the gripples still holding their nylon tracksuit pants in place, still in perfect form on the cloth seat. If the driver got a fright, you could clean the seat with a gripple napkin from Maccas, see option 2. Apparently the undies stayed as well the gripple effect worked so well.

In conclusion

So we think we have it sussed out. Maybe narrowed down to these 5 options. We will keep you posted if we find out more of if the lovely people from Gripple contact us and offer us dollars to boast about their gripple product. Maybe we even get to meet Julia and Tony in Canberra.

Check out the Gripple Effect here.