Category Archives: Australian news

Luck Tsotsi Shebeen in Darlinghurst

Well it had to happen sooner or later, a Shebeen had to open in Darlinghurst, (245 Oxford Street) of all places? WTF? My recollection of the Shebeens in South Africa are somewhat hazy, both smoke and alcohol wise and I remember very big beers there. In fact if you drank anything that came in a container less than 1 litre you got automatically ejected via the rear entrance by your ear. I also remember the prices were fairly low, given they were mostly illegal. So Im assuming the Lucky Tsotsi is both illegal and cheap if it is to follow in the footsteps of its African predecessors’.

I also expecting to see a couple of Hiace’s parked outside in disrepair and plumes of zol smoke bellowing from the windows, loud music playing on a really bad sound system, corrugated iron and string holding the place together and finally I should also be somewhat fearlful for my safety if this to be a true Shebeen experience. OK, maybe I just visited the upmarket ones…

I spoke with Gazza, we reckon they will have gone soft. There will be no smoking, fancy beer in small bottles, outrageous prices and a bunch of well behaved yuppies eating peri peri   chicken and maybe a small, neat starter of bunny chow.  The peri peri is probably not even that hot? OK, we are excited and pre judging this place. But it is in Darlinghurst not Bankstown?

Anyway, about time we had a Shebeen in Sydney, but why not Kings Cross or Bankstown I dunno? Always looking for an excuse to visit the Cross. The girls are friendly and its a bit of a skande, but in some of the clubs they don’t wear much either, so its definitely more interesting than the Bankstown RSL. I digress. So looking forward to popping into the Shebeen sometime when I have managed to save up enough dollars for the train trip, and if this happens we will report back on our experience. Does a Castle Lager really cost 8 bucks there?

Back to the Lucky Tsotsi, whoever he is. I asked Gazza if he knew what a Tsotsi was and he thought I was saying Tot siens badly, even though he is an Aussie he has picked up some of “die taal” along the way. Anyway I reckon the Tsotsi can consider himself lucky to be in Sydney and even luckier that the Kaksak has discovered his existence, maybe.

Does this mean I have to put my bed on bricks now?

 

 

Rudd v Gillard and who will win

Wow, when Pik Botha and PW Botha were in charge there was none of this kak. Now unless you are a back stabbing whinger with high self interest you cannot hack it in politics.

Anyway, the Kaksak in the interest of public policy thought we should consult the Sangoma on who might be victorious on Monday. Basically, either way Julia is rooted and we don’t mean by the First Bloke either… So this is exactly what the Sangoma saw in his (Made in China) bones.

If Julia wins, her approval rating will drop below 15% which is the death knell and most likely Steven Smith will take over within 3 months anyway. If Julia loses she will be on the backbench and most likely out of a job in 3 months. Read on.

If Kev wins he will be PM and put Julia on the back bench. If Kev loses he will become an independent and take the Government to an election anyway. He is popular in his seat in Queensland, so he would retain it and his job and live out the the rest of his days in a chilled state. He has enough frequent flyer miles now to continue travelling, but is actually pretty gatvol after travelleing so much at the Kaksaks hard earned tax dollars.

Only drama might be if Kev wins and the independents do something silly, but why would they, they still have 18 months of the gravy train left.

Basically Julia can only come out of this badly. As for Wayne Swan it will probably be worse, but then as a short bloke he should be used to this kind of shit.

So the Kaksak is watching with interest to see who will prevail.  Being completely independent we have decided to share would we believe would be suitable punishments for both Kev and Ms Gillard if the other wins:

Anyway, here goes:

What Kev will do:

  1. Only allow side profile head shots of back bench parliamentarians going forward
  2. Institute a parliamentary swimsuit calendar compulsory for backbenchers for 2012. Julia will be Miss March and be featured with a large knife strategically placed
  3. Enforce the saying or prayers in parliament, to be lead each day by Julia
  4. Make her share an office with Bob Katter and Andrew Wilkie
  5. Double the allowances for MP’s with children

What Julia will do:

  1. Make Kevin pay for his own dam flights
  2. Only allow him to speak in parliament on one condition, if he promises not to use the words “and let me say this”
  3. Ambassador in Baghdad, effective immediately
  4. Make him share an office with Oakshott and Windsor
  5. Actually none of the above, if he goes, so will she….
What the Kaksak says. Kev, you have the balls to stand up and try and take back what was yours, good on you, you deserve to be PM for giving it a go. We support you. Right after Tony Abbott.

 

 

Top posts for 2012

As voted by Gazza, Toula and myself, these are the absolute top 10 posts based on visitor counts for 2011. So looking back the Kaksak has not been that active late in the year, for that we apologise and we will try to drink less beer, eat less boerie and be more diligent in 2012. So for what it is worth. The Kaksak top 10. Don’t split your sides laughing now….

  1. 10 funny facts about BMW Drivers, you need to know!
  2. Male fairy tale – say no more
  3. The legend of Bakkies Botha, similar to Chuck
  4. You know you are a South African boy when….
  5. RWC 2011 in New Zealand activities, typical
  6. Big Saturday night out in Sydney
  7. Natal curry contest, the real deal, not the mild stew we get in Australia. The real curry lives in Durban.
  8. Batman, and the Lord of the Ring. Say no more…
  9. Too scared not to put Chuck Norris in here.
    Even at #9 we are watching for the round house kick….
  10. The funniest test to see if you are ready for kids?

All the best for 2012,

The Real Kaksak

10 Worst Christmas Gifts of 2012

These were the worst gifts received in the Kaksak Household this year, in order of greatness:

  1. Overdue library book, awesome
  2. Hand me down undies from dad, need I say more
  3. Three pack of condoms from the ex, with the note “F… you and good luck dating in 2012”
  4. After shave from Gazza. In small letters on the back were the words “Free sample”
  5. Homemade coupon from Toula to do the dishes 1 night only in 2012
    You live here you idiot…
  6. Combined ear and nose hair trimmer. Aah, thanks mum
  7. Fake iPod which was DOA and gave my laptop a virus!
  8. Ham sandwich, WTF?
  9. Homemade porno of Gazza, by himself. Still trying to get the visuals out of my head!
  10. Keyring digital picture frame, which fell apart when opened.

Hopefully you got a new BMW, Ducatti or something from the Apple store. Christmas is now done, whats up for New Year?

 

Merry Christmas everyone

Well the Kaksak is poor again this year. The Internet millions did not transpire and the rest was spent on beer, steak and potatoes. Gazza didn’t eat the potatoes because of his issues with the Irish and I think caused the first reported case of scurvy in Bankstown since 1932. More on that later.

Anyway, it has been a busy 2011 as you would have noticed the lack of recent posts, the need to keep my day job and lots of Internet action going, as well as  lots of partying, not to mention the RWC in Middle Earth. As a result we are staying home in beautiful Bankstown, or kaksak land as the local mayor calls it.

Thanks for your support this year.

So, with that we wish all our readers a Merry Christmas and a happy new year and hope 2012 is a successful and entertaining year. And ofcourse don’t forget to keep on reading the funniest South African Blog in the world.

 

RWC WashedUp

So long and thanks for the lack of good QFs, mainly thanks to the refs. We don’t believe Sam Warburton should have been red carded either. The Wallabies behaved like gentlemen yesterday and the All Blacks behaved like men possessed by demons wanting to win the World Cup. So good luck France, you are going to get your arses kicked all the way back to France and finals will most likely be a fizzer. But we expected that and thanks again to the Walabies for losting to Ireland and screwing up the QFs.

Not happy…. The Kaksak.

 

RWC Washup QF2

What a game! The Bokke based on stats should have won, the Bok supporters are complaining about the ref, but the Wallabies defense was awesome, everything else of theirs. a tad crap. Cooper was hopeless, they could not build more than 1 or phases, the Bokke had 5 of 15 phases, the Wallabies had none. The Wallaby line outs were crap with the Bokke winning most of theirs, but the Wallaby defence was awesome. 147 tackles to the Bokke 54, the boys must be sore this week.

Sad to see Smit, Matfield, Habana, Burger etc exit, who will no doubt retire, they have been a pleasure to watch. But 11-9, that was close and a the game of the tournament so far, in my little book anyway.

The All Black, Puma game was pretty much what we expected. They tried but when it comes to discipline and Wepu kicking, no excuse. The men stood up from the boys. So in fact they played the curtain raiser after the main event.

The Kaksak is looking forward to the semi final and will definitely get a semi if the Wallabies win. But no win at Eden park since 1986.

Go The Wallabies….

RWC Washup QF1

Well England have denied being on the field in the first half of the game but today CCTV confirmed in fact they were, with a mystery blond. Ball errors galore, opportunities wasted, the French, all credit to them, ignored the white jerseys, did not surrender and manager to score 2 croissants and a french loaf, convincingly beating the poms, also with a 59kg lighter pack. WTF? Martin Johnson ain’t happy. He said. “Lads,  I find this whole affair terribly disappointing” or something to that effect. The French celebrated in style with wine, cheese, escargot and some other things the Kaksak cannot print here.

As for Wales, what a team. “Oiland, Oiland” proudly sung by the fat spectators in green drinking draft by the litre quickly turned to wails in the first half when they realised that being Irish just ain’t enough, and boy are they regretting beating our treasured Wallabies. Could have had an easy game against the Bokke. The Irish team weren’t too fussed, this means an extra week in the pub.

Looking forward to the Wallabokke this afternoon. I was tipping the Wallabies but the weather could change this affecting their running game. The Bok pack is pretty solid despite our man Bakkies missing.

The Sangoma has revised his game predictions. Wales are in with a chance. No Irish were harmed in the making of this blogpost, so dont send us stupid emails to complain. We will delete them….

RWC – Are you Ready

Well Im off across the ditch to visit the place where the Kiwi’s come from. I say that because they all love to live and work in Australia. Other than when the rugby world cup is on ofcourse. Im also going to see if I can spot the Boknaai in training, try buddy up to Bakkies and Victor and commiserate with Bismarck. Ofcourse all this will only be possible if the boknaaing QANTAS staff do not strike,  although I hear it is the customs guys that are striking so I might even be able to sneak a little something over with me to aid in my enjoyment of the RWC.

Things I will not be doing in New Zealand:

  • Enough said:

No Sheep Shagging Sign

  • The naked Haka…

Nude Haka

  • Calling Ritchie MCaw gay
  • Telling the “All Blacks are like a bra” joke, lots of support but no cup! or “WHat do you call 15 Kiwis in a room watching the RWC final? The All Blacks, or Did you hear thieves broke into the All Blacks RWC trophy room, the NZ police are now looking for a cabinet and a carpet?
  • Looking for hobbits
Wish me luck.