Valentines Day! Do not let it run you over!

So how many single men does it take to avoid Valentines Day? None! Its never happened. How many get lucky on Valentines Day. Well only 39.6% and then around 42% within a week and 56% within 2 years. But what you should know is that on any other given night people, both men and women with intent will get lucky around 69%. Well actually that’s 100% for women and 35% for men, the difference accounts for the gay population who help bring the average up.

So check out our Valentines Day Gifts, carefully researched. All the best ideas, right here! Actually, set your objectives first then read our carefully concocted gift list to help you achieve your goals. That is what the Kaksak is all about helping our boys and gals get further in life.

We note. No affiliate and no sponsored posts here, this was all our own brilliance!

You and Valentines Day! What should you do?

  • You are in love with a self obsessed, narcissistic tool! This can be good as you don’t have to love him or her, they totally in love with themselves.Awesome narcissist gift idea. Remember, whatever you do, do not tell him to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror.
  • You want to end it but are too scared too, she is bigger than you: Email her a link to this online check your weight tool?from your Gmail account and then close it. Quick. Also move interstate. Darwin is good. Never, never come back.
  • You want to end it because he is such a Geek! Never gets out, always on his f#$king computer. This is it, put your foot down, open the curtains and order one of these, don’t worry he will never email, Skype, Twitter or Facebook you again. Just make sure you return the Play Station.
  • You want to end it, but you need him to drive you to work. The bus sucks! So no sex, don’t get the wrong idea, just want to be friends, you happen to have a work function on V Day night can you believe it, the bastards you say, but you need to keep your work transport going, need to get to work you know. Here is the perfect “get no ideas” gift. If you order this you also really need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, unless ofcourse you get gift idea #1 as well.
  • If you want to give her the shits big time, then buy her this.?Guaranteed or your money back. Might not work if she is Geek. Consider carefully before ordering.
  • You need all the help you can get, no guarantees here but it has been known to get at the least a one night stand! Seriously, and who gives a shit if you can’t pay your rent or eat for the next 7 months, the sweet memories will linger on. No trust us, not…
  • If all you think about is sex, then you?wouldn’t?be here anyway. Probably be on a porn site so this is just a?place holder.
  • If you have been dating, but only fully clothed and need to bring it to a head, excuse the pun! You haven’t had sex yet, but this is the big one, go big or go home, this is the night it’s going down. Here is what we suggest. Just don’t let it get unwrapped at dinner. You might also want to practice your right arm block for the head slap and bring a change of shirt so you can change after you get the glass of red wine on your head. But hey, YOLO.
  • If you you want to be in the 39,6% every time, especially if you are married. Actually no, single and want to wake up with a smile on your dial. Thy this, helping get Australians laid for years now. No seriously Traditional Valentines, boring but effective flowers. You can’t go wrong. Statistically, the bigger the bottle the more your chances increase, but this does not apply to the more roses you send. Actually a magnum of champagne and 1 rose will significantly increase your chances of getting lucky and is statistically 2,350% high chance than 1,500 roses and 1ml of Champagne has.
  • If you seriously want to get laid, but don’t really give a shit and couldn’t be bothered. Nothing we suggest is really going t help then.

So good luck and good night and remember. If its not on, its not on. Actually if you a guy, its always on, except if its not if you know what I mean. Good luck and enjoy Valentines Day. And if all else fails, speak to Riaan at the Springbok butcher, they have excellent gift ideas… Also we did a statistics course, kind of, in the pub and you really should not rely ont he quoted statistics, they are for informational purposes only.

 

The Machine Gun Preacher

The Kaksak just watched the Machine Gun Preacher based on the true story of Sam Childers a bad ass bikie, turned christian and then later preacher who ended up in Africa (Southern Sudan) built an orphanage and has been fighting the infamous Joseph Kony and his LRA who were abducting children and making them into child soldiers. I have never met Sam or Joseph, but have lived in Africa and done military service in various African countries as well as traveled into Africa. So my knowledge and experience of the matter is based on these and what we have read.

If half of what is in the movie true is true, hats off to this man. There are also a number of sites criticizing the work being done and the outreach program. Im the first to be weary of charities and believe they should always be checked out, this is not a call for support, you make your own decisions in that regard.

But, having lived in Africa and traveled around Africa I see many laptop warriors who seem never to have visited and seem intent on applying western standard and politics and this really gives me and the crew the shits. You can argue over pedantics of where the orphanage is geographically, whether it is still unsafe or unsafe, what a small number of children are helped, what other relief programs are in the area, but the bottom line is that Sam Childers currently has around 300 children in his orphanage and I would have to argue that these 300 children and the ones that came before them are better off that they were sleeping without protection and at the risk of abduction. They get fed, are unlikely to be abused and get some education. Life is hard in Africa, this man has made a difference I have no doubt in these peoples lives.

So well done Sam Childers for making a difference and putting your money where your mouth is. Good luck with the movie and raising awareness of abuse in Central Africa and with your tour of Australia. Where children are involved this is always sad and unacceptable.

This has been a Kaksak rant, but I think a worthwhile one. We will try stick to the humour for a little while again. Do watch the movie, we all enjoyed it. Check out South African Jokes here.