Category Archives: Funniest Jokes

2012 Jokes – These might be the worst ever

Happy New Year or just New Year, depending on how you are feeling today. Some of the unconfirmed worst jokes of 2012 to get you into just the right mood for 2013.

Last night I dialled 000 by mistake, so had to set the house on fire not to look stupid!

I had sex with a head ache. Hear that girls, no one died!!

To this day the bully at Bankstown high still takes my lunch money, but he does make a good quarter pounder

Called my drug Councillor last night. Couldn’t get through, they said he was on another line…

When you are married you can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina

Im good at remembering facts. There are 3,500 types of lice and that’s just off the top of my head

I’m have a recycling party next week. Bring your own bottle…..

Running away from your problems doesn’t help, unless you are fat

The Cod population has dropped significantly. Clearly they are taking a battering

Elvis my pet mouse died. He was caught in a trap…

An Apple fan walks into a bar, orders the same drink and pays more than yesterday

I asked the air hostess. Can you telephone from this plane Of course she said, a plane is a big thing with wings!

The air hostess said. Would you like Head Phones. I said, how did you know my name was Phones?

Got up at 6am. Did Yoga, called a friend and had salad for breakfast. Then suddenly I found I could no longer drive…

I got in touch with my inner self today. Last time I buy cheap toilet paper from K Mart

I said to my GF. Before we met I was promiscuous. She said, Thats OK I love Greek Mythology

When it comes to online dating. Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer, men are afraid of meeting someone fat!

The Olympic Russian body builders have iPads strapped to their arms..

I nearly forgot to update my status after Id been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been..

Took a ring into the pawn shop to sell. They said “Is it stolen?” I said “Hell no”. They said: “Whose finger is that then?”

Suicide is not the answer. She insisted it was. We lost trivia night by 1 point!

My wife says the breast implants make her uncomfortable. I think I look sexy!

I tried to give my office perv a high 5 yesterday. She swerved it, so I did a cart wheel to avoid looking like a complete dick…

The world is US$6 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe this to?

Horse walks into the pub. The barman says “So why the long face?”

My boss noticed me nodding off in a meeting. He said “Not getting enough sleep?” I said “Yes, the meetings are shorter these days”

An over the shoulder stare and lip lick is highly seductive, unless you are having your prostrate exam!

When having your prostrate exam, just be sure the doctor does not have both hands on your shoulders!

We were really pissed last night. Cooked the meet pies at 15 degrees for 180 minutes.

Just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the road drinking beer. Its either a grim reaper party or someone’s cat is actually dead.

Quit while you are ahead my dad said. No wonder I was never any good at the 100m sprint

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you”. My first and last day as hostage negotiator.

“Bought a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if within 1 foot. Note to self, don’t keep in back pocket!

I will deal with you in my office. said the head master. I sold him half an ounce…

Want to buy my GF some London Bridge undies, I hear they keep falling down…

I want to find my GF some American undies. I hear 1 yank and they are off…

On the Internet you can chose to be anyone you want. Amazing how most chose to be complete assholes…

Given what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself…

Policeman stopped me and asked I I by any chance had any drugs on me. Said “Sorry mate, sold the lot!”

 

 

Oh, and best wishes for the New Year…

Chuck Norris Jokes

OK, based on the success of the last Chuck Norris joke listing, we found some more Chuck Norris facts. Top 50 Chuck Norris facts from around the world, are….

  1. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger aired in France, the French surrendered just in case
  2. The “Black Eyed Peas” used to just be “The Peas” before they messed with Chuck Norris
  3. Chuck Norris puts his pants on like the next person, except while he is putting his pants on, he is fighting North Koreans
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
  5. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull
  6. Instead of a cigarette after sex, Chuck heads out and brands cattle
  7. Chuck Norris once round house kicked someone so fast they actually got younger
  8. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubiks cube and shit it out solved
  9. Chuck Norris came up with the idea of the Total Gym after bench pressing his penis and realising it was too heavy and he needed to work his way up
  10. Eve was created by the rib of Adam and Chuck Norris from one of his balls
  11. Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
  12. Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person
  13. The are 2 ways to do things, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris Way. The wrong way involves more round house kicks to the head
  14. Superman wears a Chuck Norris T shirt
  15. After Chuck Norris visited the “Virgin Islands”, they are now just the “Islands”
  16. Chuck Norris used to appear on Sesame Street until one day Miss Piggy ate his sandwich. Many Muppets died that day.
  17. Chuck Norris ends his relationships with “Its not me, Its you”
  18. Chuck Norris takes a baseball to the toilet with him in case he craps out a wild cat and has to beat it to death
  19. When Chuck Norris gives you the middle finger he is showing you how many seconds you have to live
  20. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  21. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before dad did
  22. The movie Anaconda was filed in Chuck Norris’s pants
  23. When you open a can of whoop ass, Chuck Norris jumps out
  24. When Chuck Norris wife asks him to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat
  25. Chuck Norris once played Jenga and the result was the empire state building
  26. Chuck Norris clogs up the toilet when he pisses
  27. Chuck Norris can turn off the light and be under the covers before the room gets dark
  28. Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one
  29. Terrorists recently tried to hijack Chuck Norris private jet. This has been recorded as the farthest a cowboy boot has even been stuck up someones arse
  30. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack and his heart lost
  31. Chuck Norris answers the phone and says “Go”, which is a cue for you to start running for your life
  32. Chuck Norris was once on wheel of fortune. He went first and the next 29 minutes were awkwardly spent waiting for he wheel to stop spinning
  33. The truth hurts a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris
  34. When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken
  35. When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian
  36. Chuck once lit a fart while camping in what was then known as the Sahara Forest
  37. Chick Norris can kick a fart back into an ass
  38. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’s PC will crash
  39. Ghosts are caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than death can process them
  40. Before going on stage, Chuck Norris breaks someone else’s leg to give him good luck
  41. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil
  42. Chuck Norris can kill you in more ways than you know how to die
  43. Once a Cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the Cobra died
  44. Chuck Norris once thought he was stuck between a rock and hard place, but then realised he was standing between 2 mirrors
  45. Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
  46. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard, only another fist
  47. Chuck Norris makes onions cry
  48. Chuck Norris once ate a bad Paella in Italy and the result shit became what we now know as Africa
  49. When Chuck Norris farts it smells like freshly baked Cinnamon Rolls
  50. Chuck Norris  donates a lot of blood, just not his own

The Kaksak is actually quite similar to Chuck, you could read either Chuck Norris or, the Kaksak above…

How to live with a Huge Penis

I received this book in the mail today. Anyone else get one?

How to live with a huge penis

Chapters from the book include:

  1. Preface : My friends call me Python
  2. Showering at the gym
  3. Buying underwear
  4. Keeping friends after they’ve seen you naked
  5. Rebuilding these friend’s self esteem
  6. Exercise safety
  7. Why you will never be a record breaking swimmer
  8. Dating, don’ts and never’s

Merry Christmas from the African Australian

Boys and Girls we hope you have been good this year and if not good, good at whatever it was you were trying to do and remember there is always next year to promise to be good and achieve nothing. So be all you can be, Merry Christmas and we hope Santa wasn’t watching.

Santa shitting down chimney

Remember what is Christmas is really about. And its not just the kids, turkey and presents in abundance. Will leave you to work that one out. Have a good one.

Gambling with the ATO

Its tax time and a man is sitting with his accountant going through his deductions at the Tax Office.

The Australian Tax Office (ATO) representative states that gambling losses are not deductible..

The man says, “But Im a gambler, if I can prove it will you allow them?”

Sure, says the ATO representative and yawns

The man says, “I will bet you $3,000 that I can bite my own eye.”

“You’re on” says the ATO representative, “and you accountant is my witness”

The man removes his glass eye, bites it and then returns it to his socket.

“Shit” says the ATO representative wondering how he is going to explain this to his wife.

“Ill tell you what ” says the man, “if I can bite the other eye, will you bet another $3,000?”. Pretty sure the man is not blind and with the option of squaring his debt, he agrees. The man duly removes his dentures and bites the other eyeball. The ATO representatives slips further into his seat and starts to realise he is truly rooted.

“OK” says the man.”How about double or quits? How about I bet  I can stand next to you and piss over your desk into your dustbin without getting a drop on your papers. Its tempting. The ATO representative thinks this is clearly a win and notices the mans accountant starting to look uncomfortable.

“OK” say the tax representative, “Lets see you do it, double or quits.

The man stands next to the ATO representative and proceeds to piss all over his desk and papers. The ATO representative jumps up, hugs him and says “I won”, “I won” The accountant at this stage bursts into tears.

“Whats wrong?” says the ATO representative.

He bet me $20,000 before this meeting that he could stand next to you, piss all over your papers, and that you would be happy about it….