If famous brand taglines were used on condoms. Thanks to the folks at NewCondoms.tumblr.com. Makes you think doesn’t it?
Happy New Year or just New Year, depending on how you are feeling today. Some of the unconfirmed worst jokes of 2012 to get you into just the right mood for 2013.
Last night I dialled 000 by mistake, so had to set the house on fire not to look stupid!
I had sex with a head ache. Hear that girls, no one died!!
To this day the bully at Bankstown high still takes my lunch money, but he does make a good quarter pounder
Called my drug Councillor last night. Couldn’t get through, they said he was on another line…
When you are married you can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina
Im good at remembering facts. There are 3,500 types of lice and that’s just off the top of my head
I’m have a recycling party next week. Bring your own bottle…..
Running away from your problems doesn’t help, unless you are fat
The Cod population has dropped significantly. Clearly they are taking a battering.
Elvis my pet mouse died. He was caught in a trap…
An Apple fan walks into a bar, orders the same drink and pays more than yesterday
I asked the air hostess. Can you telephone from this plane Of course not she said, a plane is a big thing with wings!
The air hostess said. “Would you like Head Phones?”. I said, “how did you know my name was Phones”?
Got up at 6am. Did Yoga, called a friend and had salad for breakfast. Then suddenly I found I could no longer drive…
I got in touch with my inner self today. Last time I buy cheap toilet paper
I said to my GF. Before we met I was promiscuous. She said, Thats OK I love Greek Mythology
The Olympic Russian body builders have iPads strapped to their arms..
I nearly forgot to update my status after Id been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been..
Took a ring into the pawn shop to sell. They said “Is it stolen?” I said “Hell no”. They said: “Whose finger is that then?”
Suicide is not the answer. She insisted it was. We lost trivia night by 1 point!
My wife says the breast implants make her uncomfortable. I said I think I look sexy!
I tried to give my office perv a high 5 yesterday. She swerved it, so I did a cart wheel to avoid looking like a complete dick…
The world is US$6 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe this to?
Horse walks into the pub. The barman says “So why the long face?”
My boss noticed me nodding off in a meeting. He said “Not getting enough sleep?” I said “Yes, the meetings are shorter these days”
An over the shoulder stare and lip lick is highly seductive, unless you are having your prostrate exam!
When having your prostrate exam, just be sure the doctor does not have both hands on your shoulders!
We were really pissed last night. Cooked the meet pies at 15 degrees for 180 minutes.
Just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the road drinking beer. Its either a grim reaper party or someone’s cat is actually dead.
Quit while you are ahead my dad said. No wonder I was never any good at the 100m sprint
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you”. That was my first and last day as hostage negotiator.
“Bought a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if within 1 foot. Note to self, don’t keep in back pocket!
I will deal with you in my office. said the head master. I sold him half an ounce…
Want to buy my GF some London Bridge undies, I hear they keep falling down…
I want to find my GF some American undies. I hear 1 yank and they are off…
On the Internet you can chose to be anyone you want. Amazing how most chose to be complete assholes…
Given what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself…
Policeman stopped me and asked I I by any chance had any drugs on me. Said “Sorry mate, sold the lot!”
Oh, and best wishes for the New Year…
What did the snail say to the Tortoise?
Hey, no need to go so f$%#ing fast is there?
Tell your girlfriend or wife you have something really funny for her to watch. If you not man enough just share via email or Facebook. This is important. Women need to see this, more than once.
OK, based on the success of the last Chuck Norris joke listing, we found some more Chuck Norris facts. Top 50 Chuck Norris facts from around the world, are….
The Kaksak is actually quite similar to Chuck, you could read either Chuck Norris or, the Kaksak above…
Sorry, short of materials today:
Doctor: Im afraid you are colourblind madam.
Patient: Are you serious?
Patient: Wow thats certainly come right out of the orange….
I received this book in the mail today. Anyone else get one?
Chapters from the book include:
Boys and Girls we hope you have been good this year and if not good, good at whatever it was you were trying to do and remember there is always next year to promise to be good and achieve nothing. So be all you can be, Merry Christmas and we hope Santa wasn’t watching.
Remember what is Christmas is really about. And its not just the kids, turkey and presents in abundance. Will leave you to work that one out. Have a good one.
Its tax time and a man is sitting with his accountant going through his deductions at the Tax Office.
The Australian Tax Office (ATO) representative states that gambling losses are not deductible..
The man says, “But Im a gambler, if I can prove it will you allow them?”
Sure, says the ATO representative and yawns
The man says, “I will bet you $3,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
“You’re on” says the ATO representative, “and you accountant is my witness”
The man removes his glass eye, bites it and then returns it to his socket.
“Shit” says the ATO representative wondering how he is going to explain this to his wife.
“Ill tell you what ” says the man, “if I can bite the other eye, will you bet another $3,000?”. Pretty sure the man is not blind and with the option of squaring his debt, he agrees. The man duly removes his dentures and bites the other eyeball. The ATO representatives slips further into his seat and starts to realise he is truly rooted.
“OK” says the man.”How about double or quits? How about I bet I can stand next to you and piss over your desk into your dustbin without getting a drop on your papers. Its tempting. The ATO representative thinks this is clearly a win and notices the mans accountant starting to look uncomfortable.
“OK” say the tax representative, “Lets see you do it, double or quits.
The man stands next to the ATO representative and proceeds to piss all over his desk and papers. The ATO representative jumps up, hugs him and says “I won”, “I won” The accountant at this stage bursts into tears.
“Whats wrong?” says the ATO representative.
He bet me $20,000 before this meeting that he could stand next to you, piss all over your papers, and that you would be happy about it….