Category Archives: Funniest Jokes

New Airline competes with Virgin Blue

The Kaksak is used to breaking news, and given the number of times we actually leave the haven of Bankstown, while travel is not a high priority it is important. We understand a new airline was announced today to compete head on with Virgin Blue.

We understand the new airline will give be a better ride and be easier to board. Customers appeared relaxed and many were smoking after the inaugural flight despite the non smoking signs and said they were happy they had come. “Looks like more passengers will be coming on board” in the future said an airline spokesman. In strange behaviour, many passengers denied ever boarding and had paid cash for their flights and said they would never do it again, despite the airline recording record bookings from nobodies and despite having a loyalty program for life, no one seemed interested in joining, just enjoying the cheap flights.

New Virgin Blue competitor

Virgin decided not to comment on the new competitor, saying that while the opposition offerred many charms, their ride was still the shortest, even if unsatisfying, and that they would continue to stick together and giggle. Might be the funniest story of the week.

More funniest jokes here.

Chuck Norris and the Kaksak

The best selection of Chuck Norris jokes. Sent in by a loyal reader and slightly edited:

  • Chuck Norris once ate a whole birthday cake before his friends told him there was a stripper in it
  • When watching Chuck Norris do a roundhouse kick in slow motion, he actually gives them 1 in the ass, washes his hands, then has a smoke and  then roundhouse kicks them in the face
  • Chuck Norris was once in a gun fight and the gun lost
  • Chuck Norris house does not have doors, just walls he walks though the walls
  • The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not square Chuck Norris the result is death
  • Chuck Norris eats steak every meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow first
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
  • Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decides what time it is
  • Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It is what Chuck Norris calls a pile of dead ninjas in his front yard
  • Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 345 kph for the Australian grand prix, without a car
  • Chuck Norris wears a rattlesnake as a condom
  • When the Terminator (Arnold) said “Ill be back” he was actually going to ask Chuck Norris for help
  • The first law of physics is that energy cannot be destroyed…. unless it meets Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris once shat blood. Just after he had eaten the 11,928 angry natives he had just killed
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris
  • Someone in history told Chuck Norris his roundhouse kick technique could be improved. Per the Wiki this has been recorded as one of the worst mistakes ever made in history
  • When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn’t drink formula, just Whiskey straight from the bottle
  • The full name of the UFC is actually the Ultimate Fighting Championship Non Chuck Norris Division
  • If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, you will die, if he misses the wind will tear your liver out…
  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects 1 lucky stranger to be round house kicked into the sun
  • TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion
  • The GFC was caused by Chuck Norris losing his first ever game of monopoly
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tele-marketer over the phone
  • They made Chuck Norris toilet paper but it was hopeless, it wouldn’t take shit from anyone
  • If you cannot see Chuck Norris you might be seconds away from death
  • Chuck Norris never sleeps, he just waits
  • Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper, then shat out Mister Miyagi and the Karate Kid followed by some Origami swans
  • Chuck Norris threw Neo out of Zion and now he is “The two”

We find these really funny, hysterics nearly resulted in us not finishing and Chuck Norris giving Gazza and me roundhouse kicks to the head. But wait, there has been an update. 50 more funny Chuck Norris Facts right here.

The Americans are Angry

The Americans are an angry nation…..

Statue of Liberty

and proud of it…

Stealth bomber

Morale of the story. Don’t f$#% with the Americans…

I was watching the Discovery Channel. The Americans have weapons that can kill you before you know you are dead. I think you wake up dead. Streuth. I told Kylie about the American weapons and she said she likes Americans and wears American underwear. I said, like I do they have a flag on them? She said no, but 1 yank and they are off.

Boom Boom…

$30 Million OzLotto Winner

Can you fokken believe it! I didnt win the $30 million Ozlotto draw and the Chinese man at the news agent swore I had the right ticket.I cannot even imagine $30 million, its would take 30 million years to make that money just from running Google Adwords on the Kaksak blog.

Anyway. good luck to the bloke that won. I heard he lives in the Inner West. With all that cash we thought, he needs to invest in something, what better investment is there than our business, Kaksak.com? We decided to find him, to enlighten him to this massive opportunity.

We thought about what we would do if we won the $30 million and decided we would head to the pool and chill out, check out the scenery and so on.

Anyway we headed down to Drummoyne pool and took a picture. Turns out it’s not as easy as we thought. Can you please have a look and see if you can see the OzLotto winner. Please email us if you can.

Spotting the $30 million Ozlotto winner

Cheers for any help you can provide in tracking down the winner.

The Kaksak Team

Addicted to the Internet – Sean Roach

So I went to see the Sean Roach tour this week. The show with the promise of millions to be made on the Internet. Thanks to Sean I now know that all you Kaksak readers have been free loading too long, time I monetised this site and youse all paid for my fine humour and jokes. Anyway, I must admit I was skeptical but Sean is a good showman and I think there was a lot of value in the talk. Well done. There is no such thing as a free lunch however and there are Internet packages on sale, not cheap I might add. Also quite interesting to see an older demographic present, ready to invest.

Also got me thinking about how the Internet is continually growing and really anybody can publish these days. It is just whether as Sean Roach puts it, you can get off your duff and do it. I think duff = ass. If you had no Internet knowledge this may be a good way to fast track some knowledge if you can afford it, but if you have the basics and have been on the web before, probably not for you. Some SEO limitations as well, and you are responsible for getting the traffic. Sean talks about search engines a lot but does not seem to see them as a relevant traffic driver. Maybe in the too hard basket?

So Sean, this one is for you. If you are as passionate abut the Internet as Sean is and the Kaksak crew are, the below picture is for you. Surfing the web, anywhere, anytime. Actually this is how we work at the Kaksak offices. Anyone want a job?

Addicted to the Internet

Good on you Sean Roach for coming to Australia and sharing your internet knowledge and passion. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Did you visit Bondi while you were here, I noticed you were here in summer weather. Please post pics on seanroach.com, obviously not of yourself. Hope all the folk you signed up are successful and achieve their online goals.