The F3 debacle this week is nothing new, its been getting worse and worse to the point of it now being ridiculous.
Rescue services have a job to do but they do not seem to give a shit about the folk stuck in the cars and act like there is no hurry. Because they are working you should sit and rot in your car. They only have a duty of care to the accident victims and those involved. Well about time someone wakes up. I see the head of the RTA has been stood down. WTF, so he was doing nothing before, and now he gets to not even have to go to work and still gets paid. Why can I not find a job paying $360,000 where I do not even have to show up. We at the Kaksak have had enough.
I can understand why Kristina Keneally has spent $100,000 on travel, I would not drive either if it took 11 hours to get from Sydney to Gosford. She is the Premier, she has the information, she knows better and why not fly if us poor taxpayers are paying, well you guys anyway have to pay for it, we don’t pay much tax in the Kaksak office it is against our religion. Any way, nothing small about our premier, Private jets nogal. As they say, everything is bigger and better in America., or is she Canadian? Gazza just corrected me I understand she is from Adelaide, explains the accent and everything else. Like screwing up the bus routes so I pay more. I should actually refer to it as the bus root, but that is another story.
Anyway, Toula, Gazza, Slick and Kylie all sat down and decided to propose our own management strategies for the F3. Obviously the RTA is incapable of coming up with any, so why not tap into the smart people from the Kaksak and get plans that will work. So here is our plan. We are happy to share it publicly and not take credit. Just as long as all those central coasters can get out of Sydney quickly, that will be fine. Strange people from there man…
So here we go. 3 Key strategies for the RTA to fix the F3.
1. F3 Communication Signboards
Tell the masses WTF is going on. Be honest with the delays, tell it like it is. No spin. We use this example from our brothers in the United States on how they communicate with drivers as to exactly what is happening in the traffic and who caused the issue.
2. Make alternative plans for those in need
These guys were stuck for 9 hours without a MacDonalds, Kentucky or Hungry Jacks in sight. Mac on the left suffered sever distress after not eating and had to receive counseling after arriving in Gosford. After some intensive feeding on 16 Big Macs and a Chicken from Red Rooster we think he is going to be OK. But in a television interview on Channel 7 filmed by Simon Fuller, he said he is never going to travel to Sydney again and is going to spend more time at his favourite Poker machine at the Gosford RSL to recover. He is also exploring opportunities with Slater & Gordon as to who to sue, as he thinks he lost 1 kilogram during the incident and feels the stress has affected him and he lives now in fear that he might be more than 2 minutes away from a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was going to sue for lost income but realised his dole payment will still be the same anyway.
His girlfriend is also upset as the stress has caused him to loose his sex drive and she is also demanding compensation for this and hopes the state government will step in to help. She would drive through to Sydney to see Kristina Keneally about the matter but is too scared to travel on the F3 again, and could not confirm whether she could fly by private jet at taxpayers expense but that felt that was only fair. So if you are going to keep people sitting in their cars for 9 hours, there should be McDonalds and coke for all, quick.
3. Give Priority to Priority Vehicles
Some traffic is more important than others. Those backpackers heading to Byron Bay cannot be without Zol and booze for long periods of time, so give them the right of way. Those having affairs also need to get where they are going fast. Very unromantic and mood spoiling to be sitting in a car for that long without doing anything naughty. Also gets uncomfortable when the spouse calls you only have the car kit to talk on. They have Formula 1 rooms waiting, being charged by the hour. let them through. Also we cannot forget the politicians, the very people who cause this, should have access, with press to be photographed waving to the people saying “We Care” and under their breaths, only about popular opinion and opinion polls, has anyone got a baby for me to hold?
Finally, don’t forget the rich people and celebrities. Usually easily identified as they drive BMW’s and Mercedes Benz’s, they should of course get right of way. For a fact BMW drivers do own the road, so it it’s theirs let them use it first. Heaven forbid any wealthy person should have 10 minutes of their time wasted. Also don’t forget the celebrities like Facebook boy and Ricki Lee who always have to look glamorous.
So for the rest of us. We felt it appropriate to share the best things to when stuck in a traffic jam, almost like the traffic jam checklist for Holden and Ford drivers. Remember the BMW and Merc drivers will be long gone.
Things to do during a F3 traffic jam
1. Phone ahead while you can (in the first 2 hours), let them know you will be late. 9 hour traffic jams are going to outlast your iphone battery, trust me
2. Hide all your tissues and water. After about 4 hours these will become extremely valuable. You can sell them, but hold out, selling too soon will not maximise their value. Setting your price too high can also result in rioting and injury. Only do this if you are a trained auctioneer or drug dealer.
3. Do not get out and try to hitch. Trust me it is not going to work at any time
4. Phone and complain about something. After 6 hours you will be in the right frame of mind to have the long overdue discussion with the bank about bank charges
5. Admire the engineering and beauty of your ’86 Hyundai. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
6. Listen to the morning, lunchtime and afternoon radio show on TodayFM. If you were pissed off before this will put you over the edge. Good time then to call the bank, or even people who may owe you money
7. After 8 hours, call your mother-in-law and tell her what you really think of her
8. Think abut your last sexual experience. If you are over 50, it was probably not expected, went on far too long and the end was an anti climax. Much like the F3 traffic debacle on Monday
9 Constantly remind yourself how lucky you are. Things could be worse, you could be living in Melbourne
10. After 10 hours, get out of your car, if you can walk. Find a large rock and take a bite out of it and chew. This will help stop you committing violent acts against police, firemen, RTA officials or politicians who may be in the vicinity.
So onward and upward NSW, the best place on earth to live. Serve you all right for trying to leave and go to the Coast.