Category Archives: Funny Stories

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!

* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

By accepting this message you agree to the following:

  1. The Kaksak recognises, acknowledges and respects the former owners of this browser impression being Google, but stuff them, we have you now!
  2. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, the responsibility of checking back for changes lies with you, the user.
  3. This message in no way encourages the consumption or use alcohol at any time and the Kaksak supports the responsible consumption of alcohol, especially if you are celebrating with your in-laws or on your own. If you are going to consume alcohol, this  should be done responsibly and in moderation, and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  4. This message does not encourage the consumption or over consumption of food, especially those that may be harmful to your health. You should consult a medical professional before consuming any foods outside of your regular diet. If you are a fat ass we cannot help that either. Eat less, shit more or burst!
  5. If as a result of reading this message you are encouraged to put up your Christmas Tree, the Kaksak accepts no related, ongoing liability related to the erection of the tree and associated decoration, no matter how bad they may be. Don’t be a tight ass, go buy new ones!
  6. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  7. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional.
  8. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  9. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  10. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  11. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak
  12. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted for injury that may or may no occur to the dog.
  13. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this limited liability blog post.
  14. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  15. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately
  16. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. Should you wish to make your experience carbon neutral, please donate $500 to the Kaksak and I will try and fart in a bottle for 24 hours.
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, Google compensation lawyers and see if one of them can read it to you.

Without prejudice

 

Management Tips – Saying it like it is!

At the Kaksak we are always trying to help our readers, especially those wankers who drive BMW’s, have big offices and earn lots of money. From our years of research at large corporates and in the tradie workplace, we understand what corporate managers say, and what tradie supervisors say, and the difference is really only in the wording. Pretty much the same thing really, just different speak. We also usually try and avoid foul language here, but it just didn’t work on this one without. So if you are easily offended, get the fuck out now….

So as a corporate manager, we recommend you share this article via you social networks, the one your co workers have access to so they have understand exactly what you say and what you mean to say in your daily corporate life. Good luck.

 

1. What you say: Thats OK, you go home at 5pm. its important to have a good work life balance.

What you wanted to say: Does this look like a fucking holiday camp? Finish your shit and then I will decide whether you can go home!

2. What you say: Even though you missed that, I’m sure we can still get it done within the time and budget allocated, everything will be OK

What you meant to say: This whole thing is fucked because of you!

3. What you say: There are clearly some development areas we need to address, how about a training course?

What you meant to say: You have no fucking clue, do you!

4. What you say: She is such a go getter, we are lucky to have her

What you meant to say: She is a power crazy bitch, and hates us all.

5. What you say: Don’t worry I will look at it tonight, you go off home!

What you meant to say: When the fuck did you expect me to look at this? Tonight?

6. What you say: We can take that on board, I’m just not sure it is feasible in the current economic environment, but a very good idea non the less.

What you meant to say: Fuck off you idiot!

7. What you say: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

What you meant to say: Well fuck me with a telephone pole, with a garden fork strapped to the front!

8. What you say: That’s interesting!

What you meant to say: Fuck me….

9. What you say: I was actually not involved in that project and also on leave at the time….

What you meant to say: Not my fucking problem!

10. What you say: He is not up to speed with all the issues yet!

What you meant to say: His head is unusually far up his arse this time!

11. What you say: May you should check with…..

What you meant to say: You are mistaking me for someone who gives a shit….

12. What you say: We are on a tight schedule, lets see if we can fit that in

What you meant to say: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

13. What you say: Hey Bob,  can you pop over over here for a minute?

What you meant to say: Oi! Dick head

14. What you say: You’re pregnant? Thats so awesome for you and John. When is it due?

What you meant to say: We are fucked! Why did you get pregnant when you know how much shit we have to do. How much time have we got before its born?

15. What you say:No problem, I was going to be at home anyway…

What you meant to say: Who needs a fucking holiday?

 16. What you say: Oh your chair is not comfortable! Thats unacceptable, lets call HR immediately and find their ergonomic advisor
What you meant to say: Sit on the fucking floor then. When I was your age we sat on cardboard boxes!

17. What you say: We would never expect our people to work over time and not get paid!

What you meant to say: This bunch of lazy pricks couldn’t work any slower if they tried! Fuck that!

18. What you say: Lets give away a new iPhone to motivate our people!

What you meant to say: A good boot up the arse always motivated me, how about we try that…

19. What you say: Don’t worry, take it as a learning experience, our customers are all morons anyway

What you meant to say: You little shitbag! How dare you fuck up this business like that!

20. What you say: Thats OK, you can take 3 months off, we will find a temp and manage somehow. You go get that travel bug out your system and have fun!

What you meant to say: Have you lost your fucking mind?

 

Say no more…..

Tsotsi Terror – We want compensation

After reading this Gazza reckons he has had the same thing happen to him since Toula (his girlfriend) put on 45kg.  He has been reliving the same nightmare. He said this is caused directly by the carbon tax and now wants compensation. Gazza is going to check out his member on monday, excuse the pun.

The Unlucky Tsotsi

 

 

So, we the Kaksakke feel for you brother Isaac and hope you can fix this. Note this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Lucky Tsotsi in Darlinghurst. if they are watching, we still have not received our invites for free Castle, they must have got lost, please send more.

Enlarge the article, use Control and +. Only works on the article, nothing else…

 

The Olympics are done. What now?

Well the Kaksak has had a busy couple of weeks with the Olympics and all going on in London. We reckon the poms are going to go into a state of depression now that they no excuses for not working and have been able to do f#$# all for 2 weeks. Gazza and I decided maybe we could lobby for the next Olympics to be in Bankstown, but then after a couple of brainstorming beers, Toula klapped Kylie for not wanting to write the submission to the Bankstown Mayor, Gazza then dropped his lip with Kylie and stopped speaking, wouldn’t even ask for another beer so Tolla who is visiting from the farm klapped Gazza upside down for not telling him his toast was burning, so to the whole thing turning into a klapping olympics. snot klap, kop klap, gat klap I witnessed it all.

Anyway, not that the Olympics are done, this post is actually for the poms, 5 things you can do now that the Olympics are done:

  1. Try not to think about Penguins
  2. Try to swallow your tongue
  3. Act intelligent
  4. Pretend to be a leaf
  5. Beam yourself somewhere

OK, so now the Kaksak has wasted 30 seconds of your time, how about sharing some learnings from 2 weeks of lying on the couch watching Gazza drink VB after VB and smoke until late into the night on the kak Channel 9 coverage.

These are the 5 things we learnt, after 2 weeks of veging:

  1. White men can’t run
  2. Black men can’t swim
  3. Neither white men or black men can do synchronised swimming
  4. Stephanie Rice likes black men and white men
  5. Thanks f^$% for the sailors or our gold medal count would have been less than Lesotho’s

Given we have been sitting on our asses for 2 weeks, this is what Gazza got paid last week.

kaksak-payslip

So no VB, no rent and no nothing. OK, Lets watch Big Brother, probably know one of the housemates…

 

The last thing I saw

I remember nothing. This was the last picture taken on my mobile phone…

The last photo taken on my mobile

Apparently the K Mart is still under repair and there are also numerous claims from both customers and staff for injuries ranging from missing eyebrows, to toxic fume inhalation and burns to skin. The kebab shop around the corner is denying everything but they have pulled their Double chilli beef and bean kebab. No explanation given.

 

10 Worst Christmas Gifts of 2012

These were the worst gifts received in the Kaksak Household this year, in order of greatness:

  1. Overdue library book, awesome
  2. Hand me down undies from dad, need I say more
  3. Three pack of condoms from the ex, with the note “F… you and good luck dating in 2012”
  4. After shave from Gazza. In small letters on the back were the words “Free sample”
  5. Homemade coupon from Toula to do the dishes 1 night only in 2012
    You live here you idiot…
  6. Combined ear and nose hair trimmer. Aah, thanks mum
  7. Fake iPod which was DOA and gave my laptop a virus!
  8. Ham sandwich, WTF?
  9. Homemade porno of Gazza, by himself. Still trying to get the visuals out of my head!
  10. Keyring digital picture frame, which fell apart when opened.

Hopefully you got a new BMW, Ducatti or something from the Apple store. Christmas is now done, whats up for New Year?

 

10 funny facts about BMW Drivers

  1. If you can’t see their flicker (turn light for non South Africans), check the drivers window for middle finger
  2. If your car is not a BMW, then it must be a shitbox, and you should give way to all BMW’s
  3. If car cost more than a BMW then you most likely have a small penis and should still give way
  4. BMW drivers believe BMW stands for “Bring more women”
  5. BMW drivers have more sex than Hyundai drivers, but mostly with themselves
  6. The flicker (see 1.) is there to confirm a BMW driver has already changed lanes or cut you off
  7. The far right hand lane (fast lane) is the “BMW lane” and you should stay the f… out of it
  8. BMW drivers are happy with speeding fines,
    it’s an endorsement from the state that BMW’s are in fact, very fast
  9. As a general rule, BMW drivers know Merc drivers are “old farts”
  10. If you are reading jokes about BMW drivers you obviously cannot afford one…. Life sucks

For real facts on BMW drivers you can read more here. If you are from BMW and would like to sponser the Kaksak witha  free BMW to drive then please contact us and we would be happy to write the same post but in a much more positive light. If not, keep thinking you are gods gift to women and you have large you know whats!

 

Male Fairy Tale

Yes there is such a thing as a male fairy tale…

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

Natal Curry Contest

An oldie but a Goodie, the Natal Curry Contest

Natal Curry Contest. This will bring a smile to your dial. For those of you who have lived in Natal, now known as Kwa Zulu Natal in South Africa, you know how typical this is. They actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: ‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted’. Here are the scorecard notes from the event.

CURRY 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY

Judge 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) — Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY

Judge 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS ‘BURN DOWN THE GARAGE’ CURRY

Judge 1 –Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY

Judge 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli anaphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 – LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sharpen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to kill myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sharpen. Can’t feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 – SELINA’S ‘MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE’ CURRY

Judge 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY

Judge 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge 3 – no report