Corporate acronyms and other embarrassing crap

On the train this morning found a Fin Review. Yes, the Kaksak can read. Initially thought I might take it to put on the floor to stop getting beer on the carpet but then found an article which got me thinking. So, if you work in the corporate world, and have been using any of these terms this year, stand up, walk up to the nearest stranger and ask him to give you a snot klap as hard as he or she can, so you can pull yourself toward yourself (Direct Afrikaans translation). and stop doing it. For those of you who just can’t, read on.

Thanks to the Fin Review for these non pearls of wisdom.

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2010 Corporate Jargon

Re-purposing -as in we didn’t make our numbers to get our bonus, lets consider re-purposing that provision to get the numbers right…

Thought Showers – Similar to golden showers

Unpack – As in unpack a new strategy. What? You bought it from Ikea?

Key take outs – Domino’s Pizza and KFC in our house. Seriously, as in the Key Takeouts of getting very pissed are that the chances of losing your mobile phone and/ or wallet is good and that members of the opposite sex get a lot more attractive the more you drink?

Level of granularity –  We asked Gazza for a level of granularity on the household budget and he brought us Nutri Grain

Creating Artefacts – As in the pink satin heart shaped pillow I got for Valentines Day last year, is an artefact of my relationship at that time i.e. really kak…

Moving forward – What Gazza says every time Toula catches him cheating. Also something my car Nissan Skyline rarely does.

Call it out – As in, “that guy is a wanker”, lets call it out…

Hero term – Thats me, the kaksak.

You can bind these together as well:

Lets get a level of granularity on the hero terms and call them out. We can then get our ducks in a row by unpacking and re purposing the key take outs. If you all put in 110% we can then touch base just before we roll out

See how easy it is!

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2009 Corporate Jargon:

Ducks in a row – when theyve realised you were all responsible for the f… up, make sure you and your mates have your ducks in a row for the inquiry

Touch base – whole different meaning when you’re in a pub in Parramatta

Pick the low hanging fruit – when you still haven’t picked up late on a Friday night and you’re getting desperate, you might pick the low hanging fruit….

Put in 110% – What Gazza gets when he works out how to split the bill after dinner

Roll out – What fat people do

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Some new jargon from the Kaksak for 2011:

These are guaranteed to make you look smart, creditable and get that bonus, as your manager will have no idea what you are taking about but nevertheless be very impressed.

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Pornstar Engagement – Try to make the job look glamourous and pleasurable, meanwhile you really are just screwing over your employees

Banana skywriting – No one has the balls to stand up and say anything, so get it out there some other way, so no one knows it you

Standing in front of the Gimp – Refer to getting your ducks in a row, a bad place to be.  If things are really dire, you might replace “standing” with “bent over”

Dinosaur baseline – The initial starting point of just about anything, that is so far back you can only really improve and look good.

Share some belly timber – Go out to a pseudo healthy corporate or staff lunch

Profile pimping – Get onto Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and try to look vaguely like a cool Internet person

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These are just as easy to use:

Lets share some belly timber over our pornstar engagement strategy and how to avoid standing in front of the gimp on this. Some banana skywriting will help , and if it doesn’t we can do some profile pimping to help find new jobs.

Get into jargon in the new year, make your colleagues and friends think you are very smart and get that increase or bonus you have been hoping for… Good luck.

What are your favourite acronyms?