Category Archives: Funny Stories

Ready for kids test

13 simple tests to help you decide whether to have children:

1. Money

Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office

Go home.  Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time

2. Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits,tidying up, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers

3. Nighttime

Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at  midnight  and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

Set the alarm for 3am

As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea

Go to bed at 2.45am

Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off

Sing songs in the dark until 4am

Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off

Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

4. Dressing Small Children

Buy a live octopus and a string bag

Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out

Time Allowed: 5 minutes

5. Cars

Forget the BMW.  Buy a practical, ugly 5-door wagon with the worst sound system on the market and the skinniest tyres.

Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there

Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player

Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat, ensure some go into the cup holders and air con vents

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car

6. Going For a Walk

Wait

Go out the front door

Come back in again

Go out

Come back in again

Go out again

Walk down the front path

Walk back up it

Walk down it again

Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes

Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way

Retrace your steps

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you

Give up and go back into the house

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk

7. Repeat everything you say at least five times.

8. Grocery Shopping

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat

Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight

Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children

9. Feeding a one year-old

Hollow out a melon

Make a small hole in the side

Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane

Continue until half the cornflakes are gone

Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor

10. TV

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney

Watch nothing else on television for at least five years

11. Long Trips with Toddlers

Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ or “Daddy” or both, with “umm” in between repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy

Include occasional crescendo to 100db. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years at full volume.

12. Conversations

Start talking to an adult of your choice

Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. The run off randomly pretending to save a child from doing something dangerous, then resume the conversation where you left off after 15 minutes, every 5 minutes

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room, or at your BBQ

13. Getting ready for work

Pick a day on which you have an important meeting

Put on your finest work clothes

Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it, stir and dump half of it on your nice silk shirt and onto your Italian shoes

Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

Blow your nose and dab the contents of the tissue onto your shoulder and jacket collar

Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. Leave jacket and shoes

Do not change (you have no time)

Go directly to work

Congratulations! You are now ready to have children. Find more Australian Jokes here.

Merry Christmas from the African Australian

Boys and Girls we hope you have been good this year and if not good, good at whatever it was you were trying to do and remember there is always next year to promise to be good and achieve nothing. So be all you can be, Merry Christmas and we hope Santa wasn’t watching.

Santa shitting down chimney

Remember what is Christmas is really about. And its not just the kids, turkey and presents in abundance. Will leave you to work that one out. Have a good one.

Corporate acronyms and other embarrassing crap

On the train this morning found a Fin Review. Yes, the Kaksak can read. Initially thought I might take it to put on the floor to stop getting beer on the carpet but then found an article which got me thinking. So, if you work in the corporate world, and have been using any of these terms this year, stand up, walk up to the nearest stranger and ask him to give you a snot klap as hard as he or she can, so you can pull yourself toward yourself (Direct Afrikaans translation). and stop doing it. For those of you who just can’t, read on.

Thanks to the Fin Review for these non pearls of wisdom.

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2010 Corporate Jargon

Re-purposing -as in we didn’t make our numbers to get our bonus, lets consider re-purposing that provision to get the numbers right…

Thought Showers – Similar to golden showers

Unpack – As in unpack a new strategy. What? You bought it from Ikea?

Key take outs – Domino’s Pizza and KFC in our house. Seriously, as in the Key Takeouts of getting very pissed are that the chances of losing your mobile phone and/ or wallet is good and that members of the opposite sex get a lot more attractive the more you drink?

Level of granularity –  We asked Gazza for a level of granularity on the household budget and he brought us Nutri Grain

Creating Artefacts – As in the pink satin heart shaped pillow I got for Valentines Day last year, is an artefact of my relationship at that time i.e. really kak…

Moving forward – What Gazza says every time Toula catches him cheating. Also something my car Nissan Skyline rarely does.

Call it out – As in, “that guy is a wanker”, lets call it out…

Hero term – Thats me, the kaksak.

You can bind these together as well:

Lets get a level of granularity on the hero terms and call them out. We can then get our ducks in a row by unpacking and re purposing the key take outs. If you all put in 110% we can then touch base just before we roll out

See how easy it is!

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2009 Corporate Jargon:

Ducks in a row – when theyve realised you were all responsible for the f… up, make sure you and your mates have your ducks in a row for the inquiry

Touch base – whole different meaning when you’re in a pub in Parramatta

Pick the low hanging fruit – when you still haven’t picked up late on a Friday night and you’re getting desperate, you might pick the low hanging fruit….

Put in 110% – What Gazza gets when he works out how to split the bill after dinner

Roll out – What fat people do

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Some new jargon from the Kaksak for 2011:

These are guaranteed to make you look smart, creditable and get that bonus, as your manager will have no idea what you are taking about but nevertheless be very impressed.

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Pornstar Engagement – Try to make the job look glamourous and pleasurable, meanwhile you really are just screwing over your employees

Banana skywriting – No one has the balls to stand up and say anything, so get it out there some other way, so no one knows it you

Standing in front of the Gimp – Refer to getting your ducks in a row, a bad place to be.  If things are really dire, you might replace “standing” with “bent over”

Dinosaur baseline – The initial starting point of just about anything, that is so far back you can only really improve and look good.

Share some belly timber – Go out to a pseudo healthy corporate or staff lunch

Profile pimping – Get onto Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and try to look vaguely like a cool Internet person

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These are just as easy to use:

Lets share some belly timber over our pornstar engagement strategy and how to avoid standing in front of the gimp on this. Some banana skywriting will help , and if it doesn’t we can do some profile pimping to help find new jobs.

Get into jargon in the new year, make your colleagues and friends think you are very smart and get that increase or bonus you have been hoping for… Good luck.

What are your favourite acronyms?

Why men need supervision

I go away for 1 week and this is what the boys have done. WTF?

Aircon broke so they fixed it over a couple of cans of VB

Car with 3d party airconditionng

Crashed the car, but fixed it themselves…

Home car repairs of the headlight

Decided to stay in doors cos of the rain and then the TV broke so they entertained themselves…

Indoor wheelie on bike

Installed a spa on the front porch but then were too lazy to get out of it to do anything, and I mean anything…

Hunting from the spa

Then after more beers decided to trm the top of the hedge on Saturday afternoon. Very innovative.

Trimming the top of the hedge

May need some time to sort all this Kak out. Be back soon. Find more South African Jokes here.

The South African BBQ (Braai)

BBQ ing in South Africa

Its September, the sun is out and it is BBQ weather. Actually its always BBQ weather if you are South African, warmer weather is just an excuse to BBQ or Braai again. South Africans are also very innovative when it comes to BBQ ‘ing and have created some of the finest cuisine for the most discerning pallets around. For the perfect barbie, you need the following:

Innovation in key

Below is the all is one, paper and wors sausage, allowing the butcher to charge you more for less meat and save you the time of actually the making the pap.

Pap and Wors in a single Sausage
Innovation in Wors

The much maligned Braai Pack. Ended up buying 24 to make a case:

Meat Pack including beer
Deluxe Braai Pack

If you are serious about your BBQ, both Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson will tell you, nothing beats fresh ingredients. Just try to get your food preparation done before the guests arrive:

Man transporting cow on bike
Fresh Meat Delivery

Guests

Your friends, if they are real friends will not miss a BBQ for anything. In Africa, even if there is no space on the bus, they will make a plan:

Man travelling on back of Mini Bus in Africa
Get there, any which way

Many will even start celebrating your BBQ before they even get there:

Men in Boot Drinking Beer
Beer Boot?

Knowing there is a BBQ coming, many cannot wait and will stop for a snack on the way, the Drive Through saves time.

Man at fast fod drive through
Drive Through faster?

The BBQ – African Style

Finally, its BBQ time. You have to choose the right spot. ideally the closer to the pool the better:

BBQ in Swimming Pool
As close to the pool as possible!!

No need for bathroom visits, stay cool, perfect. Enjoy your BBQ, pretend you are in Africa.

For 5 minutes anyway, before the neighbours call the Council to complain and you get fined for breaking 15 different by laws from food safety to pool safety and you realise you are in this wonderful country called Australia.

What are your “innovative” BBQ plans for the weekend?

Funniest story this week….

This has to be one of the funniest stories I have read this week from the News – Tribue and sent in by a Kaksak reader (yes there are some, actually 3).

We at the Kaksak nearly fell off our chairs and Gazza nearly shat his pants, we were laughing so hard. Kind of thing that would happen to him.

Funniest Newspaper story
Accident prone individual - 3 times in 1 day

Its nearly the weekend. VB, Biltong and a late night of rugger. Cant wait.

Top one-liners

Some interesting thoughts to start yet another week:

  1. Don’t argue with an asshole. He  will drag you to his level and then beat you with experience
  2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question, “yes” is the answer
  3. These days, the pizza arrives before the police
  4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still an option
  5. If I agreed with you then we would both be wrong
  6. The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  7. The news reader always starts with “Good evening” when he already knows its not
  8. If God is watching, at least be entertaining
  9. If 3 out of 5 people are suffer from Diarrhea, are the others enjoying it
  10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive or dead, trying missing a couple of credit card payments
  11. I thought I wanted a job, turns out I really just wanted a paycheck
  12. Do not EVER, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
  13. Past a blonde with “Guess” on her T shirt. I said “implants”? She didn’t say a thing, just kicked me in the nuts
  14. My employment contract asked who should be notified in case of a medical emergency. I wrote “Doctor”, mum sure as hell is not going to be much use
  15. Shins are actually built-in furniture detectors for the dark
  16. The sole purpose of your middle name os so you know when you are in real trouble with your mother
  17. The smell to a midget in a crowded train is very different
  18. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose
  19. He who smiles in a crisis and appears calm, has found someone else to blame
  20. Never hit a man with glasses, rather hit him with a baseball bat
  21. Before you decide to fight fire with fire, remember firemen use water
  22. With enough thrust, pigs, can in fact fly
  23. Change is innevitable, other than from a vending machine
  24. Whoever said “quiet as a mouse”, has obviously never stepped on one
  25. You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do it you want to do it twice