Ready for kids test

13 simple tests to help you decide whether to have children:

1. Money

Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office

Go home.  Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time

2. Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits,tidying up, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers

3. Nighttime

Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at  midnight  and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

Set the alarm for 3am

As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea

Go to bed at 2.45am

Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off

Sing songs in the dark until 4am

Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off

Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

4. Dressing Small Children

Buy a live octopus and a string bag

Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out

Time Allowed: 5 minutes

5. Cars

Forget the BMW.  Buy a practical, ugly 5-door wagon with the worst sound system on the market and the skinniest tyres.

Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there

Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player

Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat, ensure some go into the cup holders and air con vents

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car

6. Going For a Walk

Wait

Go out the front door

Come back in again

Go out

Come back in again

Go out again

Walk down the front path

Walk back up it

Walk down it again

Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes

Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way

Retrace your steps

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you

Give up and go back into the house

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk

7. Repeat everything you say at least five times.

8. Grocery Shopping

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat

Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight

Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children

9. Feeding a one year-old

Hollow out a melon

Make a small hole in the side

Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane

Continue until half the cornflakes are gone

Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor

10. TV

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney

Watch nothing else on television for at least five years

11. Long Trips with Toddlers

Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ or “Daddy” or both, with “umm” in between repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy

Include occasional crescendo to 100db. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years at full volume.

12. Conversations

Start talking to an adult of your choice

Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. The run off randomly pretending to save a child from doing something dangerous, then resume the conversation where you left off after 15 minutes, every 5 minutes

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room, or at your BBQ

13. Getting ready for work

Pick a day on which you have an important meeting

Put on your finest work clothes

Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it, stir and dump half of it on your nice silk shirt and onto your Italian shoes

Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

Blow your nose and dab the contents of the tissue onto your shoulder and jacket collar

Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. Leave jacket and shoes

Do not change (you have no time)

Go directly to work

Congratulations! You are now ready to have children. Find more Australian Jokes here.