Category Archives: South African Humour

Kaksak HR

I went to HR to raise the following key issues with respect to my work environment and fellow workers. In Australia these are key HR issues we should all be concerned about:

  • Not having a support for my wrist, when using the computer mouse. I requested a $160 gel desktop wrist support to avoid injury immediately.
  • A lighter laptop, as carrying my 1,7kg laptop is just too heavy, so needed a 1,5kg laptop. Happy to carry a heavy bag on my back but only at training which is my time. Also my laptop was already 6 months old. Unacceptable.
  • No ergonomic set up of my screen, chair, desk and keyword at work, a disgrace!
  • Having to pay for my own cab home after attending free work dinner and drinks on a night I would have gone out on anyway. Outrageous.
  • Denying my expense claim for coffees because I was in Melbourne and not Sydney. I drink coffee in Sydney, but FFS had to go to Melbourne for work!
  • Not getting a raise and promotion every 6 months. I am awesome!

The struggle is real so I took these to Kaksak HR. This was the response:

Who gives a rats ass

 

I deserve better. Working for South African companies suck!

 

 

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!

* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

By accepting this message you agree to the following:

  1. The Kaksak recognises, acknowledges and respects the former owners of this browser impression being Google, but stuff them, we have you now!
  2. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, the responsibility of checking back for changes lies with you, the user.
  3. This message in no way encourages the consumption or use alcohol at any time and the Kaksak supports the responsible consumption of alcohol, especially if you are celebrating with your in-laws or on your own. If you are going to consume alcohol, this  should be done responsibly and in moderation, and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  4. This message does not encourage the consumption or over consumption of food, especially those that may be harmful to your health. You should consult a medical professional before consuming any foods outside of your regular diet. If you are a fat ass we cannot help that either. Eat less, shit more or burst!
  5. If as a result of reading this message you are encouraged to put up your Christmas Tree, the Kaksak accepts no related, ongoing liability related to the erection of the tree and associated decoration, no matter how bad they may be. Don’t be a tight ass, go buy new ones!
  6. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  7. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional.
  8. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  9. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  10. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  11. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak
  12. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted for injury that may or may no occur to the dog.
  13. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this limited liability blog post.
  14. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  15. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately
  16. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. Should you wish to make your experience carbon neutral, please donate $500 to the Kaksak and I will try and fart in a bottle for 24 hours.
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, Google compensation lawyers and see if one of them can read it to you.

Without prejudice

 

Happy to be South African

If you are happy being South African clap your hands, if you’re happy being South African clap your hands…. and know this. There is never a dull moment in Africa and here are the pictures to prove it from last weekend.

I left my mother in laws after Sunday breakfast, got back to the car and what do you find. A moerse Python in the engine keeping warm. No problem, you swing it by the tail over the fence and then lag as the neighbours all come climbing over the wall screaming.

python in engine compartment

 

 

 

Even the beggars are innovative in Africa. Checked this one on the way home. Slipped the brother R10 for effort alone! He said “it’s true boss they even handcuffed the cow and put it in the van” and I said Ja boet!

African man with sign

 

 

You get home and what do you fine? A hippo passed out on the patio. Blerrie drunk partying hippos. You don’t tolerate hangovers where I come from. So you gatskop the hippo until he goes back to the river and you tell him next time not to drink so much on a Saturday night.

drunk hippo on patio

 

 

Next you head down to the pool and kak, there is a giraffe having a goef. This is bullshit you scream, “kry die fok uit my swembad”  and again once the langnek is out you gatskop him back to the river, going past the hippo and giving him an extra one for good measure.

giraffe jumping out of pool

 

After all of that I head a headache. Where better to go than a NHS approved doctor who can sort out not only my headache but assist with salary increases, erections and many more ailments at a fraction of the cost.

witch doctor offices

 

There you go, you live in Africa you better have a sense of humour.

Finally drink driving is OK as long as its done right. You can never remember where you went or how you got there so the end result will be the same. Not to mention the invisible car…

drink driving ok

 

 

 

 

South African Innovation – How to queue

South Africans are highly innovative and this usually stems form the need to do the least with the most return, in fact doing nothing at all is actually good and if you can do less than nothing that is ideal. Just take the simple act of lining up. South Africans have excelled in recent years and have received numerous awards for their innovation in managing queues. From the Kaksak research laboratory, we found various cultures queuing in ther natural habitat and then have the vastly superior South African queue. You be the judge.

In America, queuing for the favourite national past time:

American fast food queue

 

 

In Britain we found the best queues at the airport, long lines of polite people I dare say all wanting to come to Australia:

British immigration queues

 

Outside the Kaksaks house this is usual scene 7 days a week:

kaksak-waiting-line

Meanwhile in Africa, this is how it is done:

South African innovation in queuing technology

 

So far this is working remarkably well, except for Kobus Vermaak who arrived at the Department of Public Works in Pretoria to renew the permit for his Venter trailer not wearing shoes. He passed out after 2 days of waiting and even tried using a koki pen to mark his feet and then imprint them on the plastic floor, but as the queue moved and he could not keep up with the rubbing out and the remarking. He passed out from hunger and dehydration, apparently calling for a boerewors roll and a spook & diesel repeatedly.

He was eventually resuscitated by Ms Treasure Tshabalala one of the clerks at Public Works trained in first aid. Some suspect Kobus was pretending to be passed out at one stage even though he was not really while getting mouth to mouth from Treasure, but some witnesses say Treasure was sitting on Kobus so he could not move even though he was awake. Anyway this is a matter for the courts now and Kobus  broken ribs are healing nicely. Kobus has since bought 4 more trailors and is now a regular at the Department of Public Works, sometimes passing out after only 1 hour…..

National Braai Day

Yes believe it or not Kaksakkers there is a national braai day. For those of you living away from the motherland, who are pissed off about the ref in the All Black rugby game 2 weeks ago, who think the Wallabies are going to get moered tonight and who love a braai, thisone is for you. Don’t get too emotional and patriotic, keep a steady hand and just remember Africa will always run deep in your veins, i.e. you can take an African out of Africa but never Africa out of an African, you will always remember having your bed made and laundry done every day, drinking Castle and eating boerie and tjops off a charcoal braai which magically cleaned itself and putting on the alarm every night and feeding the Rottweilers.

Go Bokke and here is the national braai video, officially endorsed by Jacob himself.

 

Valentines Day no nos

Things you should not be saying or don’t want to hear on Valentines Day:

  • Shall we split the bill?
  • I’m tired, I might head home
  • I’ve lost my keys
  • I think the batteries are flat…
  • Did you bring the beer?
  • It won’t start!
  • I have a headache
  • You have a headache?
  • I think I might puke!
  • There is something I have to tell you!
  • Reminds me of Chuck Norris
  • Anything to do with ex girlfriends or boyfriends
  • Looks like it fell out my wallet, maybe at your mom’s place?
  • Can I read you this poem I wrote for you
  • This is my friend Kylie, she is starting weight watchers and wanted to come to dinner with us
  • I will be there at 6 to serenade you
  • My parents aren’t going away any more
  • Remember that video we took..
  • There is something we have to talk about

So long suckers. Enjoy Valentines Day….