I went to HR to raise the following key issues with respect to my work environment and fellow workers. In Australia these are key HR issues we should all be concerned about:
- Not having a support for my wrist, when using the computer mouse. I requested a $160 gel desktop wrist support to avoid injury immediately.
- A lighter laptop, as carrying my 1,7kg laptop is just too heavy, so needed a 1,5kg laptop. Happy to carry a heavy bag on my back but only at training which is my time. Also my laptop was already 6 months old. Unacceptable.
- No ergonomic set up of my screen, chair, desk and keyword at work, a disgrace!
- Having to pay for my own cab home after attending free work dinner and drinks on a night I would have gone out on anyway. Outrageous.
- Denying my expense claim for coffees because I was in Melbourne and not Sydney. I drink coffee in Sydney, but FFS had to go to Melbourne for work!
- Not getting a raise and promotion every 6 months. I am awesome!
The struggle is real so I took these to Kaksak HR. This was the response:
I deserve better. Working for South African companies suck!
As you know, along with everyone else we don’t really look at any porn here at the Kaksak. The porn industry is a billion dollar industry watched by nobody. Nobody who will admit to it. If you are one of them this post is for you. See what happens as you watch more and more porn. Graphs are powered by Kaksak Research:
Similar thing happened to me in Penrith once at the leagues club. Managed to squeeze out of the ladies toilet window and escape in my ute just before it got ugly. Chick looked similar as well. Streuth!!
Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!
* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.
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If you are happy being South African clap your hands, if you’re happy being South African clap your hands…. and know this. There is never a dull moment in Africa and here are the pictures to prove it from last weekend.
I left my mother in laws after Sunday breakfast, got back to the car and what do you find. A moerse Python in the engine keeping warm. No problem, you swing it by the tail over the fence and then lag as the neighbours all come climbing over the wall screaming.
Even the beggars are innovative in Africa. Checked this one on the way home. Slipped the brother R10 for effort alone! He said “it’s true boss they even handcuffed the cow and put it in the van” and I said Ja boet!
You get home and what do you fine? A hippo passed out on the patio. Blerrie drunk partying hippos. You don’t tolerate hangovers where I come from. So you gatskop the hippo until he goes back to the river and you tell him next time not to drink so much on a Saturday night.
Next you head down to the pool and kak, there is a giraffe having a goef. This is bullshit you scream, “kry die fok uit my swembad” and again once the langnek is out you gatskop him back to the river, going past the hippo and giving him an extra one for good measure.
After all of that I head a headache. Where better to go than a NHS approved doctor who can sort out not only my headache but assist with salary increases, erections and many more ailments at a fraction of the cost.
There you go, you live in Africa you better have a sense of humour.
Finally drink driving is OK as long as its done right. You can never remember where you went or how you got there so the end result will be the same. Not to mention the invisible car…
South Africans are highly innovative and this usually stems form the need to do the least with the most return, in fact doing nothing at all is actually good and if you can do less than nothing that is ideal. Just take the simple act of lining up. South Africans have excelled in recent years and have received numerous awards for their innovation in managing queues. From the Kaksak research laboratory, we found various cultures queuing in ther natural habitat and then have the vastly superior South African queue. You be the judge.
In America, queuing for the favourite national past time:
In Britain we found the best queues at the airport, long lines of polite people I dare say all wanting to come to Australia:
Outside the Kaksaks house this is usual scene 7 days a week:
Meanwhile in Africa, this is how it is done:
So far this is working remarkably well, except for Kobus Vermaak who arrived at the Department of Public Works in Pretoria to renew the permit for his Venter trailer not wearing shoes. He passed out after 2 days of waiting and even tried using a koki pen to mark his feet and then imprint them on the plastic floor, but as the queue moved and he could not keep up with the rubbing out and the remarking. He passed out from hunger and dehydration, apparently calling for a boerewors roll and a spook & diesel repeatedly.
He was eventually resuscitated by Ms Treasure Tshabalala one of the clerks at Public Works trained in first aid. Some suspect Kobus was pretending to be passed out at one stage even though he was not really while getting mouth to mouth from Treasure, but some witnesses say Treasure was sitting on Kobus so he could not move even though he was awake. Anyway this is a matter for the courts now and Kobus broken ribs are healing nicely. Kobus has since bought 4 more trailors and is now a regular at the Department of Public Works, sometimes passing out after only 1 hour…..
Yes believe it or not Kaksakkers there is a national braai day. For those of you living away from the motherland, who are pissed off about the ref in the All Black rugby game 2 weeks ago, who think the Wallabies are going to get moered tonight and who love a braai, thisone is for you. Don’t get too emotional and patriotic, keep a steady hand and just remember Africa will always run deep in your veins, i.e. you can take an African out of Africa but never Africa out of an African, you will always remember having your bed made and laundry done every day, drinking Castle and eating boerie and tjops off a charcoal braai which magically cleaned itself and putting on the alarm every night and feeding the Rottweilers.
Go Bokke and here is the national braai video, officially endorsed by Jacob himself.
What’a in a name? You decide:
ah yes, my favourite the Captain. Love to be at roll call when this lot is called out. Used to think that the guy whose surname was Watt, was funny.
What’s your name son?
I said WHAT IS YOUR NAME
Huh and so on.
Well surprise, surprise, there are no surprises in Africa. Very similar to living in?Banks town?actually.
Things you should not be saying or don’t want to hear on Valentines Day:
- Shall we split the bill?
- I’m tired, I might head home
- I’ve lost my keys
- I think the batteries are flat…
- Did you bring the beer?
- It won’t start!
- I have a headache
- You have a headache?
- I think I might puke!
- There is something I have to tell you!
- Reminds me of Chuck Norris
- Anything to do with ex girlfriends or boyfriends
- Looks like it fell out my wallet, maybe at your mom’s place?
- Can I read you this poem I wrote for you
- This is my friend Kylie, she is starting weight watchers and wanted to come to dinner with us
- I will be there at 6 to serenade you
- My parents aren’t going away any more
- Remember that video we took..
- There is something we have to talk about
So long suckers. Enjoy Valentines Day….