Go Springboks

We are literally rooting for the Springbokke this afternoon. Gazza is lost as he is an Aussie, and hates both the Kiwi and South African teams and Kylie thinks rugby is something you do on the rug in front of the gas heater after a dinner at McDonalds and a action flick at the drive in. Thus the rooting. Anyway, back to the most important matter. RUGBY.

This game is going to be huge. Both these sides are at the top of their game, which depresses Gazza even more as the Wallabies are sort of at the bottom.  The All Blacks having lost to the Bokke in last years Tri Nations are playing at Eden park and the last time the Bokke won there was during the Rindepest in 1937.

Think they caught a boat there back then, no planes yet, it took 6 months to travel too and from, they had to carry 300 rugby balls as they kept on losing them over the side and the Super 10 as it was known then took 8 years to play, with many players retiring and some children of the players taking their positions for their final.

McCaw (All Black El Capitano) said Friday he wants to set the record straight, i.e. it is going to be ugly. They are doing the special throat/ cut,  buf#$k haka for the Bokke.

While there is new blood in the team, the old legends banana hands Burger, kakstripe Habana and that the 1 person I would not like to meet in a dark alley Victor Matfield are in. Notice I didn’t make fun of Mr Matfield. Apparently the reason he is always unshaven is due to the fact that they have not made a razor that can function properly at the altitude of his chin. Dr Smit is in charge and “little trucks” Botha will also be there to scare the All Blacks. Im am very happy to be on my couch with beer and not facing these angry men on a cold field with thousands of screaming, angry kiwis, who want to rip off their heads and kak into their lungs so they have permanent bad breath. And that is just the Kiwi chicks.

Rocococococo, Carter, Mealamu will be in the All Black side. I swear Mealamu does not feel pain. Once Chuck Norris round house kicked him and he didn’t realise at the time that was what had happened. He actually continued eating the sheep he found. It was only established years later by experiments on the international space station that there was a glitch in the global magnetic field emanating from New Zealand around that time and also explained the death of 3,000 sheep who were in a field close by and died from shock waves. Apparently Mealamu ate those too.

Ofcourse the national anthem will be sung, lets hope by some reasonably normal person who knows the words and then let the Kiwi ass kicking begin.

Good luck Bokke, don’t worry about the fact that you havent won there since 1937, I feel as if I havent been laid for that amount of time and I havent given up, yet…. There are always options. Good luck, Charles Glass here we come. Oh, and I managed to get some Biltong from the Springbok butchery in Lane Cove who make the best biltong in Africa Australia. Lots of boere there this morning actually, was a bit scary, I felt like I was in Bloemfontein. Where did they all come from? and what is Julia Gillard going to do about them, process them in Madagascar? Another story, another day.

Six tactics for the Bokke today, we at the Kaksak have decided to share, don’t thank us now, thank us later:

  1. When they start doing the Haka, start doing the “wax on, wax off” with your eyes closed looking like you are meditating. Carry on for 3 minutes after they have finished.
  2. When they have finished the Haka, step forward and ask them if they are going to do the Haka?
  3. Drop some skaap drolletjies into the scrum as you ‘engage”. They will start arguing about whose pocket they fell out of
  4. Hide the ball behind one of Bakkies’ ears and then run for the try line. Get Matfield to put Habana under his jersey so it looks like he is hiding the ball there and then get him to act suspiciously after a loose scrum, while Bakkies scores
  5. Keep on calling McCaw, McDonald, when he asks why, tell him the way they are pushing in the scrum you thought his team was a drive through
  6. Constantly tell them, “you know how I know you’re gay” one liners during the scrums and go for the penalty when they finally crack
  7. When the one liners are done, wait 2 scrums then ask if that is deodorant or marinade the forwards are wearing. This task should really be allocated to Matfield or Botha, or maybe Burger, but only because he does not feel pain
  8. Eat peri peri chicken and droe wors on the bus to the game and break wind continually in every lose scrum, until they refuse to put their heads in then change tactics
  9. If anyone punches you, ask them what they think their mother might be thinking of their behaviour, right then? Then say, don’t worry, Ill ask her myself tonight…
  10. When players are exchanged, ask them if they are leaving because they have to report to their parole officer?

Without further adoo, off to the beer fridge to start this rugby journey.

3 thoughts on “Go Springboks

  1. Lets be honest, I have had better Kak’s in the morning when rated against the Springbok performance last week. Going to fire it up with some extra hot Nando’s this week to ensure that doesn’t happen again!

  2. Thank you Mr Kaksak for a great post and analysis on the field. Just to correct your facts, the reason I always have growth is that I have not found a razor strong enough yet.

    We had a bit of a shitty game on Saturday, but I think getting there Tuesday was a really bad idea. Pieter is not quite up to speed with the whole jet lag thing.

    Anyway, the boys have eating raw meat the whole week and sleeping outside in the cold to harden up. Bakkies has been sleeping in, chowing down on McDonalds and generally being a pain in the ass as he effectively does not have a job for 9 weeks. I hear though they are making face moulds of the wing he headbutted by pouring plaster of paris into the divet from his face.

    Keep up the good work, you are one of the most talented writers on the web, the team looks forward to your posts every week and the ones we actually understand we find highly motivational.


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