Category Archives: South African Humour

Management Tips – Saying it like it is!

At the Kaksak we are always trying to help our readers, especially those wankers who drive BMW’s, have big offices and earn lots of money. From our years of research at large corporates and in the tradie workplace, we understand what corporate managers say, and what tradie supervisors say, and the difference is really only in the wording. Pretty much the same thing really, just different speak. We also usually try and avoid foul language here, but it just didn’t work on this one without. So if you are easily offended, get the fuck out now….

So as a corporate manager, we recommend you share this article via you social networks, the one your co workers have access to so they have understand exactly what you say and what you mean to say in your daily corporate life. Good luck.

 

1. What you say: Thats OK, you go home at 5pm. its important to have a good work life balance.

What you wanted to say: Does this look like a fucking holiday camp? Finish your shit and then I will decide whether you can go home!

2. What you say: Even though you missed that, I’m sure we can still get it done within the time and budget allocated, everything will be OK

What you meant to say: This whole thing is fucked because of you!

3. What you say: There are clearly some development areas we need to address, how about a training course?

What you meant to say: You have no fucking clue, do you!

4. What you say: She is such a go getter, we are lucky to have her

What you meant to say: She is a power crazy bitch, and hates us all.

5. What you say: Don’t worry I will look at it tonight, you go off home!

What you meant to say: When the fuck did you expect me to look at this? Tonight?

6. What you say: We can take that on board, I’m just not sure it is feasible in the current economic environment, but a very good idea non the less.

What you meant to say: Fuck off you idiot!

7. What you say: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

What you meant to say: Well fuck me with a telephone pole, with a garden fork strapped to the front!

8. What you say: That’s interesting!

What you meant to say: Fuck me….

9. What you say: I was actually not involved in that project and also on leave at the time….

What you meant to say: Not my fucking problem!

10. What you say: He is not up to speed with all the issues yet!

What you meant to say: His head is unusually far up his arse this time!

11. What you say: May you should check with…..

What you meant to say: You are mistaking me for someone who gives a shit….

12. What you say: We are on a tight schedule, lets see if we can fit that in

What you meant to say: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

13. What you say: Hey Bob,  can you pop over over here for a minute?

What you meant to say: Oi! Dick head

14. What you say: You’re pregnant? Thats so awesome for you and John. When is it due?

What you meant to say: We are fucked! Why did you get pregnant when you know how much shit we have to do. How much time have we got before its born?

15. What you say:No problem, I was going to be at home anyway…

What you meant to say: Who needs a fucking holiday?

 16. What you say: Oh your chair is not comfortable! Thats unacceptable, lets call HR immediately and find their ergonomic advisor
What you meant to say: Sit on the fucking floor then. When I was your age we sat on cardboard boxes!

17. What you say: We would never expect our people to work over time and not get paid!

What you meant to say: This bunch of lazy pricks couldn’t work any slower if they tried! Fuck that!

18. What you say: Lets give away a new iPhone to motivate our people!

What you meant to say: A good boot up the arse always motivated me, how about we try that…

19. What you say: Don’t worry, take it as a learning experience, our customers are all morons anyway

What you meant to say: You little shitbag! How dare you fuck up this business like that!

20. What you say: Thats OK, you can take 3 months off, we will find a temp and manage somehow. You go get that travel bug out your system and have fun!

What you meant to say: Have you lost your fucking mind?

 

Say no more…..

21km Half Marathon running tips

So the Kaksak did the Blackmores Half Marathon last week and it has taken me until now to get the feeling back in my legs to walk over the the computer to post. As a result I thought I would share some of Gazza’s and my running training learnings. BTW I did finish but ended up running the soles off my bata takkies and the more serious folk were not happy that I had some old Safari Suit shorts on a vest and I did it in just under 2 hours. Sweated out a case of Castle in the first 20 minutes and then a box of Benson & Hedges for about another 30 minutes. I was literally smokin…Anyway, I digress from this running story and the resulting tips.

Half Marathon Training Tips

1. Have a training plan. Our plan was to run, nothing really more than that. But given how sore my ass was this week, felt like I had been to Mardi Gras but that is another story, I would suggest you train, at least a little. Bupa, yes that health insurance company has an excellent training app for the iPhone. Follow this program as some of the other sucks ups I know did, and you will do the race easily. Allow at least 12 weeks minimum to train. ASICs also has a cool running site which sends you emails. we eventually marked them as spam.

2. Try not to get pissed or do stupid shit the day or night before. Instead, eat a bowl of pasta, red sauce or no sauce only, the night before and leave it as that. Save the Maccas and Kebabs for another day. Beers do not count as carbs, sorry.

3. Carry some energy gels. The kakker you feel, suck on a gel. The Kaksak, suggests running the first 5km at least gel free and then no more than 20 minutes between energy packs, but read the instructions on the pack and don’t be a dumbass. GU gels in the strawberry/ banana flavour are the best of a really kak bunch. Have a gel, followed by water each time.

4. Wear whatever you are going t o wear on a run beforehand. Dont try new stuff, especially shoes and avoid compression pants, unless you have a compression issue. Over 2 hours wear of compression stuff is not that good. You will feel it. We highly recommend Lululemon. Costs an arm and a leg but lasts, and is moer of a comfortable. No Lulu Lemon shops in Bankstown, we had to go into the city. Was worried one of the boys would see me in there, but the shop is hidden away in the Pitt Street mall and ask for Holly, she is awesome and will help youse out.

5. Don’t forget the sun screen, serious.

6. Get a spibelt. About 30 bucks from Rebel but worth every cent. Put you gels, your iPhone and any other kak in there. They sit well and can hold a lot. Don’t leave home without it when you are running.

7. If you sweat profusely, take a small face cloth with. Its light to carry and can help clear the sweat as you run. Trust us on this one. You may look like a chop but at least you wont feel like one, covered in sweat.

8. Nipple issues. Try the Blister Bomber. Dab some on before the race and you will have no chafing. I guess you could use it for chafing anywhere really, up yo you. Try supplyfitness.com.au, they sell it in Australia. When the website is working.

9. If you are going to buy a GPS watch, the Kaksak highly recommends the Garmin 610. This is way too expensive for Gazza and I. Costs about a weeks wages, but is really cool for running. Speed, time, heartbeat, configurable and touch screen.

10. Take a towel and fresh shirt for when you finish. There is nothing worse than hanging out in your smelly wet running shirt with sweaty chicks. Actually there is, its hanging out in Bankstown, but hey, still.

So thats it, take it from whence it comes. But the Kaksaks running tips are guaranteed. If you use these, and cant run, send all the gear to us and we guarantee we will use them and run the half marathon on your behalf. Especially the Garmin.

 

 

 

 

Tsotsi Terror – We want compensation

After reading this Gazza reckons he has had the same thing happen to him since Toula (his girlfriend) put on 45kg.  He has been reliving the same nightmare. He said this is caused directly by the carbon tax and now wants compensation. Gazza is going to check out his member on monday, excuse the pun.

The Unlucky Tsotsi

 

 

So, we the Kaksakke feel for you brother Isaac and hope you can fix this. Note this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Lucky Tsotsi in Darlinghurst. if they are watching, we still have not received our invites for free Castle, they must have got lost, please send more.

Enlarge the article, use Control and +. Only works on the article, nothing else…

 

The Olympics are done. What now?

Well the Kaksak has had a busy couple of weeks with the Olympics and all going on in London. We reckon the poms are going to go into a state of depression now that they no excuses for not working and have been able to do f#$# all for 2 weeks. Gazza and I decided maybe we could lobby for the next Olympics to be in Bankstown, but then after a couple of brainstorming beers, Toula klapped Kylie for not wanting to write the submission to the Bankstown Mayor, Gazza then dropped his lip with Kylie and stopped speaking, wouldn’t even ask for another beer so Tolla who is visiting from the farm klapped Gazza upside down for not telling him his toast was burning, so to the whole thing turning into a klapping olympics. snot klap, kop klap, gat klap I witnessed it all.

Anyway, not that the Olympics are done, this post is actually for the poms, 5 things you can do now that the Olympics are done:

  1. Try not to think about Penguins
  2. Try to swallow your tongue
  3. Act intelligent
  4. Pretend to be a leaf
  5. Beam yourself somewhere

OK, so now the Kaksak has wasted 30 seconds of your time, how about sharing some learnings from 2 weeks of lying on the couch watching Gazza drink VB after VB and smoke until late into the night on the kak Channel 9 coverage.

These are the 5 things we learnt, after 2 weeks of veging:

  1. White men can’t run
  2. Black men can’t swim
  3. Neither white men or black men can do synchronised swimming
  4. Stephanie Rice likes black men and white men
  5. Thanks f^$% for the sailors or our gold medal count would have been less than Lesotho’s

Given we have been sitting on our asses for 2 weeks, this is what Gazza got paid last week.

kaksak-payslip

So no VB, no rent and no nothing. OK, Lets watch Big Brother, probably know one of the housemates…

 

Life’s Great Conundrums

Some of Life’s great conundrums and questions we need to answer, this weekend! Happy Easter and hope the Easter bunny was kind:

  • Instant water. Just add water?
  • You drive 5 km in heavy traffic to the gym, to sit on a stationery bike
  • Where did Noah keep the woodpeckers?
  •  You have a doorbell but everyone texts or calls when they arrive
  • Before drawing boards were invented, what did corporate folk go back to?
  • If bikinis show 90% of the female body, why does everyone always look at the 10%?
  • Girls want to look sexy, but don’t really want to have sex?
  • When you call the bank you input your customer number, then they ask you for your customer number
  • The weather people can tell you sunrise to the minute in 5 years time but cannot tell you accurately if it will rain tommorrow
  • The problem with common sense being that it’s not really that common
  • If you go out with the intent to fail but succeed, what have you done?
  • Porn is a billion dollar industry nobody is watching
  • I saw a Prius with mag wheels
  • If you refuse to pay the exorcist would you get repossessed?
  • Why does sour cream have an expiry date?
  • Why did they call him the Lone Ranger, when he was always with Tonto?
  • How would you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • What women see in Russell Brand?
  • What women fail to see in the Kaksak