Category Archives: South African News

You need a plan to live in Australia

After reading John Raath’s post called “You need a plan to live in South Africa” we at the Kaksak thought about what sort of plan you may need to live in Australia, if you were a South African.

We think John has missed out all the countries that are in fact not worse than South Africa and in fact had only considered the countries worse than South Africa as movable options.

Secondly he mentions the things that are special like mountains and wine and people and as such insinuates that there are no other beautiful countries in the world.

John, we at the Kaksak think you need to get out more.

Having said that, we do love the motherland, Biltong and ofcourse the Springboks and watch in sadness at some of the issues consuming South Africa at this time.

So back to Aussie. If you are a South African immigrant, here are the things you need to plan for in Australia:

  1. There are better places to live than Australia, but not many. So make your plan to get a job, permanent residency and then ultimately to become a citizen.
  2. Start enjoying water in the morning, coffee costs $5, yes that is R50 a cup.
  3. Find a Government department you haven’t been getting freebies from, and jump on the bandwagon.
  4. The resources boom is over, only property continues to go up. If you don’t own property, buy some. Be the best investment you ever make.
  5. Keep your savings in Australia, they tax the shit out of you otherwise. Actually they tax the shit out of you anyway.
  6. Make a plan to deal with the fact that your children will support the Wallabies and speak with Australian accents when they grow up and refuse to be seen with you when you wear your springbok rugby jersey
  7. Whinge, because it is un Australian not too.
  8. Make sure you buy beer and lots of it. There is no greater crime than running out of beer especially in summer. Warm beer is just as ugly.
  9. Biltong will cost $60 per kilo. Deal with it!
  10. Have a big heart, share your beer, not your biltong.
  11. If none of this resonates, consider moving to Tasmania.

You can read the original article “You need a plan to live in South Africa” here.

 And aside from that, enjoy the wonderful people, countryside, snow, mountains, Great Barrier reef and all the other wonderful things Australia has to offer you and your family.

head-in-sand

Tsotsi Terror – We want compensation

After reading this Gazza reckons he has had the same thing happen to him since Toula (his girlfriend) put on 45kg.  He has been reliving the same nightmare. He said this is caused directly by the carbon tax and now wants compensation. Gazza is going to check out his member on monday, excuse the pun.

The Unlucky Tsotsi

 

 

So, we the Kaksakke feel for you brother Isaac and hope you can fix this. Note this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Lucky Tsotsi in Darlinghurst. if they are watching, we still have not received our invites for free Castle, they must have got lost, please send more.

Enlarge the article, use Control and +. Only works on the article, nothing else…

 

Luck Tsotsi Shebeen in Darlinghurst

Well it had to happen sooner or later, a Shebeen had to open in Darlinghurst, (245 Oxford Street) of all places? WTF? My recollection of the Shebeens in South Africa are somewhat hazy, both smoke and alcohol wise and I remember very big beers there. In fact if you drank anything that came in a container less than 1 litre you got automatically ejected via the rear entrance by your ear. I also remember the prices were fairly low, given they were mostly illegal. So Im assuming the Lucky Tsotsi is both illegal and cheap if it is to follow in the footsteps of its African predecessors’.

I also expecting to see a couple of Hiace’s parked outside in disrepair and plumes of zol smoke bellowing from the windows, loud music playing on a really bad sound system, corrugated iron and string holding the place together and finally I should also be somewhat fearlful for my safety if this to be a true Shebeen experience. OK, maybe I just visited the upmarket ones…

I spoke with Gazza, we reckon they will have gone soft. There will be no smoking, fancy beer in small bottles, outrageous prices and a bunch of well behaved yuppies eating peri peri   chicken and maybe a small, neat starter of bunny chow.  The peri peri is probably not even that hot? OK, we are excited and pre judging this place. But it is in Darlinghurst not Bankstown?

Anyway, about time we had a Shebeen in Sydney, but why not Kings Cross or Bankstown I dunno? Always looking for an excuse to visit the Cross. The girls are friendly and its a bit of a skande, but in some of the clubs they don’t wear much either, so its definitely more interesting than the Bankstown RSL. I digress. So looking forward to popping into the Shebeen sometime when I have managed to save up enough dollars for the train trip, and if this happens we will report back on our experience. Does a Castle Lager really cost 8 bucks there?

Back to the Lucky Tsotsi, whoever he is. I asked Gazza if he knew what a Tsotsi was and he thought I was saying Tot siens badly, even though he is an Aussie he has picked up some of “die taal” along the way. Anyway I reckon the Tsotsi can consider himself lucky to be in Sydney and even luckier that the Kaksak has discovered his existence, maybe.

Does this mean I have to put my bed on bricks now?

 

 

Nude Cleaning

That’s right, you heard it first you can hire a nude cleaner, accountant, or whatever. Just have to live in Africa that is all. Gazza has identified some drawbacks to this service and we suggest you always pay with a credit card and check the Terms and Conditions closely. He has only tried this one and for some reason now prefers fully clothed options.

Nude house cleaner

Equal opportunity prevails in Australia. To do this right we believe the services we would like naked cleaning extended to, include:

  • Jockeys
  • Politicians, if you want to ask a question in question time, you should do it au natural. No more live TV coverage
  • Anything to do with fitness trainers
  • Company receptionists, age limits may apply here
  • Eastern suburbs yoga classes (These probably exist already)
  • The dustbin men
  • Anyone who works in marketing
  • Anyone with modelling experience, doesn’t really matter what they do

Exemptions

  • Pensioners
  • Hairy tradies who work up ladders
  • Lebanese people (We dig you and live with you, just don’t work around naked)
  • Regular McDonalds eaters
  • Anyone who works in accounting, actuarial science or with computers

 

Top posts for 2012

As voted by Gazza, Toula and myself, these are the absolute top 10 posts based on visitor counts for 2011. So looking back the Kaksak has not been that active late in the year, for that we apologise and we will try to drink less beer, eat less boerie and be more diligent in 2012. So for what it is worth. The Kaksak top 10. Don’t split your sides laughing now….

  1. 10 funny facts about BMW Drivers, you need to know!
  2. Male fairy tale – say no more
  3. The legend of Bakkies Botha, similar to Chuck
  4. You know you are a South African boy when….
  5. RWC 2011 in New Zealand activities, typical
  6. Big Saturday night out in Sydney
  7. Natal curry contest, the real deal, not the mild stew we get in Australia. The real curry lives in Durban.
  8. Batman, and the Lord of the Ring. Say no more…
  9. Too scared not to put Chuck Norris in here.
    Even at #9 we are watching for the round house kick….
  10. The funniest test to see if you are ready for kids?

All the best for 2012,

The Real Kaksak

RWC Washup QF1

Well England have denied being on the field in the first half of the game but today CCTV confirmed in fact they were, with a mystery blond. Ball errors galore, opportunities wasted, the French, all credit to them, ignored the white jerseys, did not surrender and manager to score 2 croissants and a french loaf, convincingly beating the poms, also with a 59kg lighter pack. WTF? Martin Johnson ain’t happy. He said. “Lads,  I find this whole affair terribly disappointing” or something to that effect. The French celebrated in style with wine, cheese, escargot and some other things the Kaksak cannot print here.

As for Wales, what a team. “Oiland, Oiland” proudly sung by the fat spectators in green drinking draft by the litre quickly turned to wails in the first half when they realised that being Irish just ain’t enough, and boy are they regretting beating our treasured Wallabies. Could have had an easy game against the Bokke. The Irish team weren’t too fussed, this means an extra week in the pub.

Looking forward to the Wallabokke this afternoon. I was tipping the Wallabies but the weather could change this affecting their running game. The Bok pack is pretty solid despite our man Bakkies missing.

The Sangoma has revised his game predictions. Wales are in with a chance. No Irish were harmed in the making of this blogpost, so dont send us stupid emails to complain. We will delete them….

Can you speak South African?

Can you speak South African? After this weekend you might want to learn. On Sunday the mighty Bokke play the footloose Wallabies in what could be a RWC final game if the Wallabies hadn’t screwed up and lost to Ireland. The Kaksak thought it a good idea to educate you all on speaking South African in Advance of Rugby World Cup world domination…

  • You call a traffic light a “robot”.
  • You call an elevator a “lift”
  • You call the front of the car a “bonnet”
  • You call the back of the car a “boot”
  • You call a ute a “bakkie”
  • You say something is nice when it is “mooi” or you “smaaked it”
  • You call your brother “broer”
  • You call a barbeque a “braai”
  • You call your friends “China’s”
  •  “Safe” is a way of responding to a greeting
  • You can refer to talking as “tuning”
  • The word “skaap” is also a term of endearment
  • You can say “Howzit” instead of “Hi, how are you going?”
  • You call shit “kak”
  • When you threaten someone you say you will either “moer” or “bliksem” them
  • You refer to a bunch or group as a “klomp”
  • You say throw as “gooi”
  • You say “just now” in stead of I really don’t give a shit but sometime in the future
  • You refer to rugby as “THE game”
  • Another word for turd is “drol”
Try mixing and matching.
  • For an All Black fan you might say – Don’t tune me grief, jou drol your team is kak.
  • To a Wallaby fan, after Saturdays game you might say – Don’t worry China, Ill have you over for a braai sometime.
  • To an English fan you might say – Hey skaap, put you kak in your boot, don’t stop at any robots and go back to England…..
  • To a South African fan you might say – Howzit broer, I smaaked the game.
  • To a Irish fan you might say – You klomp drolle, us is going to moer you. In fact we will bliksem you and your team for beating the Wallabies and screwing up the entire Wold Cup..
Good luck with your new found wisdom but use it wisely.