Category Archives: South African News

The Bokke Celebrate

The Bokke are befok, they beat their near neighbours, the Namibians by a shitload. Yes truly.

The camp was so happy, some high antics were enjoyed. Unfortunately for you the X Factor TV series was filming nearby, when they heard the Bokke celebrating. They asked what X Factor the Bok team had, this was what they came up with, their new secret weapon, a winger to replace Habana called “The Boknaai”. He is not that fast, but almost impossible to stop and once dragged 23 men over the try line with him. The entire opposing team, 6 of his own players, the ref, a linesmen and a streaker who was as they as in the wrong place at the wrong time. From his own 22 to the try line it took 12 minutes. Unfortunately he is also renowned  for back chatting the TMO and usually gets a lot of yellow cards.

The Boknaai will probably make his debut in the quarters or finals. watch out for this fine rugby player. Pieter de Villiers had some anoying comment but we cannot remember it now.

 

The Bokke X Factor

Awesome, cant wait to the see him in action. The disguise was required to save The Boknaai from further public scrutiny.

 

Help for Immigrants -Living in Australia

If you have recently moved from the South African platteland to Australia, you need help. The Kaksak is here to help immigrants, help you not get moered when you open you mouth for the first time on a Sydney street. Here we go:

Mate: Pronounced “meid”. This is not the lady who helps you clean the house and “shien jou in die gurajsh” is not appropriate. Use the word mate in the following context. “Does you watch rugby, mate?” If the answer is no, refer to “Ferry” below.

Root: Be very careful with this one, especially when in the presence of ladies. Saying something like “I’m looking for an alternate root” may get you a snot klap or lucky. Up to you to find out. A hint, root does not relate to directions and rooting is perfectly fine adjective to use in Australia.

Thong: Pronounced “fong” is not the local Chinese. Thong is a shoe, not a G String. So when you walk into the RSL and it says no thongs, don’t get excited this just means no slip slops. If the sign says casual wear, this also generally means, wear fongs. So when  you go to buy slip slops you can open with “I is looking for fongs” and be comfortable you will be shown the most popular and contemporary footwear in Australia.

Kaksak: A very sophisticated blog for South Africans living in Australia, not a shit bag. Using the word Kaksak in Australia will help build your networks and wine you lots of friends of the opposite sex. An opening line when you meet other South Africans might be “I was reading the Kaksak recently and see….”

Just now: Just say “See ya later”, you can also ad mate on the end, “See ya later mate”. Same difference. So when you buy a can of coke at a road side stall in Dubbo you can say “See ya later, mate” and leave with a clear conscience knowing you will never see that individual again, and they have considered you a “mate” for the 3 minutes of their life they wasted interacting with you.

A site for sore eyes: Tell Riaan the Kaksak sent you.

Boerewors Droe Wors Biltong

Bledisloe: Pronounced “Bleddie Slow” relates nothing to speed but is a game played between Australia and New Zealand and has nothing to do with the speed people drive on the high ways here, which is blerry slow…

Ferry: Pronounced Fairie. This is a boat. Full stop. Just don’t say, for example “Im going to catch a ride on a ferry tonight!”

The Labour party: Boknaaiers, nothing more to say here. Have you seen their carbon tax yet?

 

World Cup Springbok Rugby Jersey

The Bokke have just released their new Springbok Rugby jersey for the 2011 Rugby World Cup. There was mixed reaction from the team with the front rowers and the back line players divided.

The front rowers think this will be hugely useful everytime there is a scrum (Think flash cards) and the wings and centres believe the jersey will be hugely useful out late at night in the pubs of New Zealand.

You decide:

 

Crouch Touch Pause Engage Jerseys
Wold Cup Springbok Rugby Jersey

 

Read our Rugby World Cup 2011 Analysis here..

What is na pohybel janas

No idea…

Gazza reckons its the Russians and their bot nets which are getting infected machines to query the term “na pohybel janas” on search engines so that it becomes a most searched term, then to judge the response of not only the general public but also the FBI, CIA and any other agencies that may be watching and see what their response is. As a large experiment, if they can look at the users across the web and the interest it generates they can create better spam and defraud more innocent individuals out of their hard earned cash.

So if your machine is randomly searching na pohybel janas then get your virus checker updated, scan your entire hard drive and if it is still doing it, buy a Mac. If your Mac does it then throw away your mobile phone, shut down your Internet connection and go “off the grid” because Janas just might be coming to get you.

Toula says its actually a new hairstyle she saw in Bankstown last week which requires a perm treatment combined with straightener, dye and some trimming. Just say it fast, like I want the na pohybel janas please.

So the next time you see a search geek walking down the street, look him in the eye and say NA POHYBEL JANAS! and you will very quickly smell the fear…

OK, but we do have the best stories here.

Latest South African Nokia Phone

The Kaksak will keep you up to date with not only South African humour bit also the latest gizmos and gadgets.

Below is the latest mobile phone for the Johannesburg cell phone market called the (Call and Shoot). Clever integration of cell phone and 9mm pistol into a single device.

The phone also has hands free so you can still stay on the call while shooting, allowing the person you have called to be part of the action, or alternatively if you are speaking to your mother in law for example there is also a call hold feature which features relaxing music from the Klaxtons, that leading South African band of the 80’s while having your gunfight. The phone is also shock proof allowing several magazines to be fired in succession with little vibration to the phone itself. This is also important from the perspective of the user dropping the phone for whatever reason (We are not suggesting users will get shot in any way). The phone also has USB plug & Play for PC or MAC to upload or donwload contacts etc and as such can also be used with the Playstation 2 and X Box, but there are several warnings about using it this way after a couple of flat screens got shot.

Awesome device, but be careful and above all, the Kaksak suggests not buying this if you get easily confused.

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In the R4000 mobile phone plan you get:

  • Unlimited texting
  • Up to $1,000 cap
  • 100 9mm high impact rounds (Copper jackets) and 10 9mm dum dums (scary bullets)
  • Training course (free). This is now mandatory after Klippies Odendaal shot his best mate while texting his wife to pick up more Klipdrift on her way home.
  • User manual (see below)

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Picture of the Call and Shoot:

gun-mobile-phone-combo

User Manual – Contents

  1. How to turn your phone on and off  without injury (to yourself or others)
  2. Reloading – Sim card v Magazine, which goes where?
  3. The Safety Catch – What you need to know
  4. Where to point while Dialing and Texting
  5. Where to Speak while Shooting
  6. Avoiding Head Wounds when Answering on the run
  7. Why User Training is so important – Case studies
  8. Use tips – Avoiding liability, Flesh v head wounds, When to shoot first and call later, Reasons not to use the built in alarm clock and so on…

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Benefits for the Call and Shoot Phone

  • When you get hijacked you only need to hand over 1 item rather than your phone and your gun
  • No need to buy those dorky belt phone holders, just use a shoulder holster for gun and phone
  • Be creative to get your gun/ phone back in tricky situations, like telling home invaders you need to call to get the safe combination, get your gun back and regain control
  • Good conversation starter, especially in business meetings . Works even better if the meeting is a negotiation…
  • RESPECT, in Western Sydney anyway

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Warnings:

  • Do not use, especially answering when intoxicated
  • Turn the phone off when at the shooting range, or even just shooting at Klipdrift bottles on the farm
  • If you are having marital difficulties we recommend using a normal phone until these are sorted out
  • Do not lend to your teenage son or daughter

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During our review, Clifford who did the review,  once raised the gun to his head instead of answering the phone and on 2 occasions tried to answer the phone instead of pointing it at the hijackers approaching his Toyota Yaris. No harm was done to Clifford or to any hijackers (who turned out not to be hijackers in both cases, Clifford is paranoid). Clifford felt the phone performed best at the Sunday afternoon braai, but advised putting it away early, as after a couple of beers someone always wants to shoot something, which is not good in the semi peaceful suburb of Randburg with many other gun owners in the neighbourhood.

Clifford also had some awkward situations like when he went in to buy ciggies, took a call and the shop keeper gave him all the money out the till, also during a random breath test on the Freeway and then when he was wondering around his garden on the phone and the next minute had the cops and his security company charge into his yard guns drawn and then didn’t want to drop the gun because he was talking to his boss.

Weigh up the pros and cons before you buy this baby….

Merry Christmas from the African Australian

Boys and Girls we hope you have been good this year and if not good, good at whatever it was you were trying to do and remember there is always next year to promise to be good and achieve nothing. So be all you can be, Merry Christmas and we hope Santa wasn’t watching.

Santa shitting down chimney

Remember what is Christmas is really about. And its not just the kids, turkey and presents in abundance. Will leave you to work that one out. Have a good one.