The Vuvuzela, all you need to know and how to play one

The low down on the Vuvuzela, How to play it, the history, warnings and more:

1. Vuvuzela history

The Vuvuzela or stadium horn was first heard across the plains of Africa when 4 bushmen started kicking around a tumbleweed. The 5th bushmen, not having great ballsense, and enraged that the hunt had been interrupted by a senseless game when his family were hungry grabbed the nearest Meerkat, ripped its mouth open, pursed his lips and blew as hard as he could up its arse. The Vuvuzela was born.

We see the modern day version shown below….

Red Vuvuzela

2. Vuvuzela facts:

  • The sound from the horn is 131dB(A)  and around 113dB(A) around 2m in front of the horn. 30,000 of them blown simultaneously can be heard faintly in outer space.
  • The sound has been compared to stampeding elephants, pissed off locusts or a heard of buffalo, all  running through your bathroom at 3am
  • If you cannot blow a Vuvuzela, it generally sounds like a sick warthog farting
  • Vuvuzela’s are great for spreading germs like colds and flu, even better than sneezing and shouting
  • If a Vuvuzela is played next to you unexpectedly, there is statistically a 94.6% change you will kak in your pants. This rises to 99.4% if you are not at a soccer match and death may occur if you were alone in the middle of the Kalahari or in a sound proof chamber
  • Do not by any means, no matter how pissed you are, think it is a good idea to try and blow it out of any other bodily orifice no matter how funny you think this might be at the time
  • After the game, you can use the Vuvuzela as a beer funnel. You can also stick the small end in the ground and piss into the other end, no one will ever know, just be sure not to use it again without washing, unless you have to prove to the cops you were not pissing in public. Anything toilet use, not recommended.

3. How to blow a Vuvuzela

To get the perfect sound out of the Vuvuzela the following instructions are given. We note these are aftermarket instructions and not those which are provided in the box the Vuvuzela is packaged in:

1. Firstly, get a Vuvuzela, most street vendors will sell these to you cheaply

2. Go to a soccer match or similar

3. Light up your bong and have a few drags and then suck in for around 20 seconds

4. Immediately down a quart of beer, preferably Castle Lager

5. Wait for 1 minute, this is to allow you to cough your lungs out or alternately puke, which is definitely not something that should occur when blowing into the Vuvuzela

6. Purse your lips, do not wrap your lips around it or put it in your mouth, purse your lips and make a farting noise, i.e. vibrate your lips

7. The Vuvuzela should then play beautifully, its one and only low monotone note. If you get really good you can inhale either though your nose or your arse and continue blowing out your mouth. The chances of getting moered by those around you increases dramatically if you can do this.

8. Finish blowing and look around proudly

Warning: Let your lips finish vibrating before having another suck on the bong, many shirts and jeans have been burnt this way and beer sprayed over the spectators in front which has resulted in the aforesaid moering for different reasons.

As a South African you can be proud you reign from the land that created the Vuvuzela and realise that sport and the human race is in deep shit as these will now spread around the world surfacing at every major sporting event for generations to come.

Get me outta here, I want more South African laughs