Tag Archives: Australian

Top 10 Out of office suggestions for holidays

So it is nearly the Christmas holidays, lots of sunshine, Jack Daniels and hangovers. But do not forget the out of office reply on your email. Chances are, given the Australian economy your company is making you take additional leave, so make sure you get this right and are remembered appropriately. Here are the top 10 kaksak recommended out of office email replies for December 2013-January 2014 holidays:

 

  1. Our email server was unable to verify your IP address and the security of the sending domain. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message. Alternatively contact your IT department with this message.
  2. Thanks for your email. Given recent retrenchments and redundancies I now do the jobs of 3 FTE’s so you you can expect a response in around 23 weeks time
  3. Given your recent online activity your emails and Internet traffic are now being monitored as part of a Government crackdown on beastiality porn websites. Please contact us at porn-info@asio.gov.au at your earliest convenience for a full browser and hard drive scan and to arrange an interview.
  4. START:NSA-Intercept-154632/23-3 date 193.42.80.01/advanced-suspect-surveillance:END
  5. You have mistaken the recipient of this email for someone who gives a shit. Please resend to a more appropriate person
  6. I have taken stress leave from this f%#cked up hellhole of a joint. Your emails are only serving to push me closer to the edge and should I harm myself this will be as a direct result of you sending this email. All emails are being copied to my lawyers who continue to build a case against all involved given the pending potential for self harm and the claims that will follow
  7. Hello, Im not wearing any underwear….
  8. Congratulations. You have been selected to win an iPad worth over$5,000. To claim your iPad please visit www.lowiq.ru and pay the small processing fee to our Paypal account in Belarus and your iPad will be shipped immediately.
  9. I have run away to join a different circus
  10. I will be out of the office from the 15 December to 12 January 2014 whereupon I will promptly delete all your emails. Please resend anytime after the 13th January.

 

and the best one of all:

Your fearless customer service representative is out and you are at the mercy of his henchmen. These henchmen have been carefully selected and  instructed to respond to your queries in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner you are accustomed to, if at all.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

Misogynist – The full Definition

So Julia Gillard has said Tony Abbott is a misogynist. We at the Kaksak said WTF is a misogynist?

We also said, why is our esteemed prime minister worrying about what Tony Abbott is or isn’t when there are boat loads of people smugglers arriving every second day and this was a model due to be smashed when she became PM. What is she doing about the economy? The increasing job losses, reducing company profits, dropping iron ore prices, increasing Government debt? The to top it all off, a labour function making sexist jokes. We at the Kaksak, being the voice of the people of Bankstown say Seriously???

All we hear is rhetoric: “we are not only talking about it, but getting on with the job” they say.

We say bullshit. If you are as you say getting on with the job, you are doing it both badly and slowly.  Also the talking about is we think is actually driving more greenhouse gas, given the amount of talk and the amount of action.

So please can you politicians pull your heads out of your asses, don’t worry about misogynists, only the yanks really seem to give a shit anyway and they are full of it anyway. Go Mitt!! Actually Gazza looked up the meaning of misogynist. No, actually he tried to work it out himself, it is apparently a Japanese soup made in the mist?

So please Australian Government, the hard working people of Bankstown are asking you to do your jobs instead of sitting around arguing about crap. Get some things done that will make this country great, drop the red tape, get people working and stop bogging down business with tax and over protective regulation to the point where people are not even responsible for themselves!!!

Rudd v Gillard and who will win

Wow, when Pik Botha and PW Botha were in charge there was none of this kak. Now unless you are a back stabbing whinger with high self interest you cannot hack it in politics.

Anyway, the Kaksak in the interest of public policy thought we should consult the Sangoma on who might be victorious on Monday. Basically, either way Julia is rooted and we don’t mean by the First Bloke either… So this is exactly what the Sangoma saw in his (Made in China) bones.

If Julia wins, her approval rating will drop below 15% which is the death knell and most likely Steven Smith will take over within 3 months anyway. If Julia loses she will be on the backbench and most likely out of a job in 3 months. Read on.

If Kev wins he will be PM and put Julia on the back bench. If Kev loses he will become an independent and take the Government to an election anyway. He is popular in his seat in Queensland, so he would retain it and his job and live out the the rest of his days in a chilled state. He has enough frequent flyer miles now to continue travelling, but is actually pretty gatvol after travelleing so much at the Kaksaks hard earned tax dollars.

Only drama might be if Kev wins and the independents do something silly, but why would they, they still have 18 months of the gravy train left.

Basically Julia can only come out of this badly. As for Wayne Swan it will probably be worse, but then as a short bloke he should be used to this kind of shit.

So the Kaksak is watching with interest to see who will prevail.  Being completely independent we have decided to share would we believe would be suitable punishments for both Kev and Ms Gillard if the other wins:

Anyway, here goes:

What Kev will do:

  1. Only allow side profile head shots of back bench parliamentarians going forward
  2. Institute a parliamentary swimsuit calendar compulsory for backbenchers for 2012. Julia will be Miss March and be featured with a large knife strategically placed
  3. Enforce the saying or prayers in parliament, to be lead each day by Julia
  4. Make her share an office with Bob Katter and Andrew Wilkie
  5. Double the allowances for MP’s with children

What Julia will do:

  1. Make Kevin pay for his own dam flights
  2. Only allow him to speak in parliament on one condition, if he promises not to use the words “and let me say this”
  3. Ambassador in Baghdad, effective immediately
  4. Make him share an office with Oakshott and Windsor
  5. Actually none of the above, if he goes, so will she….
What the Kaksak says. Kev, you have the balls to stand up and try and take back what was yours, good on you, you deserve to be PM for giving it a go. We support you. Right after Tony Abbott.

 

 

Harbour Bridge protest – Sydney

Reading about Mick, the father who protested on the harbour bridge, and the fact that his he ex military, looks mean and is built like a brick shithouse, as we have decided to say is “Good on ya Mick”

You just put us (Me & Gazza) in an awkward situation with the harbour bridge protest thing. Friday we headed in early to leave early, just before we walked into work we saw the traffic was rooted, so we headed to Bondi to check for sunbathing chicks and get a bite. I texted my boss at 10:00 to say the traffic was still rooted and we were trying to get there, seriously, only to find out you had cleared off at 7:22. Mate, next time they say the bridge is going to be closed for the foreseebale future, please take some saamies (Sandwiches) and stay there for the day. 2 hours ain’t a protest, its breakfast. We got kakked on big time by the time we got back to work.

Now I also read you plan to do this again. Excellent, but can you give us warning and please get a Twitter feed or similar so we can check when you have decided to stop and we can manage our day off a little better.

Also hope you get the kid issues sorted out. My brother in law is usually looking for ways to get away from the kids, but hey.

 

 

Sydney Bicycle Pathways – Kaksak Perspective

Initially I thought a whole lot of bicycles had been murdered, then I thought maybe they were trying to reduce the population of Sydney by letting them think they were on a cycleway when actually they were on a highly trafficked road, just as dangerous as it was before, but now with while bikes painted on it. A false sense of security so to speak, see pic below. WTF?

Sydney-bicycle-pathways

Now Ive realised the local councils haven’t got a clue, are copying each other and trying to convince us there are bicycle paths through our suburbs. Guys, these roads were dangerous before, a bicycle painted on the road is not going to change anything and I’m sure I could make up a path to ride less dangerous, without your help. So we look forward to more money being wasted in the months to come when all these little white bikes have to be removed, after someone gets run over or runs into the back of a car and sues the local council.

I asked Gazza what he thought and he said he thought the bicycles were secret messages outside houses where people with bicycles live. He said he read something similar about free wifi spots, where they mark the houses. I asked Toula what she thought and she said she thought it  showed where a bicycle had been stolen and was shocked by how many had gone missing in recent months. She thinks Joolya has gone soft on crime.

I say put them on the pavements and let the cyclists fight it out with the pedestrians, more fun to watch and more fair. Hitting a cyclist with a ton of steel just ain’t fair.

What do you think? How arbitrary is this plan?

Who will win 2010 Melbourne Cup

Well, you’ve come to the right place. All the Melbourne cup 2010 winners here and how we calculate them. Read this, then prepare for 3pm Tuesday the 2nd November Flemington racecourse and how to spend your winnings. Really…

Us at the Kaksak offices are not wealthy enough to fly to Melbourne for the event and haven’t got poncy suits or check-you, check-me-back sunglasses, so we will most likely bet at the Penrith Panthers watching on the big screen and eating all we can eat at the Bistro.

We also have experience at picking winners. This is a picture of our prediction for the Melbourne Cup 2009. Not sure how we got it so wrong but we chowed bread for 6 weeks, Gazza said it was a sure thing. Also had to duck and dive much of the local community who we had also given the tip to.

Our last years Melboure Cup pick
2009 Kaksak Melbourne Cup Prediction

We are determined like the CBA to be deifferent this year and win our money back and more, and redeem ourselves in the community. This had nothing to do with why we moved from Penrith to Bankstown, that is another story.

Firstly our methodology involved looking at the horses in the top half of the odds. The horses with long odds are unlikely to won, but a favourite of horse with semi decent odds must stand a chance right? The average odds over the last 20 years per Betfair are $14.8 with the highest being $48 and the lowest $3.50. In the 20 years only 3 horses were over $20 and 11 horses over $10, so looking at the top half of the horses running is valid. Step 1.

With this in mind we reviewed all the horses and their odds. The average odds for a win is $120 and we assume the horse to win must be better than average. Looking at all the horses with lower odds leaves us with a  shortlist of 33 based on odds as at 29th October the following per Centrebet.

The we eliminated foreign horses as it is unlikely a foreign horse will take home the prize. Just saying, that all, That leaves 24 horses of the 33 still to bet on. Step 2.

We then eliminated the horses that ran in the Caufield Cup, sort of. This is becoming a mission now and we are drinking beer. Gazza is also pretty kak on Excel and just deleted a column by mistake so not sure were this will end up, but I feel it is the Kaksaks destiny to see the future and to see who will win the Melbourne Cup. We now have 19 horses left.

We then eliminated the horses with ran in the Lexus Stakes as we reckon they would be too tired and probably stiff come Tuesday. This left 10, as only Shocking ran in the Lexus Stakes. Not on his own, but I mean of the group running in the Melbourne Cup. Step 3.

We are now getting to the pointy end. We now eliminated horses with names of ex girlfriends, assholes we know of just generally people who give us the shits. This left 11 horses. Step 4.

Kylie then call the Physic line and paid $5.50 for 5 minutes which actually helped us f…all, but when she sold it to us it seemed like a great idea. Jut those automated systems can’t take questions. So we then held hands and tried to visualise the winner, I had a great vision, reconstructed below especially for readers.

Visualising the Melbourne Cup winner in our minds

Just before I could check the winning horse number Gazza farted and after that all we could visualise was turds. Think Paulie’s one eyebrow actually started smoldering it was so foul. That Kentucky can really build up the gases. But we at the kaksak don’t give up easy when it comes to helping readers know who will win the Melbourne Cup. So after airing the room, getting our horse thoughts together and looking at pictures of Toula, Gazza’s ex who looks like a horse we were back.

The trainers then with the most wins are Bart Cummings, obviously, Etienne de Mestre, and Lee Freedman. Of the 11 horses remaining the following were trained by one of these men (Step 5):

  • So you Think (Bart) and odds $4.40
  • Above Average (Freedman) and odds of $151 – we included anyway
  • Dariana (Bart)  and odds of $34
  • Precedence (Bart) and odds of $16
  • Faint Perfume (Bart) and odds of $35

Based on this racing science we reckon the following:

Top 3 horses will be :

  1. Precedence
  2. Above Average
  3. So you Think

You might also just want to pick a name you think is cool and put your hard earned cash on that, the chances of winning are actually probably higher. But if you do win, remember where you heard it first and out commission rate is a mere 50% of winnings less the original bet. You go girls…

The Prawn and the Shark Story

Appologies in advance for this one….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian

The prawns were constantly being threatened by sharks

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being
eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his
old pal

‘Where’s Christian?’ he asked

“He’s at home.”
He set off to Christian’s abode

He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.’

Christian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the
enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve
changed.’………

‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian’