Tag Archives: Australian

Rat

I smell a rat in our current parliamentary system, when it comes to the speaker. The Kaksak has found it and intend to deliver it. Just deciding where to, Alan Jones for comment or direct to  the lodge, now that Julia has moved in. Help us decide….

Very large rat
Now thats what I call a rat

Julia Gillard | Changes coming thick and fast

We have a new PM, a woman as well, first time ever and a Leftie at that. Or so Ive heard down at the pub, which is full of Westie Lefties, so they should know. I know this also because they are never at work, think the pub should provide free beer as well as health insurance and are outraged by how little beer they can buy with their dole money.

The boys club in Canberra must also be kaking themselves, the changes have started in earnest, and Im not talking policy here. On her first day in the job, Sky News was reporting SIGNIFICANT and UNEXPECTED change in Canberra, both within Parliament and outside. Such big news, the Kaksak went to investigate:

The traditional greeting of a handshake between Prime Minister and Opposition Leader has been a handshake for over 200 years, was changed as Parliament resumed this morning.Below is a re-enactment of Julia greeting Tony outside parliament house. (Warning, do not try this at home). Julia later said during question time that PMS was not a factor and this is how she greets all the men in her life who she really respects.

Julia Gillard greeting Tony Abbott

In the afternoon session when Tony Abbot got up to speak, the Speaker, or Mr Speaker as he affectionately called stopped proceedings thinking there was a mouse loose in the house, but then realised it was Tony Abbot starting question time.

MasterChef, a favourite amongst politicians had their new posters up all over the place.

New Masterchef outfits

Julia also this afternoon made a couple of calls to her old mates who did the school reno’s, got them to Canberra quick smart and $4million later the toilet in Kevin Rudd’s old office was more to her liking.

Toilet seatc chained doan

We all know of the so called Canberra mile. More porn than the rest of Australia combined. Same stuff different night in Canberra last night, with some subtle changes. That is not Kim Beasley on the table in case you were wondering, he is the US Ambassador. it is John Faulkner, his new job as a result of Rudd support. Stephen Conroy is out of view collecting empty glasses.

New Canberra Entertainment

Finally, late this afternoon the Brumbies got to show off their new uniforms for next season.

New Canberra Raiders outfits

Last we heard was that the cabinet was off to see “Sex and the City” tonight and then early to bed with a slab of chocolate and some nice herbal tea.

Its been a long day

This pretty much sums up what you feel like after a night in the cross. In fact a lot of Australia wake up like this every morning.

Kings Cross Hangover

Think some of the chicks in the pub actually looked similar as well, from the last time I saw Gazza. Should I be worried, havent seen him since, but then he did say he was going straight to see Jessica Watson arrive. I must say, good on her for sailing all that way. Congratulations.

The Motorbike and the Ute

You will not fokken believe what happened last night. Gazza is not that bright and should not be left on his own, especially when any thinking is required. I could just kak thinking about it. Spent most of my night at the hospital. Nurses are not as good looking as they are in the girlie magazines, was very surprised to see this. But I digress.

Gazza drives an old Kawasaki 750 and was on his way home from work sort of, when the bike broke down. This has happened before and is normally not an issue, but this time he was in Marrickville, renowned for Bike theft and a certain topless pub on Old Canterbury road. Gazza denies he was there and says the coaster in his pocket from this particular bar was put there by the hospital staff. Go figure…

Anyways, Gazza calls Kylie, his chick to bring the cousins ute and fetch him, because Gazza was shit scared that his bike was going to be on bricks or completely gone by morning.

What happened then you will not believe, just like I didn’t believe Darth Vader was living in Bankstown until I saw him at  McDonalds one Saturday night.

Kylie arrives and Gazza being the intellectual giant he is quickly figures out that skinny Aussie and fat chick are not going to put 300 kgs of Kawasaki onto the back of the ute.

Plan B is then to use the rope Kylie brought as a tow rope, to tow the bike. Good plan so far, other than for the fact that towing a bike has never been done before. Gazza is not scared of being a pioneer when it comes to these things. Gazza affixes the rope to the rear of ute but quickly realises that tying rope to the front of a bike is not that simple, given the steering, controls and so on. After 30 minutes of deliberation with Kylie, they agree to tie the rope around his waist and get towed that way. A fokken chimpanzee could have told him how kak a plan that was…. At this time I am in my warm bed just dozing off.

Gazza then instructs Kylie to brake very carefully, as the rope is not that long and if she brakes quickly, he will obviously crash into the back of the ute and her cousin would not be happy with more dents in his ute.

Kylie agrees so off they go, ute, broken bike and rope around Gazza’s waist. All is going swimmingly well until the first traffic roundabout, or circle as they call them in Africa. Kylie only has her Green Peas (When I first heard this I though she was always talking about the vegetable, then I thought she was a member of Green Peace, then after 6 months realised it was her drivers license), so she was understandably nervous and twitchy.

Anyway, approaching the circle, Kylie was not entirely sure what to do, but she did remember that braking softly was important. On approach she  slowed slightly, Gazza, seeing the brakelights, grabs the bike’s brakes as hard as he can…

Unfortunately Kylie being careful immediately accelerates, with Gazza on full brake. In a split second Gazza is running behind the ute, rope around his waist at 40 km/h and accelerating, doing 10m long strides with eyes the size of side plates. Eye witnesses say they heard him say FAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK .  Kylie in the rearview mirror hears this and hits the brakes. It is never good to see your loved one in this state.

The rope as I mentioned was short, and Gazza doing 50kmph by this stage could not stop and ran smack bang into the back of the ute. Running into something waist high only stops the bottom half, so he catapulted and landed on his back, in the back of the ute, braking his arm, cracking some ribs and getting a moer of a rope rash. I think the worst past was also that the rope caught the back of his jocks and gave him a wedgie. A 40kmph wedgie nogal while running at 50kmph. Not good. He is still bitching about this more than his arm.

Kylie just carried on driving straight to hospital, dropped him and called me. Said something about going to pick up her passport and then going somewhere. Gazza off work but cannot pay XBox with 1 hand so gutted.

Australian construction sign

The Aussies tell it like it is. Construction sign from building site. Gotta love it…..

Australian Construction SightThe Australian construction sites are magic. In South Africa at ant time there are 100 guys sitting on their spades, another 50 watching them and a couple of others working. In Australia the building site looks like a ghost town, there is no one there, and yet the building grows. Magic. Remember if there are any problems, just call Todd.

Australian petrol prices are the ACCC

Driven a car lately? If you are a bus dweller like most of us this probably is not an issue for you.

I drove the Skyline out to Bondi over the weekend and nearly kakked myself when I filled up. Its a joke.I think Ali Baba would be embarrassed if he saw what was hapenning to the Australian public when it comes to fuel prices. I had heard our good ACCC was looking into this, and boy are they? just kidding. At the Kaksak offices, we decided to blow the lid off this rort. Here is our in depth investigation and the actions we took.

High Petrol prices

The ACCC monitoring the ppetrol prices on public holidays. And I quote from the ACCC website:

“There is a perception in the community that petrol prices increase by more than usual just before public holidays and long weekends. To test this perception, the ACCC conducted a detailed review of prices in the five largest cities around every public holiday”

I do not call fuel going from $1.18 to $1.38 from Thursday to Friday a F$&*ing perception. Can you tell us how you tested these perceptions. Any data would help here. How many tests. What exactly is the percentage? Was this on the way home buying bread or done by your work experience kid? Was he playing with his perception at the time of doing this research? Who signed off on this drivel?

“This review showed that price movements around public holidays have been similar to price movements at other times”

What, other public holidays? So they rip us off every pubic holiday but as long as it’s consistent?

“In part, the perception that price increases are unusually large just before holidays may be due to the operation of the regular weekly cycle, which causes prices to rise just before all weekends, not just holiday weekends”

WTF? Weekly cycle? What weekly cycle, that they know people will need fuel on the weekends so they charge more. These are multi million dollar oil corporations who smooth their earnings every year for investors but they cannot fokken manage a weekly fuel cycle? If it is only a perception, why do I have less cash for beers if I buy fuel on a Friday? Is that my perception? The RSL won’t let me pay in perception dollars either.

“Price rises may be more noticeable before holiday weekends because a large number of motorists make long trips, using more petrol than usual”

No shit Sherlock… So I think the final point here is bend over, drop your rods and stop complaining. WTF does this actually mean, people use more petrol that usual and thus they should get charged more. Absolutely a root. In South Africa they agree the price monthly. No bullshit cycles. These petrol cycles are in fact so efficient that the ACCC cannot explain them and neither apparently can the oil companies to the ACCC. In fact petrol prices are so efficient that the same fuel may go up or down based on supply and demand with a day, even though the refill bowser only and always visits 1 a week. Immediate revaluation of trading stock, the same stock nogal within hours. Unbelievable. And the ACCC tries to explain this as perception. How F#$# stupid do they think the general public is? Obviously pretty bloody stupid.

If I have ever seen a mielie, it is in the graphs attempting to show Im not sure what actually, that we are not getting a mielie. If this is the data they used, Im not surprised they have no idea, but they seem to believe they are correct, even if they are a small cycle…

Boycotting fuel

So we are no longer going to stand for this, we decided to boycott fuel and see if we, the kaksakkers could start to make a difference and force change.

Day 1 – Petrol boycott

  • Slick road his dikwiel in and after nearly getting killed twice, got hit on the ass by a bakkies mirror, which ripped his pants off, including undies. Very unfortunate for the nana driving behind him who is still getting counseling. Pants were never found. Slick eventually tied his helmet across his butt for the rest of the journey. Cops got him a couple of hundred meters from work and confiscated his bike as he was not wearing a helmet, and fined $200. He is bleak.
  • I decided to walk. Got mugged walking through Redfern, they stole my comb, sandals and mobile. I got on the train as a result and someone felt my crotch. Normally this is not something I would complain about, especially if I am surrounded by Ralph models. Unfortunately the models do not catch the trains, or not ones in Redfern anyway. I was surrounded by group of large Islander rugby players on their way to practice, and we were so crammed in that I could not get my hands below shoulder level. I think they were trying to steal my wallet through my fly, and thought I had a roll of cash in there, which would not come out, and did they try. When the crowd cleared out, there I was fly open and feeling like a smoke. An angry elderly lady klapped me and called me a pervert. The railway police then wanted to know if any girls under 16 had witnessed the event, apparently I would have been in all sorts of kak, and then let me go with a warning. I could sense however the 3 older divorcees with no teeth were checking out my goods, I felt violated and got off the train. Only then to then be hit by a cyclist going the wrong way on the pavement. His handle bar caught my jacket pocket, ripped it clean off and all my used tissues and change fell onto the pavement with lots of people walking past. A nerdy guy in a suit then shat on me for littering. Its not the F%^$ dude riding illegally, its my 6 snotty tissues which piss him off.
  • Gazza pulled a sicki. He said it is his right, he gets 10 days sick leave a year and if you do not use them you loose them. His boss then spotted him buying XBox games at Parramatta Westfield. He pretended he was someone else and that he didnt recognise his boss. Even put on a fake South African accent. The doos forgot he was in his company’s golf shirt. He got a warning and the day’s pay docked.
  • Toula and Kylie drove to work. Not that many busses to the Cross from where we are. Chicks don’t like conflict and are more conscientious than blokes. All went well, Toula got a raise and Kylie’s new boss took her to lunch. I think he is trying to get into her pants, she says he respects her views and ideas. So much so he even booked a room at the Formula One for the afternoon so they could work quietly together. Kylie found it strange there was no desk in the room, and at times uncomfortably that he worked in his undies, which are leopard skin nogal but she said he is eccentric and it was very productive.

Morale of the story

So the morale of the story is. Do not F#$% with the Oil companies. The Universe itself will kak on your head. Not even the organisation set up to investigate the organisations can do proper research. This is the way the Universe works, the way it is meant to be. Do not rock the boat. Just bend over whenever you fill up your car from now on, and know the Oil companies are a law unto their own. Tomorrow, we are driving to work, and even though Im pissed off, rather pissed off than messing with the oil companies or selling the Skyline to buy a Prius.

F3 Motorway Management

The F3 debacle this week is nothing new, its been getting worse and worse to the point of it now being ridiculous.

F3 Debale April 2010

Rescue services have a job to do but they do not seem to give a shit about the folk stuck in the cars and act like there is no hurry. Because they are working you should sit and rot in your car. They only have a duty of care to the accident victims and those involved. Well about time someone wakes up. I see the head of the RTA has been stood down. WTF, so he was doing nothing before, and now he gets to not even have to go to work and still gets paid. Why can I not find a job paying $360,000 where I do not even have to show up. We at the Kaksak have had enough.

I can understand why Kristina Keneally has spent $100,000 on travel, I would not drive either if it took 11 hours to get from Sydney to Gosford. She is the Premier, she has the information, she knows better and why not fly if us poor taxpayers are paying, well you guys anyway have to pay for it, we don’t pay much tax in the Kaksak office it is against our religion. Any way, nothing small about our premier, Private jets nogal. As they say, everything is bigger and better in America., or is she Canadian? Gazza just corrected me I understand she is from Adelaide, explains the accent and everything else. Like screwing up the bus routes so I pay more. I should actually refer to it as the bus root, but that is another story.

Anyway, Toula, Gazza, Slick and Kylie all sat down and decided to propose our own management strategies for the F3. Obviously the RTA is incapable of coming up with any, so why not tap into the smart people from the Kaksak and get plans that will work. So here is our plan. We are happy to share it publicly and not take credit. Just as long as all those central coasters can get out of Sydney quickly, that will be fine. Strange people from there man…

So here we go. 3 Key strategies for the RTA to fix the F3.

1. F3 Communication Signboards

Tell the masses WTF is going on. Be honest with the delays, tell it like it is. No spin. We use this example from our brothers in the United States on how they communicate with drivers as to exactly what is happening in the traffic and who caused the issue.

Honest traffic communication signs

2. Make alternative plans for those in need

These guys were stuck for 9 hours without a MacDonalds, Kentucky or Hungry Jacks in sight. Mac on the left suffered sever distress after not eating and had to receive counseling after arriving in Gosford. After some intensive feeding on 16 Big Macs and a Chicken from Red Rooster we think he is going to be OK. But in a television interview on Channel 7 filmed by Simon Fuller, he said he is never going to travel to Sydney again and is going to spend more time at his favourite Poker machine at the Gosford RSL to recover. He is also exploring opportunities with Slater & Gordon as to who to sue, as he thinks he lost 1 kilogram during the incident and feels the stress has affected him and he lives now in fear that he might be more than 2 minutes away from a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was going to sue for lost income but realised his dole payment will still be the same anyway.

His girlfriend is also upset as the stress has caused him to loose his sex drive and she is also demanding compensation for this and hopes the state government will step in to help. She would drive through to Sydney to see Kristina Keneally about the matter but is too scared to travel on the F3 again, and could not confirm whether she could fly by private jet at taxpayers expense but that felt that was only fair. So if you are going to keep people sitting in their cars for 9 hours, there should be McDonalds and coke for all, quick.

3. Give Priority to Priority Vehicles

Some traffic is more important than others. Those backpackers heading to Byron Bay cannot be without Zol and booze for long periods of time, so give them the right of way. Those having affairs also need to get where they are going fast. Very unromantic and mood spoiling to be sitting in a car for that long without doing anything naughty. Also gets uncomfortable when the spouse calls you only have the car kit to talk on. They have Formula 1 rooms waiting, being charged by the hour. let them through. Also we cannot forget the politicians, the very people who cause this, should have access, with press to be photographed waving to the people saying “We Care” and under their breaths, only about popular opinion and opinion polls, has anyone got a baby for me to hold?

Priority to busses on the F3

Finally, don’t forget the rich people and celebrities. Usually easily identified as they drive BMW’s and Mercedes Benz’s, they should of course get right of way. For a fact BMW drivers do own the road, so it it’s theirs let them use it first. Heaven forbid any wealthy person should have 10 minutes of their time wasted. Also don’t forget the celebrities like Facebook boy and Ricki Lee who always have to look glamorous.

So for the rest of us. We felt it appropriate to share the best things to when stuck in a traffic jam, almost like the traffic jam checklist for Holden and Ford drivers. Remember the BMW and Merc drivers will be long gone.

Things to do during a F3 traffic jam

1. Phone ahead while you can (in the first 2 hours), let them know you will be late. 9 hour traffic jams are going to outlast your iphone battery, trust me

2. Hide all your tissues and water. After about 4 hours these will become extremely valuable. You can sell them, but hold out, selling too soon will not maximise their value. Setting your price too high can also result in rioting and injury. Only do this if you are a trained auctioneer or drug dealer.

3. Do not get out and try to hitch. Trust me it is not going to work at any time

4. Phone and complain about something. After 6 hours you will be in the right frame of mind to have the long overdue discussion with the bank about bank charges

5. Admire the engineering and beauty of your ’86 Hyundai. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

6. Listen to the morning, lunchtime and afternoon radio show on TodayFM. If you were pissed off before this will put you over the edge. Good time then to call the bank, or even people who may owe you money

7. After 8 hours, call your mother-in-law and tell her what you really think of her

8. Think abut your last sexual experience. If you are over 50, it was probably not expected, went on far too long and the end was an anti climax. Much like the F3 traffic debacle on Monday

9 Constantly remind yourself how lucky you are. Things could be worse, you could be living in Melbourne

10. After 10 hours, get out of your car, if you can walk. Find a large rock and take a bite out of it and chew. This will help stop you committing violent acts against police, firemen, RTA officials or politicians who may be in the vicinity.

So onward and upward NSW, the best place on earth to live. Serve you all right for trying to leave and go to the Coast.