Tag Archives: business

Top 10 Out of office suggestions for holidays

So it is nearly the Christmas holidays, lots of sunshine, Jack Daniels and hangovers. But do not forget the out of office reply on your email. Chances are, given the Australian economy your company is making you take additional leave, so make sure you get this right and are remembered appropriately. Here are the top 10 kaksak recommended out of office email replies for December 2013-January 2014 holidays:

 

  1. Our email server was unable to verify your IP address and the security of the sending domain. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message. Alternatively contact your IT department with this message.
  2. Thanks for your email. Given recent retrenchments and redundancies I now do the jobs of 3 FTE’s so you you can expect a response in around 23 weeks time
  3. Given your recent online activity your emails and Internet traffic are now being monitored as part of a Government crackdown on beastiality porn websites. Please contact us at porn-info@asio.gov.au at your earliest convenience for a full browser and hard drive scan and to arrange an interview.
  4. START:NSA-Intercept-154632/23-3 date 193.42.80.01/advanced-suspect-surveillance:END
  5. You have mistaken the recipient of this email for someone who gives a shit. Please resend to a more appropriate person
  6. I have taken stress leave from this f%#cked up hellhole of a joint. Your emails are only serving to push me closer to the edge and should I harm myself this will be as a direct result of you sending this email. All emails are being copied to my lawyers who continue to build a case against all involved given the pending potential for self harm and the claims that will follow
  7. Hello, Im not wearing any underwear….
  8. Congratulations. You have been selected to win an iPad worth over$5,000. To claim your iPad please visit www.lowiq.ru and pay the small processing fee to our Paypal account in Belarus and your iPad will be shipped immediately.
  9. I have run away to join a different circus
  10. I will be out of the office from the 15 December to 12 January 2014 whereupon I will promptly delete all your emails. Please resend anytime after the 13th January.

 

and the best one of all:

Your fearless customer service representative is out and you are at the mercy of his henchmen. These henchmen have been carefully selected and  instructed to respond to your queries in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner you are accustomed to, if at all.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

Management Tips – Saying it like it is!

At the Kaksak we are always trying to help our readers, especially those wankers who drive BMW’s, have big offices and earn lots of money. From our years of research at large corporates and in the tradie workplace, we understand what corporate managers say, and what tradie supervisors say, and the difference is really only in the wording. Pretty much the same thing really, just different speak. We also usually try and avoid foul language here, but it just didn’t work on this one without. So if you are easily offended, get the fuck out now….

So as a corporate manager, we recommend you share this article via you social networks, the one your co workers have access to so they have understand exactly what you say and what you mean to say in your daily corporate life. Good luck.

 

1. What you say: Thats OK, you go home at 5pm. its important to have a good work life balance.

What you wanted to say: Does this look like a fucking holiday camp? Finish your shit and then I will decide whether you can go home!

2. What you say: Even though you missed that, I’m sure we can still get it done within the time and budget allocated, everything will be OK

What you meant to say: This whole thing is fucked because of you!

3. What you say: There are clearly some development areas we need to address, how about a training course?

What you meant to say: You have no fucking clue, do you!

4. What you say: She is such a go getter, we are lucky to have her

What you meant to say: She is a power crazy bitch, and hates us all.

5. What you say: Don’t worry I will look at it tonight, you go off home!

What you meant to say: When the fuck did you expect me to look at this? Tonight?

6. What you say: We can take that on board, I’m just not sure it is feasible in the current economic environment, but a very good idea non the less.

What you meant to say: Fuck off you idiot!

7. What you say: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

What you meant to say: Well fuck me with a telephone pole, with a garden fork strapped to the front!

8. What you say: That’s interesting!

What you meant to say: Fuck me….

9. What you say: I was actually not involved in that project and also on leave at the time….

What you meant to say: Not my fucking problem!

10. What you say: He is not up to speed with all the issues yet!

What you meant to say: His head is unusually far up his arse this time!

11. What you say: May you should check with…..

What you meant to say: You are mistaking me for someone who gives a shit….

12. What you say: We are on a tight schedule, lets see if we can fit that in

What you meant to say: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

13. What you say: Hey Bob,  can you pop over over here for a minute?

What you meant to say: Oi! Dick head

14. What you say: You’re pregnant? Thats so awesome for you and John. When is it due?

What you meant to say: We are fucked! Why did you get pregnant when you know how much shit we have to do. How much time have we got before its born?

15. What you say:No problem, I was going to be at home anyway…

What you meant to say: Who needs a fucking holiday?

 16. What you say: Oh your chair is not comfortable! Thats unacceptable, lets call HR immediately and find their ergonomic advisor
What you meant to say: Sit on the fucking floor then. When I was your age we sat on cardboard boxes!

17. What you say: We would never expect our people to work over time and not get paid!

What you meant to say: This bunch of lazy pricks couldn’t work any slower if they tried! Fuck that!

18. What you say: Lets give away a new iPhone to motivate our people!

What you meant to say: A good boot up the arse always motivated me, how about we try that…

19. What you say: Don’t worry, take it as a learning experience, our customers are all morons anyway

What you meant to say: You little shitbag! How dare you fuck up this business like that!

20. What you say: Thats OK, you can take 3 months off, we will find a temp and manage somehow. You go get that travel bug out your system and have fun!

What you meant to say: Have you lost your fucking mind?

 

Say no more…..

Nude Cleaning

That’s right, you heard it first you can hire a nude cleaner, accountant, or whatever. Just have to live in Africa that is all. Gazza has identified some drawbacks to this service and we suggest you always pay with a credit card and check the Terms and Conditions closely. He has only tried this one and for some reason now prefers fully clothed options.

Nude house cleaner

Equal opportunity prevails in Australia. To do this right we believe the services we would like naked cleaning extended to, include:

  • Jockeys
  • Politicians, if you want to ask a question in question time, you should do it au natural. No more live TV coverage
  • Anything to do with fitness trainers
  • Company receptionists, age limits may apply here
  • Eastern suburbs yoga classes (These probably exist already)
  • The dustbin men
  • Anyone who works in marketing
  • Anyone with modelling experience, doesn’t really matter what they do

Exemptions

  • Pensioners
  • Hairy tradies who work up ladders
  • Lebanese people (We dig you and live with you, just don’t work around naked)
  • Regular McDonalds eaters
  • Anyone who works in accounting, actuarial science or with computers

 

Funny Out of Office replies to start the new year

Just to cheer you up for the first day back at work for 2012. Top “Out of Office replies”:

  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you would not get a response at all.
  • Thanks for your email. I was unable to automatically delete emails while on holiday, but not to worry they will be deleted on my return
  • I promised my wife I would be attentive and “offline” during my holiday, so if you want to screw up up marriage and my holiday then resend this email
  • Thanks for your email. You will be invoiced for $1 for the first 10 words and 50c per word thereafter at this email address. Payment terms are 14 days.
  • Our email server was unable to verify your server connection. Please close Outlook, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message.
  • Stop harassing me at this email address! Constant harassment is the lowest form of bullying and if you email me here again, I shall report you to the police
  • Thank you for your email. Given the current demand for my time, you can expect a response in around 38 weeks. Thank you.
  • If you cared for me as much as you say you do, you would stop sending me these crappy emails.
  • Thank you for your email.  I am out the office for medical reasons for 2 weeks. On return please call me Jan rather than John. Thanks
  • Hi, Thanks for your email. I have submitted it to 14 spam email lists so you can see what it is like to get worthless crappy emails like these continuously
  • By sending this email, you have been automatically included on our email subscription lists for porn, poker and cheap Viagra.

Carbon Tax Explained – What you need to know?

Given all the fuss abut the carbon tax, the Kaksak crew (Gazza and I) sat down and decided to explain it in pure English. First we turned to Google and found that to be of little help….

Google search for Carbon Tax

 

OK, so their must be a politician other than Julia Gillard that can explain this this to us. BTW do they allow booze into parliament?

 

 

OK, so moving right along, we got slightly side tracked by the hockey pokey, you put your petrol in, you put your petrol out and you shake it all about. WTF? And these people get paid by our taxes. I told Gazza this was his fault, if he paid more tax he would get better politicians, thus we are getting a carbon tax to be able to afford better politicians. Right…

So we then asked the people of Bankstown what they thought of the carbon tax.

Protest about carbon tax

Straight to the point. Thats how we like it in Bankstown. I think all the hot air did even more damage to the environment.

 

 

SMX Sydney 2011

Well, the Kaksak being ever interested in SEO, CRO, SMO, SEM and ofcourse SEX went to SMX to see what I could see and OMG some of the international speakers take themselves far too seriously LOL.

SEO Geek TattooRand (SEOMoz) and Greg (Bluegrass, I think), despite what you want us to think, I don’t think you know how Google works. I also graduated from Bootcamp to being a full attendee. Won’t confirm or deny of I paid for my ticket though.

The usual suspects were there, Dejan (The Ukranians), Bruce Clay (The serious suits), actually they had some crazy french guy there who was a hoot, and then some new blood like First Rate, Adlux, Jet Interactive and Steak Digital. Asked if I could get boerie with my SEO from Steak but they said no. Said chips? and they threw me out the booth. Fortunately the booth wasn’t that big but I did get a squishy purple bull. Not sure what to do with it but will work something out. They say you should be a purple bull, right?. WTF?

Listened to a couple of interesting talks from the Google folk on video. The guy Dennis Goodneighbour (Direct translation) from Ebay was interesting and most of the rest all bogged on in a monotone, but did have some interesting facts and experiences. Mike Motherwell is always interesting and lets it all hang out, mostly inappropriately. Well done to Barry, the bossman who put on another excellent although at times dysfunctional show. There is SMX Elite today where they are actually going to share the Google Algorithm, or so they make out. Wonder if Amit knows about this. I think just another excuse for a piss up and not happy the Kaksak wasn’t included, but such is life. You can look forward to a better Kaksak user experience as well as more rankings after all the knowledge I gained. Think I might try rank for credit cards next. Credit cards, credit cards, credit cards. there you go. Watch this space.

Some of the learnings I got from SMX :

  • A chicks in SEO bikini calendar wouldn’t sell, OK maybe a couple. Go Cindy Krum!
  • A SEO Chippendales equivalent of blokes in SEO would be a non starter. Have any of these people seen sunlight or a gym? You can also see Leigh dancing here.
  • All the geeks use Macs or think they want to
  • IE free zone, in fact you wouldn’t want to be caught dead using IE at SMX…
  • There is such a thing as an SEO celebrity, but it is pretty niche, would not advise going down this path. the groupies aren’t that great.
  • SEO groupies tend to be older white males, definitely not for me, but may work for my Gran
  • The reason you have a booth is to talk to your co workers or mates. Maybe it was the fact that I asked what I could get for 50 bucks a month that shortened the conversations.
  • Fashion is not a high priority amongst the SEO folk, but then if you never go outside why bother?
  • Jeans and old conference shirt seem standard for the real hard core SEO. You have to show you are a hardcore conference junkie, by wearing a US 2008 or earlier conference t short
  • Lots and lots and lots of coffee, always available. Makes sense if you never go out and have no social life
  • With my new knowledge I have decided to try and rank for  credit cards, ask everyone to link to you with the anchor text credit cards. Tweet about me (thanks for the tip Rand) and mentioned credit cards in the tweet. The rest of this post I will be applying the SEO tactics learnt from SMX to rank for the term credit cards…
  • Credit cards, credit cards, credit cards, credit cards, Credit cards, credit cards, credit cards, credit cards

Anyway, another SMX year is done. Good conference. Credit cards, credit cards, credit cards, credit cards,Credit cards, Credit cards, oh and SMX 2011.

Find pictures of naked people here. Now try not to click. Also leaned about conversion..

 

 

Corporate acronyms and other embarrassing crap

On the train this morning found a Fin Review. Yes, the Kaksak can read. Initially thought I might take it to put on the floor to stop getting beer on the carpet but then found an article which got me thinking. So, if you work in the corporate world, and have been using any of these terms this year, stand up, walk up to the nearest stranger and ask him to give you a snot klap as hard as he or she can, so you can pull yourself toward yourself (Direct Afrikaans translation). and stop doing it. For those of you who just can’t, read on.

Thanks to the Fin Review for these non pearls of wisdom.

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2010 Corporate Jargon

Re-purposing -as in we didn’t make our numbers to get our bonus, lets consider re-purposing that provision to get the numbers right…

Thought Showers – Similar to golden showers

Unpack – As in unpack a new strategy. What? You bought it from Ikea?

Key take outs – Domino’s Pizza and KFC in our house. Seriously, as in the Key Takeouts of getting very pissed are that the chances of losing your mobile phone and/ or wallet is good and that members of the opposite sex get a lot more attractive the more you drink?

Level of granularity –  We asked Gazza for a level of granularity on the household budget and he brought us Nutri Grain

Creating Artefacts – As in the pink satin heart shaped pillow I got for Valentines Day last year, is an artefact of my relationship at that time i.e. really kak…

Moving forward – What Gazza says every time Toula catches him cheating. Also something my car Nissan Skyline rarely does.

Call it out – As in, “that guy is a wanker”, lets call it out…

Hero term – Thats me, the kaksak.

You can bind these together as well:

Lets get a level of granularity on the hero terms and call them out. We can then get our ducks in a row by unpacking and re purposing the key take outs. If you all put in 110% we can then touch base just before we roll out

See how easy it is!

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2009 Corporate Jargon:

Ducks in a row – when theyve realised you were all responsible for the f… up, make sure you and your mates have your ducks in a row for the inquiry

Touch base – whole different meaning when you’re in a pub in Parramatta

Pick the low hanging fruit – when you still haven’t picked up late on a Friday night and you’re getting desperate, you might pick the low hanging fruit….

Put in 110% – What Gazza gets when he works out how to split the bill after dinner

Roll out – What fat people do

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Some new jargon from the Kaksak for 2011:

These are guaranteed to make you look smart, creditable and get that bonus, as your manager will have no idea what you are taking about but nevertheless be very impressed.

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Pornstar Engagement – Try to make the job look glamourous and pleasurable, meanwhile you really are just screwing over your employees

Banana skywriting – No one has the balls to stand up and say anything, so get it out there some other way, so no one knows it you

Standing in front of the Gimp – Refer to getting your ducks in a row, a bad place to be.  If things are really dire, you might replace “standing” with “bent over”

Dinosaur baseline – The initial starting point of just about anything, that is so far back you can only really improve and look good.

Share some belly timber – Go out to a pseudo healthy corporate or staff lunch

Profile pimping – Get onto Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and try to look vaguely like a cool Internet person

.

These are just as easy to use:

Lets share some belly timber over our pornstar engagement strategy and how to avoid standing in front of the gimp on this. Some banana skywriting will help , and if it doesn’t we can do some profile pimping to help find new jobs.

Get into jargon in the new year, make your colleagues and friends think you are very smart and get that increase or bonus you have been hoping for… Good luck.

What are your favourite acronyms?