Tag Archives: Cars

10 funny facts about BMW Drivers

  1. If you can’t see their flicker (turn light for non South Africans), check the drivers window for middle finger
  2. If your car is not a BMW, then it must be a shitbox, and you should give way to all BMW’s
  3. If car cost more than a BMW then you most likely have a small penis and should still give way
  4. BMW drivers believe BMW stands for “Bring more women”
  5. BMW drivers have more sex than Hyundai drivers, but mostly with themselves
  6. The flicker (see 1.) is there to confirm a BMW driver has already changed lanes or cut you off
  7. The far right hand lane (fast lane) is the “BMW lane” and you should stay the f… out of it
  8. BMW drivers are happy with speeding fines,
    it’s an endorsement from the state that BMW’s are in fact, very fast
  9. As a general rule, BMW drivers know Merc drivers are “old farts”
  10. If you are reading jokes about BMW drivers you obviously cannot afford one…. Life sucks

For real facts on BMW drivers you can read more here. If you are from BMW and would like to sponser the Kaksak witha  free BMW to drive then please contact us and we would be happy to write the same post but in a much more positive light. If not, keep thinking you are gods gift to women and you have large you know whats!

 

The Cookie Monster

The Cookie Monster – Give him Whatever he wants.

The Cookie Monster

Spoken by the Cookie Monster on behalf of the Cookie Monster. Those considering this non PC, contact the Kaksak for sympathy. Noneone was harmed in putting up this blog post. You may need to be South African and have a sense of humout to appreciate this one. Authorised by the Cookie Monster.

 

Australian petrol prices are the ACCC

Driven a car lately? If you are a bus dweller like most of us this probably is not an issue for you.

I drove the Skyline out to Bondi over the weekend and nearly kakked myself when I filled up. Its a joke.I think Ali Baba would be embarrassed if he saw what was hapenning to the Australian public when it comes to fuel prices. I had heard our good ACCC was looking into this, and boy are they? just kidding. At the Kaksak offices, we decided to blow the lid off this rort. Here is our in depth investigation and the actions we took.

High Petrol prices

The ACCC monitoring the ppetrol prices on public holidays. And I quote from the ACCC website:

“There is a perception in the community that petrol prices increase by more than usual just before public holidays and long weekends. To test this perception, the ACCC conducted a detailed review of prices in the five largest cities around every public holiday”

I do not call fuel going from $1.18 to $1.38 from Thursday to Friday a F$&*ing perception. Can you tell us how you tested these perceptions. Any data would help here. How many tests. What exactly is the percentage? Was this on the way home buying bread or done by your work experience kid? Was he playing with his perception at the time of doing this research? Who signed off on this drivel?

“This review showed that price movements around public holidays have been similar to price movements at other times”

What, other public holidays? So they rip us off every pubic holiday but as long as it’s consistent?

“In part, the perception that price increases are unusually large just before holidays may be due to the operation of the regular weekly cycle, which causes prices to rise just before all weekends, not just holiday weekends”

WTF? Weekly cycle? What weekly cycle, that they know people will need fuel on the weekends so they charge more. These are multi million dollar oil corporations who smooth their earnings every year for investors but they cannot fokken manage a weekly fuel cycle? If it is only a perception, why do I have less cash for beers if I buy fuel on a Friday? Is that my perception? The RSL won’t let me pay in perception dollars either.

“Price rises may be more noticeable before holiday weekends because a large number of motorists make long trips, using more petrol than usual”

No shit Sherlock… So I think the final point here is bend over, drop your rods and stop complaining. WTF does this actually mean, people use more petrol that usual and thus they should get charged more. Absolutely a root. In South Africa they agree the price monthly. No bullshit cycles. These petrol cycles are in fact so efficient that the ACCC cannot explain them and neither apparently can the oil companies to the ACCC. In fact petrol prices are so efficient that the same fuel may go up or down based on supply and demand with a day, even though the refill bowser only and always visits 1 a week. Immediate revaluation of trading stock, the same stock nogal within hours. Unbelievable. And the ACCC tries to explain this as perception. How F#$# stupid do they think the general public is? Obviously pretty bloody stupid.

If I have ever seen a mielie, it is in the graphs attempting to show Im not sure what actually, that we are not getting a mielie. If this is the data they used, Im not surprised they have no idea, but they seem to believe they are correct, even if they are a small cycle…

Boycotting fuel

So we are no longer going to stand for this, we decided to boycott fuel and see if we, the kaksakkers could start to make a difference and force change.

Day 1 – Petrol boycott

  • Slick road his dikwiel in and after nearly getting killed twice, got hit on the ass by a bakkies mirror, which ripped his pants off, including undies. Very unfortunate for the nana driving behind him who is still getting counseling. Pants were never found. Slick eventually tied his helmet across his butt for the rest of the journey. Cops got him a couple of hundred meters from work and confiscated his bike as he was not wearing a helmet, and fined $200. He is bleak.
  • I decided to walk. Got mugged walking through Redfern, they stole my comb, sandals and mobile. I got on the train as a result and someone felt my crotch. Normally this is not something I would complain about, especially if I am surrounded by Ralph models. Unfortunately the models do not catch the trains, or not ones in Redfern anyway. I was surrounded by group of large Islander rugby players on their way to practice, and we were so crammed in that I could not get my hands below shoulder level. I think they were trying to steal my wallet through my fly, and thought I had a roll of cash in there, which would not come out, and did they try. When the crowd cleared out, there I was fly open and feeling like a smoke. An angry elderly lady klapped me and called me a pervert. The railway police then wanted to know if any girls under 16 had witnessed the event, apparently I would have been in all sorts of kak, and then let me go with a warning. I could sense however the 3 older divorcees with no teeth were checking out my goods, I felt violated and got off the train. Only then to then be hit by a cyclist going the wrong way on the pavement. His handle bar caught my jacket pocket, ripped it clean off and all my used tissues and change fell onto the pavement with lots of people walking past. A nerdy guy in a suit then shat on me for littering. Its not the F%^$ dude riding illegally, its my 6 snotty tissues which piss him off.
  • Gazza pulled a sicki. He said it is his right, he gets 10 days sick leave a year and if you do not use them you loose them. His boss then spotted him buying XBox games at Parramatta Westfield. He pretended he was someone else and that he didnt recognise his boss. Even put on a fake South African accent. The doos forgot he was in his company’s golf shirt. He got a warning and the day’s pay docked.
  • Toula and Kylie drove to work. Not that many busses to the Cross from where we are. Chicks don’t like conflict and are more conscientious than blokes. All went well, Toula got a raise and Kylie’s new boss took her to lunch. I think he is trying to get into her pants, she says he respects her views and ideas. So much so he even booked a room at the Formula One for the afternoon so they could work quietly together. Kylie found it strange there was no desk in the room, and at times uncomfortably that he worked in his undies, which are leopard skin nogal but she said he is eccentric and it was very productive.

Morale of the story

So the morale of the story is. Do not F#$% with the Oil companies. The Universe itself will kak on your head. Not even the organisation set up to investigate the organisations can do proper research. This is the way the Universe works, the way it is meant to be. Do not rock the boat. Just bend over whenever you fill up your car from now on, and know the Oil companies are a law unto their own. Tomorrow, we are driving to work, and even though Im pissed off, rather pissed off than messing with the oil companies or selling the Skyline to buy a Prius.

F3 Motorway Management

The F3 debacle this week is nothing new, its been getting worse and worse to the point of it now being ridiculous.

F3 Debale April 2010

Rescue services have a job to do but they do not seem to give a shit about the folk stuck in the cars and act like there is no hurry. Because they are working you should sit and rot in your car. They only have a duty of care to the accident victims and those involved. Well about time someone wakes up. I see the head of the RTA has been stood down. WTF, so he was doing nothing before, and now he gets to not even have to go to work and still gets paid. Why can I not find a job paying $360,000 where I do not even have to show up. We at the Kaksak have had enough.

I can understand why Kristina Keneally has spent $100,000 on travel, I would not drive either if it took 11 hours to get from Sydney to Gosford. She is the Premier, she has the information, she knows better and why not fly if us poor taxpayers are paying, well you guys anyway have to pay for it, we don’t pay much tax in the Kaksak office it is against our religion. Any way, nothing small about our premier, Private jets nogal. As they say, everything is bigger and better in America., or is she Canadian? Gazza just corrected me I understand she is from Adelaide, explains the accent and everything else. Like screwing up the bus routes so I pay more. I should actually refer to it as the bus root, but that is another story.

Anyway, Toula, Gazza, Slick and Kylie all sat down and decided to propose our own management strategies for the F3. Obviously the RTA is incapable of coming up with any, so why not tap into the smart people from the Kaksak and get plans that will work. So here is our plan. We are happy to share it publicly and not take credit. Just as long as all those central coasters can get out of Sydney quickly, that will be fine. Strange people from there man…

So here we go. 3 Key strategies for the RTA to fix the F3.

1. F3 Communication Signboards

Tell the masses WTF is going on. Be honest with the delays, tell it like it is. No spin. We use this example from our brothers in the United States on how they communicate with drivers as to exactly what is happening in the traffic and who caused the issue.

Honest traffic communication signs

2. Make alternative plans for those in need

These guys were stuck for 9 hours without a MacDonalds, Kentucky or Hungry Jacks in sight. Mac on the left suffered sever distress after not eating and had to receive counseling after arriving in Gosford. After some intensive feeding on 16 Big Macs and a Chicken from Red Rooster we think he is going to be OK. But in a television interview on Channel 7 filmed by Simon Fuller, he said he is never going to travel to Sydney again and is going to spend more time at his favourite Poker machine at the Gosford RSL to recover. He is also exploring opportunities with Slater & Gordon as to who to sue, as he thinks he lost 1 kilogram during the incident and feels the stress has affected him and he lives now in fear that he might be more than 2 minutes away from a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was going to sue for lost income but realised his dole payment will still be the same anyway.

His girlfriend is also upset as the stress has caused him to loose his sex drive and she is also demanding compensation for this and hopes the state government will step in to help. She would drive through to Sydney to see Kristina Keneally about the matter but is too scared to travel on the F3 again, and could not confirm whether she could fly by private jet at taxpayers expense but that felt that was only fair. So if you are going to keep people sitting in their cars for 9 hours, there should be McDonalds and coke for all, quick.

3. Give Priority to Priority Vehicles

Some traffic is more important than others. Those backpackers heading to Byron Bay cannot be without Zol and booze for long periods of time, so give them the right of way. Those having affairs also need to get where they are going fast. Very unromantic and mood spoiling to be sitting in a car for that long without doing anything naughty. Also gets uncomfortable when the spouse calls you only have the car kit to talk on. They have Formula 1 rooms waiting, being charged by the hour. let them through. Also we cannot forget the politicians, the very people who cause this, should have access, with press to be photographed waving to the people saying “We Care” and under their breaths, only about popular opinion and opinion polls, has anyone got a baby for me to hold?

Priority to busses on the F3

Finally, don’t forget the rich people and celebrities. Usually easily identified as they drive BMW’s and Mercedes Benz’s, they should of course get right of way. For a fact BMW drivers do own the road, so it it’s theirs let them use it first. Heaven forbid any wealthy person should have 10 minutes of their time wasted. Also don’t forget the celebrities like Facebook boy and Ricki Lee who always have to look glamorous.

So for the rest of us. We felt it appropriate to share the best things to when stuck in a traffic jam, almost like the traffic jam checklist for Holden and Ford drivers. Remember the BMW and Merc drivers will be long gone.

Things to do during a F3 traffic jam

1. Phone ahead while you can (in the first 2 hours), let them know you will be late. 9 hour traffic jams are going to outlast your iphone battery, trust me

2. Hide all your tissues and water. After about 4 hours these will become extremely valuable. You can sell them, but hold out, selling too soon will not maximise their value. Setting your price too high can also result in rioting and injury. Only do this if you are a trained auctioneer or drug dealer.

3. Do not get out and try to hitch. Trust me it is not going to work at any time

4. Phone and complain about something. After 6 hours you will be in the right frame of mind to have the long overdue discussion with the bank about bank charges

5. Admire the engineering and beauty of your ’86 Hyundai. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

6. Listen to the morning, lunchtime and afternoon radio show on TodayFM. If you were pissed off before this will put you over the edge. Good time then to call the bank, or even people who may owe you money

7. After 8 hours, call your mother-in-law and tell her what you really think of her

8. Think abut your last sexual experience. If you are over 50, it was probably not expected, went on far too long and the end was an anti climax. Much like the F3 traffic debacle on Monday

9 Constantly remind yourself how lucky you are. Things could be worse, you could be living in Melbourne

10. After 10 hours, get out of your car, if you can walk. Find a large rock and take a bite out of it and chew. This will help stop you committing violent acts against police, firemen, RTA officials or politicians who may be in the vicinity.

So onward and upward NSW, the best place on earth to live. Serve you all right for trying to leave and go to the Coast.

Sex on the Bonnet?

It’s Tuesday after a long weekend and I am seriously gatvol. Can’t wait for the weekend again.

More kak this weekend. We had a party Sunday at Kobus’s house. Kobus comes from a reasonably conservative family to say the least and having a party on Sunday was not easy to organise. In fact it was not really a party, more like some mates coming around for fellowship, which involved beers and chicks and which then involved music (We always said there would be music to his mom, just didn’t tell her we wouldn’t be singing) and no one told Gazza (Our token Aussie) not to put the details on his Facebook page, so it got a little out of hand. Fortunately different cops this time, so I was not recognised.

Anyways, Monday morning Kobus’s mom goes out early in her car which is a Volvo. I had a very sore head, told Kobus’s dad I thought it was something I ate, maybe the boerie, which went down like a piece of boerie in a Vegetarian restaurant because he had in fact made the boerie. Anyway, after a short embarrassing silence we said we were leaving and walked out as Kobus’s mom arrived home.

I noticed some scuff marks on the bonnet and made the point she should not wipe dust dry on the bonnet as it could ruin the paint. I then also noticed Gazza had some dust on his hoodie top. I was about to say “Gazza, do not wipe the car with your top China” She didn’t even notice and said to Kobus she thinks someone passed out on her car bonnet and it is disgusting that people drink that much. I agreed, but my head was bloody sore. Gazza starts pissing himself and says “Kobus mate, were you shagging on your mums car?. That was when the boerie landed on the barbie for Kobus’s mom. Her mouth dropped, face turned grey and I could see the kak train pulling into the station, faster than a train should.

Evidence of sex on Volvo bonnet

I started laughing and snorting through my nose. I think 1 of my sinuses actually popped out. I pretended to be sneezing and turned to run, but the throbbing hangover temporary blinded me and I ran straight in front of the neighbour’s car, who was pulling out of his driveway and had to brake. I swerved to avoid getting run over, but given my state of mind I was still thinking about the car even though my body had changed direction, and ran straight into a 100 year old fokken tree, and then fell backwards onto a small bamboo plant. Has not been pleasant sitting down today. Back to the story, in this half conscious state¬† I could here Kobus getting kakked on, bigtime.

Turns out it was Gazza and Kobus’s sister. He swears he tripped as she was walking past and they both fell onto the bonnet and that nothing happened. You be the judge…

Kulula Paint Job – Flying 101

When I saw these I was chuffed and worried. While I know Kulula are an innovative bunch and the aircraft look pretty good, I also know a lot of airline training budgets have been cut. So if they are going to paint the flight manual on the plane surely it should be painted on the inside? HTF are they going to read the instructions from the inside. The lengths some companies will also go to look green (literally) and save paper!

Then I decided much like airport security it is all for show. Those clowns made me take my belt off on the way to the Gold Coast the other day. I admit the buckle is somewhat large and the lights on the buckle could be construed as electronic circuitry, but really…

When my rods fell of as I walked through the scanner I thought the guard was going to bekak himself. I started speaking Afrikaans immediately and pretended to be a tourist. I immediately bellowed apologetically “Julle fokken bliksems kan julle sekurity in julle gatte druk. Ek dink ook jy het a klein piel en jou you ma dink jy is a drol? Afrikaans is not my strong point, but half the people in the cue starting pissing themselves and an old tannie at the back look mortified. Mr Security smiled and said “Security is an important part of keeping our skies safe, thank you for your cooperation, not too worry. Please can you pull up your pants now, and in future, please wear underwear when flying.

Anyway, back to Kulula…

Kulula Flying 101 paint job

Kulula Paint job from the front

Kulula Paint job back

Actually was so inspired by this that I decided to do the same thing to my Skyline. The chick nearly shat herself, as I had “Black Box” (See above) on the passenger door. I showed her the Kukula picture and no deal. Asked my china’s and they reckoned maybe she thought it was a bit racist, being Afrcan and all. She is a blond FFS…. I obviously haven’t got a loo in the skyline even though it goes like stink, the rest of the stuff fits like engines, wing, stabiliser, big cheese and so on. Good on ya Kulula. Can you fly cheaply to Aus now so we don’t have to ripped off continuously by SAA.

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