Tag Archives: Chicks

The Motorbike and the Ute

You will not fokken believe what happened last night. Gazza is not that bright and should not be left on his own, especially when any thinking is required. I could just kak thinking about it. Spent most of my night at the hospital. Nurses are not as good looking as they are in the girlie magazines, was very surprised to see this. But I digress.

Gazza drives an old Kawasaki 750 and was on his way home from work sort of, when the bike broke down. This has happened before and is normally not an issue, but this time he was in Marrickville, renowned for Bike theft and a certain topless pub on Old Canterbury road. Gazza denies he was there and says the coaster in his pocket from this particular bar was put there by the hospital staff. Go figure…

Anyways, Gazza calls Kylie, his chick to bring the cousins ute and fetch him, because Gazza was shit scared that his bike was going to be on bricks or completely gone by morning.

What happened then you will not believe, just like I didn’t believe Darth Vader was living in Bankstown until I saw him at  McDonalds one Saturday night.

Kylie arrives and Gazza being the intellectual giant he is quickly figures out that skinny Aussie and fat chick are not going to put 300 kgs of Kawasaki onto the back of the ute.

Plan B is then to use the rope Kylie brought as a tow rope, to tow the bike. Good plan so far, other than for the fact that towing a bike has never been done before. Gazza is not scared of being a pioneer when it comes to these things. Gazza affixes the rope to the rear of ute but quickly realises that tying rope to the front of a bike is not that simple, given the steering, controls and so on. After 30 minutes of deliberation with Kylie, they agree to tie the rope around his waist and get towed that way. A fokken chimpanzee could have told him how kak a plan that was…. At this time I am in my warm bed just dozing off.

Gazza then instructs Kylie to brake very carefully, as the rope is not that long and if she brakes quickly, he will obviously crash into the back of the ute and her cousin would not be happy with more dents in his ute.

Kylie agrees so off they go, ute, broken bike and rope around Gazza’s waist. All is going swimmingly well until the first traffic roundabout, or circle as they call them in Africa. Kylie only has her Green Peas (When I first heard this I though she was always talking about the vegetable, then I thought she was a member of Green Peace, then after 6 months realised it was her drivers license), so she was understandably nervous and twitchy.

Anyway, approaching the circle, Kylie was not entirely sure what to do, but she did remember that braking softly was important. On approach she  slowed slightly, Gazza, seeing the brakelights, grabs the bike’s brakes as hard as he can…

Unfortunately Kylie being careful immediately accelerates, with Gazza on full brake. In a split second Gazza is running behind the ute, rope around his waist at 40 km/h and accelerating, doing 10m long strides with eyes the size of side plates. Eye witnesses say they heard him say FAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK .  Kylie in the rearview mirror hears this and hits the brakes. It is never good to see your loved one in this state.

The rope as I mentioned was short, and Gazza doing 50kmph by this stage could not stop and ran smack bang into the back of the ute. Running into something waist high only stops the bottom half, so he catapulted and landed on his back, in the back of the ute, braking his arm, cracking some ribs and getting a moer of a rope rash. I think the worst past was also that the rope caught the back of his jocks and gave him a wedgie. A 40kmph wedgie nogal while running at 50kmph. Not good. He is still bitching about this more than his arm.

Kylie just carried on driving straight to hospital, dropped him and called me. Said something about going to pick up her passport and then going somewhere. Gazza off work but cannot pay XBox with 1 hand so gutted.

Someone got home early

This is a picture of Gazza in the local newspaper. He swears it was a dare but we think otherwise. He says the fact that he has not cut his toenails for almost a year helped. All I could say was CLEVER DICK.

The Husband got home early

On second thoughts, maybe not that clever, as that’s why he was out there in the first place. Gazza says it was worth it and he would definitely try it again.

Sex on the Bonnet?

It’s Tuesday after a long weekend and I am seriously gatvol. Can’t wait for the weekend again.

More kak this weekend. We had a party Sunday at Kobus’s house. Kobus comes from a reasonably conservative family to say the least and having a party on Sunday was not easy to organise. In fact it was not really a party, more like some mates coming around for fellowship, which involved beers and chicks and which then involved music (We always said there would be music to his mom, just didn’t tell her we wouldn’t be singing) and no one told Gazza (Our token Aussie) not to put the details on his Facebook page, so it got a little out of hand. Fortunately different cops this time, so I was not recognised.

Anyways, Monday morning Kobus’s mom goes out early in her car which is a Volvo. I had a very sore head, told Kobus’s dad I thought it was something I ate, maybe the boerie, which went down like a piece of boerie in a Vegetarian restaurant because he had in fact made the boerie. Anyway, after a short embarrassing silence we said we were leaving and walked out as Kobus’s mom arrived home.

I noticed some scuff marks on the bonnet and made the point she should not wipe dust dry on the bonnet as it could ruin the paint. I then also noticed Gazza had some dust on his hoodie top. I was about to say “Gazza, do not wipe the car with your top China” She didn’t even notice and said to Kobus she thinks someone passed out on her car bonnet and it is disgusting that people drink that much. I agreed, but my head was bloody sore. Gazza starts pissing himself and says “Kobus mate, were you shagging on your mums car?. That was when the boerie landed on the barbie for Kobus’s mom. Her mouth dropped, face turned grey and I could see the kak train pulling into the station, faster than a train should.

Evidence of sex on Volvo bonnet

I started laughing and snorting through my nose. I think 1 of my sinuses actually popped out. I pretended to be sneezing and turned to run, but the throbbing hangover temporary blinded me and I ran straight in front of the neighbour’s car, who was pulling out of his driveway and had to brake. I swerved to avoid getting run over, but given my state of mind I was still thinking about the car even though my body had changed direction, and ran straight into a 100 year old fokken tree, and then fell backwards onto a small bamboo plant. Has not been pleasant sitting down today. Back to the story, in this half conscious state  I could here Kobus getting kakked on, bigtime.

Turns out it was Gazza and Kobus’s sister. He swears he tripped as she was walking past and they both fell onto the bonnet and that nothing happened. You be the judge…

$30 Million OzLotto Winner

Can you fokken believe it! I didnt win the $30 million Ozlotto draw and the Chinese man at the news agent swore I had the right ticket.I cannot even imagine $30 million, its would take 30 million years to make that money just from running Google Adwords on the Kaksak blog.

Anyway. good luck to the bloke that won. I heard he lives in the Inner West. With all that cash we thought, he needs to invest in something, what better investment is there than our business, Kaksak.com? We decided to find him, to enlighten him to this massive opportunity.

We thought about what we would do if we won the $30 million and decided we would head to the pool and chill out, check out the scenery and so on.

Anyway we headed down to Drummoyne pool and took a picture. Turns out it’s not as easy as we thought. Can you please have a look and see if you can see the OzLotto winner. Please email us if you can.

Spotting the $30 million Ozlotto winner

Cheers for any help you can provide in tracking down the winner.

The Kaksak Team