Tag Archives: christmas

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Merry Christmas with Limited Liability, yes folks thanks to all you lawyers this is where it has gotten to, the Kaksak hopes you are proud of yourselves. So here goes, it is the 1st of December so Merry Christmas* from all of us here at the Kaksak!

* The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

By accepting this message you agree to the following:

  1. The Kaksak recognises, acknowledges and respects the former owners of this browser impression being Google, but stuff them, we have you now!
  2. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, the responsibility of checking back for changes lies with you, the user.
  3. This message in no way encourages the consumption or use alcohol at any time and the Kaksak supports the responsible consumption of alcohol, especially if you are celebrating with your in-laws or on your own. If you are going to consume alcohol, this  should be done responsibly and in moderation, and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  4. This message does not encourage the consumption or over consumption of food, especially those that may be harmful to your health. You should consult a medical professional before consuming any foods outside of your regular diet. If you are a fat ass we cannot help that either. Eat less, shit more or burst!
  5. If as a result of reading this message you are encouraged to put up your Christmas Tree, the Kaksak accepts no related, ongoing liability related to the erection of the tree and associated decoration, no matter how bad they may be. Don’t be a tight ass, go buy new ones!
  6. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  7. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional.
  8. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  9. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  10. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  11. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak
  12. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted for injury that may or may no occur to the dog.
  13. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this limited liability blog post.
  14. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  15. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately
  16. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. Should you wish to make your experience carbon neutral, please donate $500 to the Kaksak and I will try and fart in a bottle for 24 hours.
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, Google compensation lawyers and see if one of them can read it to you.

Without prejudice

 

Christmas Greetings with Limited Liability

We wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all our festive readers but our lawyer said it had to be appropriate, so after much deliberation this is what we have been allowed to post, given the high levels of political correctness, our Government and all the litigation going around:

 

The Kaksak hereby wishes you a no obligation whether implied or implicit, environmentally conscious and sustainable, socially responsible, non racial, gender neutral, non denominational celebration of the summer solstice holiday and should you practice any traditions or religious practices at this time, without prejudice to these traditional or religious traditions or those who not not celebrate these traditions, that these may be in line with your expectations and those of the community.

The Kaksak would also like to take this unbiased opportunity to wish you all a personally fulfilling, medically neutral recognition of the onset of the locally accepted calendar year 2013 and apologise to all those communities who may celebrate the start of the year at a recognised different time. We acknowledge your right to do this and respect that right as a democratic and fair society. We also apologise for mentioning the year 2013 and acknowledge that the number 13 may be considered unlucky for some and that this could cause stress. Should this occur we suggest you consult a medical professional immediately.

By accepting this message you agree to the following terms and conditions:

  1. This message is subject to clarification and may be updated from time to time, without formal communication of any change
  2. This message does not encourage the consumption or use alcohol at any time. All alcohol should be consumed responsibly and in moderation and not before or while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment or trying to have sex, especially with yourself.
  3. Should you require counselling as a result of reading this message that these costs are for your account and the Kaksak will not be liable for any costs associated with this message. You should also just harden the f*&k up!
  4. This message may be revoked at any time by the Kaksak at his/ her sole?discretion. Yea baby, thats how it works when you have a blog.
  5. Any similarity of this message to any other messages at this time of the year is coincidental and unintentional and any queries with respect to this message should be directed to the Kaksak in writing in triplicate, via the appropriate channels within 7 days or reading this message.
  6. The above message is the intellectual property of the Kaksak and may not be copied, used or shared under any circumstances in any way, shape or form without he express permission of the Kaksak in writing. (Just kidding)
  7. The Kaksak warrants that this message is good for a period of 30 days, but does not imply the reader will feel any better or worse, or that any benefit will be received from reading this message in the first place, at all, ever or at any time in the future.
  8. There is no implicit or implied commercial benefit in reading this message. You have just wasted 30 second of your life. Accept it and move on!
  9. The Kaksak may make a really small amount of money from an ad impression related to this post, not expected to be more than 5c, and the user accepts that while this message is non commercial, commercial outcomes in a small percentage of cases may result for the Kaksak i.e. we might have money for beer.
  10. Should you wish to terminate your thoughts regarding the Kaksak, you can do this by sticking your finger in your nose and digging out your last remaining brain cell and flicking it at your dog. No liability however can be accepted, see 11. for this effort.
  11. Limitation of Liability: The Kaksak accepts no liability for the use, transmission, outputs, results, thoughts, inputs, decisions, relationships formed, relationships not formed, in any way whatsoever as a result of reading this message.
  12. Jurisdiction: Should there be a breach of these terms and condition, the Kaksak and you will attempt to resolve these in writing within 30 days. Should this not occur, the parties agree to mediation by a qualified mediator in Australia. If you still cannot agree you are most likely a tool.
  13. You accept that the reading of this and similar messages are a normal part of your daily activity at this time of the year and as such will not result in any unexpected outcomes, medical conditions, stress, happiness or otherwise, in any way whatsoever and should any of these occur that you will see an appropriate medical professional to remove the large cactus stuck up your backside.
  14. Non acceptance of these terms means you cannot accept the above message and you should forget it immediately. See 11.
  15. Some carbon may have been used in the creation of this blogpost. The writer had been eating chilli beans the night before. These were however captured in a bottle and will be recycled through the BBQ at a later date.
  16. In no way do we imply, suggest or recommend that you transgress or break any local or federal laws and in a way inconsistent with society standards. In no way do we cast any aspersions on the aforementioned society
  17. If for some reason you cannot read or understand these terms, you were most likely educated in an Australian school, given our global recent ranking in reading and writing and should contact the school you attended to ask for compensation. Google “compensation lawyers” for help. You hereby also agree that the Kaksak has a right to 10% of all net compensation received.

 

Without prejudice

The Kaksak

10 Worst Christmas Gifts of 2012

These were the worst gifts received in the Kaksak Household this year, in order of greatness:

  1. Overdue library book, awesome
  2. Hand me down undies from dad, need I say more
  3. Three pack of condoms from the ex, with the note “F… you and good luck dating in 2012”
  4. After shave from Gazza. In small letters on the back were the words “Free sample”
  5. Homemade coupon from Toula to do the dishes 1 night only in 2012
    You live here you idiot…
  6. Combined ear and nose hair trimmer. Aah, thanks mum
  7. Fake iPod which was DOA and gave my laptop a virus!
  8. Ham sandwich, WTF?
  9. Homemade porno of Gazza, by himself. Still trying to get the visuals out of my head!
  10. Keyring digital picture frame, which fell apart when opened.

Hopefully you got a new BMW, Ducatti or something from the Apple store. Christmas is now done, whats up for New Year?

 

Merry Christmas everyone

Well the Kaksak is poor again this year. The Internet millions did not transpire and the rest was spent on beer, steak and potatoes. Gazza didn’t eat the potatoes because of his issues with the Irish and I think caused the first reported case of scurvy in Bankstown since 1932. More on that later.

Anyway, it has been a busy 2011 as you would have noticed the lack of recent posts, the need to keep my day job and lots of Internet action going, as well as  lots of partying, not to mention the RWC in Middle Earth. As a result we are staying home in beautiful Bankstown, or kaksak land as the local mayor calls it.

Thanks for your support this year.

So, with that we wish all our readers a Merry Christmas and a happy new year and hope 2012 is a successful and entertaining year. And ofcourse don’t forget to keep on reading the funniest South African Blog in the world.

 

Christmas Meal preparations

The Kaksak just realised its not long to go to Christmas, and given this is on a Saturday and we only stop work this weekend, you’d better get started this week on preparing all your Christmas meal ideas, all you have ever dreamed of, and more. But first….

Don’t forget the tree. You cannot prepare a Christmas meal unless you have a suitable decorated Christmas tree. We did ours below, but at 2am when you think this is a good idea there are not many 2 dollar shops open to get Christmas decorations from, so innovate. Here is our tree.

Using cans as Christmas decorations

Next, remember its not just inside, but outside that also must relect the Christmas spirit. So make sure you decorate the outside of your house appropriately. This will ensure all of your Christmas recipes turn out excellently. Ours are below:

Santa lights on roof

OK, now you are ready for the Kaksaks Christmas meal ideas and preparation.

Firstly, you will need a turkey. Not Gazza’s mate Richo, a real turkey.

Gazza got ours, not sure where, but it is a big bird. Now how to roast a turkey. Easy. If you want to be real fancy, get some fries from Maccas, go just before you are ready to serve so they are fresh and decorate the turkey with these.

Next you will need some pud. We kinda like Pav here. (Pavlova for the bogans reading this). How to make Pav is here. Individuals Pavs are best then each has there own and there are no fights and trips to the hospital like last year.

A pic of Gazza making the Pav. We don’t have many cooking utencils here. This will be in the fridge for the week.

Mixing ingredients using home made mixer

Other than that, make sure the VB and box wine is cold. Prepare your toasts and then eat until you cannot move no more.

Enjoy your Christmas decorations and Happy Christmas to all of you our readers. Always remember to drink responsibly and remember those less fortunate than yourself. Merry Christmas.