Tag Archives: chuck norris

Chuck Norris Jokes

OK, based on the success of the last Chuck Norris joke listing, we found some more Chuck Norris facts. Top 50 Chuck Norris facts from around the world, are….

  1. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger aired in France, the French surrendered just in case
  2. The “Black Eyed Peas” used to just be “The Peas” before they messed with Chuck Norris
  3. Chuck Norris puts his pants on like the next person, except while he is putting his pants on, he is fighting North Koreans
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
  5. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull
  6. Instead of a cigarette after sex, Chuck heads out and brands cattle
  7. Chuck Norris once round house kicked someone so fast they actually got younger
  8. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubiks cube and shit it out solved
  9. Chuck Norris came up with the idea of the Total Gym after bench pressing his penis and realising it was too heavy and he needed to work his way up
  10. Eve was created by the rib of Adam and Chuck Norris from one of his balls
  11. Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
  12. Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person
  13. The are 2 ways to do things, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris Way. The wrong way involves more round house kicks to the head
  14. Superman wears a Chuck Norris T shirt
  15. After Chuck Norris visited the “Virgin Islands”, they are now just the “Islands”
  16. Chuck Norris used to appear on Sesame Street until one day Miss Piggy ate his sandwich. Many Muppets died that day.
  17. Chuck Norris ends his relationships with “Its not me, Its you”
  18. Chuck Norris takes a baseball to the toilet with him in case he craps out a wild cat and has to beat it to death
  19. When Chuck Norris gives you the middle finger he is showing you how many seconds you have to live
  20. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  21. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before dad did
  22. The movie Anaconda was filed in Chuck Norris’s pants
  23. When you open a can of whoop ass, Chuck Norris jumps out
  24. When Chuck Norris wife asks him to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat
  25. Chuck Norris once played Jenga and the result was the empire state building
  26. Chuck Norris clogs up the toilet when he pisses
  27. Chuck Norris can turn off the light and be under the covers before the room gets dark
  28. Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one
  29. Terrorists recently tried to hijack Chuck Norris private jet. This has been recorded as the farthest a cowboy boot has even been stuck up someones arse
  30. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack and his heart lost
  31. Chuck Norris answers the phone and says “Go”, which is a cue for you to start running for your life
  32. Chuck Norris was once on wheel of fortune. He went first and the next 29 minutes were awkwardly spent waiting for he wheel to stop spinning
  33. The truth hurts a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris
  34. When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken
  35. When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian
  36. Chuck once lit a fart while camping in what was then known as the Sahara Forest
  37. Chick Norris can kick a fart back into an ass
  38. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’s PC will crash
  39. Ghosts are caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than death can process them
  40. Before going on stage, Chuck Norris breaks someone else’s leg to give him good luck
  41. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil
  42. Chuck Norris can kill you in more ways than you know how to die
  43. Once a Cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the Cobra died
  44. Chuck Norris once thought he was stuck between a rock and hard place, but then realised he was standing between 2 mirrors
  45. Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
  46. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard, only another fist
  47. Chuck Norris makes onions cry
  48. Chuck Norris once ate a bad Paella in Italy and the result shit became what we now know as Africa
  49. When Chuck Norris farts it smells like freshly baked Cinnamon Rolls
  50. Chuck Norris  donates a lot of blood, just not his own

The Kaksak is actually quite similar to Chuck, you could read either Chuck Norris or, the Kaksak above…

Chuck Norris and the Kaksak

The best selection of Chuck Norris jokes. Sent in by a loyal reader and slightly edited:

  • Chuck Norris once ate a whole birthday cake before his friends told him there was a stripper in it
  • When watching Chuck Norris do a roundhouse kick in slow motion, he actually gives them 1 in the ass, washes his hands, then has a smoke and  then roundhouse kicks them in the face
  • Chuck Norris was once in a gun fight and the gun lost
  • Chuck Norris house does not have doors, just walls he walks though the walls
  • The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not square Chuck Norris the result is death
  • Chuck Norris eats steak every meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow first
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
  • Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decides what time it is
  • Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It is what Chuck Norris calls a pile of dead ninjas in his front yard
  • Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 345 kph for the Australian grand prix, without a car
  • Chuck Norris wears a rattlesnake as a condom
  • When the Terminator (Arnold) said “Ill be back” he was actually going to ask Chuck Norris for help
  • The first law of physics is that energy cannot be destroyed…. unless it meets Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris once shat blood. Just after he had eaten the 11,928 angry natives he had just killed
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris
  • Someone in history told Chuck Norris his roundhouse kick technique could be improved. Per the Wiki this has been recorded as one of the worst mistakes ever made in history
  • When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn’t drink formula, just Whiskey straight from the bottle
  • The full name of the UFC is actually the Ultimate Fighting Championship Non Chuck Norris Division
  • If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, you will die, if he misses the wind will tear your liver out…
  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects 1 lucky stranger to be round house kicked into the sun
  • TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion
  • The GFC was caused by Chuck Norris losing his first ever game of monopoly
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tele-marketer over the phone
  • They made Chuck Norris toilet paper but it was hopeless, it wouldn’t take shit from anyone
  • If you cannot see Chuck Norris you might be seconds away from death
  • Chuck Norris never sleeps, he just waits
  • Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper, then shat out Mister Miyagi and the Karate Kid followed by some Origami swans
  • Chuck Norris threw Neo out of Zion and now he is “The two”

We find these really funny, hysterics nearly resulted in us not finishing and Chuck Norris giving Gazza and me roundhouse kicks to the head. But wait, there has been an update. 50 more funny Chuck Norris Facts right here.