Tag Archives: Criminals

You know you are South African when….

You know you are South African when:

  • You as for the black peppar and get the Sowetan
  • You hall out a R100 note instead of your license when a traffic cop stops you
  • You hire a security guard when you park your car
  • You are pleasantly surprised when you return to your car and find it “still there”
  • You can do your grocery and in fact all shopping on the pavement
  • Crime is recognised a profession
  • You think using 1 kg of sugar, 4 loaves of bread and 6 litres of milk a week is normal, and you are single
  • You can double the value of your car by filling it with petrol
  • When the robots have turned green you wait an additional 30 seconds to let all the taxis finish going through
  • Driving at the speed limit makes you the slowest vehicle on the freeway
  • You have painted your cars registration on it’s roof
  • Prisoners and the Police go on strike
  • After you change lanes, you put on your flicker just so people know you are not weaving around without purpose on the highway
  • The words flicker, bakkie and robot all mean things in the traffic world
  • The law does not apply to the President
  • Crime is not crime, unless you are caught
  • Toll free numbers do not get answered
  • When you get frustrated with an call centre employee they will put the phone down, even though you might have been on hold for 20 minutes in the first place
  • You think your t-shirts, undies and in fact all clothes are magic. They go from laundry bin to ironed in the cupboard in the same day

Oh how I miss the good old days….

Only in Australia

It is not often I write personal posts, but I had to share this story….

As in one of my prior posts I said we  had a spot out in the jewel of the west, Bankstown. Anyway last night me and some china’s are watching Super 14, Reds v Chiefs when we here some noises at our back door. Lights were off at the back. I yelled “We are watching the fokken rugby” and jokingly said “Take what you want and go, just dont interupt the rugby, oh and watch out for the braai it may still be hot”. In Aus, they can sue you for shit like that, when people are on your property, even uninvited and they hurt themselves, streuth. Things were quiet for awhile then I heard something in my bedroom, fibro walls are thin chinas and you can hear stuff through them. So still glued to the screen I walked backwards down the passage until I got to my bedroom door, expecting a lost possum or the neighbours cat. Aussie doesnt have crime like in SA, and as as I check into my room, just a glance so as not to miss any rugby I check 2 hooded figures at bedside table.

I wasnt sure whether missing some of a super 14 game or having some intruders was the greater crime. Shit, I also remembered I had only condoms and some of those leopard skin handcuffs in the drawer. They were not mine, a friend of mine left them there and he got them by mistake in the mail, its a long story for another time.

In Bankstown we have a reputation to uphold and as South Africans even more so. Usually we rob the robbers, just to make a point. “Hey” I shouted, “Im going to moer both of you until your kak turns blue I shouted”. I wanted them to piss off so I could go back to the rugby, but now that I think of it, I was at the only door and the windows have serious bars on them and I forgot the shutters on the outside were also down and locked..

The 2 froze, I glanced back at the TV down the passage, and said it again. “Wat fokken maak julle? Im going to moer you both hard, until your kak is purple”. “Hey, Shut up Bliksim” came my support group from the lounge, the bastards.

A girls voice responded. Mate, blue or f…… purple, what the f…. do you want. (Sorry we don’t swear on this blog). Outraged I turned to them, Wat de fok (I usually abuse people in Afrikaans, its more  expressive) do you want in my draw, condoms or handcuffs? Mate, you a f….. copper? came the response. “Maybe” I said, now looking through the door at 2 people in the slightly darkened room, both wearing hoodies from Lowes and sunnies. F… nose what they could see.I also knew the drol was firmly in the drink water as it is not very very often that chicks find themselves in my bedroom, and not for a lack of trying.

Can a ou not watch the rugby and drink a beer in peace? “Hey! my cousins”, I shouted to the oaks in the lounge, “Fok off” they shouted back, “Chicks in the house” I shouted back. Next thing, 2 seconds in fact there was 5 of us at my door checking out the 2 chicks in hoodies with sunnies standing next to my bed with the bedside table drawer open.

Dude, where did you get the cuffs said Gazza (Token Aussie friend, he’s a plumbers assistants mate). The one chick started crying and said something like “now we f….ed” through the tears and other just checked us out. “WTF are you doing in the house” she said in a deep westie accent, which was actually kind of sexy. “Ahh, we live here”, 2 of us said back. “Oh” she said.

I felt sorry for them. “Listen girls, we are watching the rugby, youse look like you could do with a drink, want to join us? But you can’t steal anything OK?” “Sure” said the big chick.. The hoodies and sunnies came off. The one was kind of OK, nothing a couple of beers wouldnt sort out and the other, after some dental work was quite cute. Anyway we had a great time, they stayed over and 1 of my housemates is still dating the the one with buckteeth, but then he is no Mona Lisa himself, and she is trying to kick the heroin habit for the second month now. Kylie the other chick still visits when she is spaced out and doesn’t want to go home to the boyfriend and kids.

As they say in the classics, all is well that ends well. My mate is also now the proud owner of the handcuffs.

Only is Australia I say. Bankstown, you never know what opportunities good or bad are around the corner….

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