Happy New Year or just New Year, depending on how you are feeling today. Some of the unconfirmed worst jokes of 2012 to get you into just the right mood for 2013.
Last night I dialled 000 by mistake, so had to set the house on fire not to look stupid!
I had sex with a head ache. Hear that girls, no one died!!
To this day the bully at Bankstown high still takes my lunch money, but he does make a good quarter pounder
Called my drug Councillor last night. Couldn’t get through, they said he was on another line…
When you are married you can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina
Im good at remembering facts. There are 3,500 types of lice and that’s just off the top of my head
I’m have a recycling party next week. Bring your own bottle…..
Running away from your problems doesn’t help, unless you are fat
The Cod population has dropped significantly. Clearly they are taking a battering
Elvis my pet mouse died. He was caught in a trap…
An Apple fan walks into a bar, orders the same drink and pays more than yesterday
I asked the air hostess. Can you telephone from this plane Of course she said, a plane is a big thing with wings!
The air hostess said. Would you like Head Phones. I said, how did you know my name was Phones?
Got up at 6am. Did Yoga, called a friend and had salad for breakfast. Then suddenly I found I could no longer drive…
I got in touch with my inner self today. Last time I buy cheap toilet paper from K Mart
I said to my GF. Before we met I was promiscuous. She said, Thats OK I love Greek Mythology
When it comes to online dating. Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer, men are afraid of meeting someone fat!
The Olympic Russian body builders have iPads strapped to their arms..
I nearly forgot to update my status after Id been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been..
Took a ring into the pawn shop to sell. They said “Is it stolen?” I said “Hell no”. They said: “Whose finger is that then?”
Suicide is not the answer. She insisted it was. We lost trivia night by 1 point!
My wife says the breast implants make her uncomfortable. I think I look sexy!
I tried to give my office perv a high 5 yesterday. She swerved it, so I did a cart wheel to avoid looking like a complete dick…
The world is US$6 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe this to?
Horse walks into the pub. The barman says “So why the long face?”
My boss noticed me nodding off in a meeting. He said “Not getting enough sleep?” I said “Yes, the meetings are shorter these days”
An over the shoulder stare and lip lick is highly seductive, unless you are having your prostrate exam!
When having your prostrate exam, just be sure the doctor does not have both hands on your shoulders!
We were really pissed last night. Cooked the meet pies at 15 degrees for 180 minutes.
Just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the road drinking beer. Its either a grim reaper party or someone’s cat is actually dead.
Quit while you are ahead my dad said. No wonder I was never any good at the 100m sprint
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you”. My first and last day as hostage negotiator.
“Bought a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if within 1 foot. Note to self, don’t keep in back pocket!
I will deal with you in my office. said the head master. I sold him half an ounce…
Want to buy my GF some London Bridge undies, I hear they keep falling down…
I want to find my GF some American undies. I hear 1 yank and they are off…
On the Internet you can chose to be anyone you want. Amazing how most chose to be complete assholes…
Given what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself…
Policeman stopped me and asked I I by any chance had any drugs on me. Said “Sorry mate, sold the lot!”
Oh, and best wishes for the New Year…