I smell a rat in our current parliamentary system, when it comes to the speaker. The Kaksak has found it and intend to deliver it. Just deciding where to, Alan Jones for comment or direct to the lodge, now that Julia has moved in. Help us decide….
This is fokken depressing. I have every Aussie I ever met telling how great their Rugby team is, the Hoodoo has been broken and how they always knew they would come good. After bagging them and Robbie out for how long now.
One lucky kick from the dude who caught the ball with his head and the Hoodoo is broken? I hear Everyone I know back in South Africa is blaming me for the national depression because I live in Aus. These things happen when you play in Bloemfontein, the ass of the earth. Actually it is not the ass of the earth, but it is so close apparently you can smell the ass of the earth from there…
And on top of that we are sitting here with the independents who can’t make a decision, but won’t admit they can’t because they know if there is another election they will be out of a job. So we sit here with a caretaker Government all on full pay, doing fokol, cavorting around in Jets (The environmental footprint conveniently forgotten), and doing talk-fests. In Africa, there are no talk-fests. If you stand in one place and talk too long, they will steal the microphone, your papers and the clothes off you back.
So we at the Kaksak, representing the small section of society we do, and considering the community focus and concern we have, have after conducting thorough research identified the real issue as “the bush”.
This election is all about “the bush”. These are the unsubstantiated rumours and facts
- Bob Brown has had a mandate. Lets leave it at that
- Tony has spent more time in the bush than Julia
- Bob K and Tony W are passionate about the bush and apparently spend a lot of time there, both at home and in Canberra
- Rob O does not venture into the bush much, his electorate are largely retired
- The Greens like the bush, the more the better
- Ultimate the bush always has the balance of power, especially if the parliament is hung.
I think I speak for most of us when I say we would all like to spend more time in the bush, but jobs, the stresses of living in the city and the X Factor all mean the bush is far less accessible than it used to be.
So next time you are in the bush, think about Bob, Rob and Tony, and keep the dream alive. These “bush” men went from unheard of’s to the Prime Minister sucking up, promising the World.
As youse all know, the Australian Federal Election is near and it looks like it is going to be close. As we at the Kaksak are alwasy conscious of our civic duties we decided to sit down with our recently purchased Castle Lager and discuss the policies of the various parties to help you, make the right decision on election day. Looks like it is going to be a tight race between labour, Julia Gillard and the coalition, Tony Abbott. The Greens are on the sidelines and likely to stay there.
We sat and scrutinised the policies and funding announcements for the election and came up with the following 10 things:
Julia Gillard (Single chick who believes in nothing):
- She is gatvol of the kak tradesmen in this country and recently announced addition funds for apprentices
- Not really politics but we were interested in who she cries out to while having sex, given she is an atheist and all
- No kids, has time to download movies and play on the Internet, thus wants a faster broadband network
- Is trying to fix our traffic issues by paying unemployed people to move out of town. How much marijuana can you buy for six grand. What on earth are these people going to do in regional areas? Start a small business? They were unemployed and unmotivated to start!! She is a city gal and wants the riff raff out.
- Likes water sports. Shes buying every pond and river she can. If she owns them she can ski on them I guess.
- Needs fashion advice, in fact a complete makeover. Please stop the pant suits, yes your bum looks fat in them
- Is not going to get asked to pose in Sports Illustrated
- Got voted by the readers of Zoo Magazine with a 4,230% majority that they would rather see Elle in Zoo than Julia even though they think they are the same age. Apparently many readers were so worried, they voted twice.
- Will start a war with whoever if there is PMS involved. So East Timor, pull yourselves towards yourselves or it you piss her off at the wrong time, you will all be drinking VB and supporting the Wallabies before you can say “Orangutan”
- Is not considering having kids ever and thus supporting a smaller Australia and has done away with the baby bonus
Tony Abbott (Boxer and Budgie Smuggler) :
- Doesn’t watch porn, he doesn’t want a faster broadband network
- Needs an accountant to make the books balance
- Thinks some of his colleagues are nuts and has allocated more funds to Mental Health
- Want everyone else to watch porn, as he is doing away with the filter
- Doesn’t believe that billions of people and their cars are having an impact on the environment
- Has named his feet, so he knows which one is in his mouth
- Thinks he can fix Afganistan, after he had a deeper look at the health issue
- Sorry, ran out of interest about here…
Gazza is worried, as he cannot decide. if he votes for labour he can download oodles of porn at a kakstink speed, but the the Internet filter might hamper the sites he can access. If he votes for the Liberals which he has never done in his life, and mentioned his gradfather and his grave briefly then he will get less porn, but no filter. Tough decision, he is chewing his nails. I mentioned that currently we only get 3 MB per second and thus under the coalition he would get 12MB per second and that as a human he can only process so much porn in one day before he pulls a bicep or gets arrested, but I think he is still deeply divided on this issue.
We then did a straw poll, to get real peoples opinions:
- Kylie wants whoever will give her the most money to have kids, can’t read that well so is relying on Gazza who is making shit up, to get her in the sack. Ive told him, “n nag se plesier, levens lank probleme” but he won’t listen
- Davo, was too pissed too comment and said he wanted the Eels to win
- Mikey asked what the parties were again?
- Steve said that he will ask his mum, cos she reads a lot, which reminded him he needed to fetch her glasses as they were being repaired after she sat on them about 4 weeks back and now realised why she had been calling him so much and that he had better start taking the calls
- Ng said neither party was suitable as both did not support a larger Australia and he wanted to bring his extended family out
- Koos reckoned, after a long drag on the bong that if he could vote, he would do something he had never done before, but given he is a new man in a new country, he would vote for the ANC…
- Gus said, and I quote “Aw mate, oil hav to see on the day, depends on how Im feelin that day. Cant make these decisions too early in the game”
- Soola thought a long time and then said she would vote for whoever Gazza was voting for
- Alex refused to stop playing Playstation to discuss the matter.
So bottom line is, I think we are all in the Kak as far as the next election goes….
We have a new PM, a woman as well, first time ever and a Leftie at that. Or so Ive heard down at the pub, which is full of Westie Lefties, so they should know. I know this also because they are never at work, think the pub should provide free beer as well as health insurance and are outraged by how little beer they can buy with their dole money.
The boys club in Canberra must also be kaking themselves, the changes have started in earnest, and Im not talking policy here. On her first day in the job, Sky News was reporting SIGNIFICANT and UNEXPECTED change in Canberra, both within Parliament and outside. Such big news, the Kaksak went to investigate:
The traditional greeting of a handshake between Prime Minister and Opposition Leader has been a handshake for over 200 years, was changed as Parliament resumed this morning.Below is a re-enactment of Julia greeting Tony outside parliament house. (Warning, do not try this at home). Julia later said during question time that PMS was not a factor and this is how she greets all the men in her life who she really respects.
In the afternoon session when Tony Abbot got up to speak, the Speaker, or Mr Speaker as he affectionately called stopped proceedings thinking there was a mouse loose in the house, but then realised it was Tony Abbot starting question time.
MasterChef, a favourite amongst politicians had their new posters up all over the place.
Julia also this afternoon made a couple of calls to her old mates who did the school reno’s, got them to Canberra quick smart and $4million later the toilet in Kevin Rudd’s old office was more to her liking.
We all know of the so called Canberra mile. More porn than the rest of Australia combined. Same stuff different night in Canberra last night, with some subtle changes. That is not Kim Beasley on the table in case you were wondering, he is the US Ambassador. it is John Faulkner, his new job as a result of Rudd support. Stephen Conroy is out of view collecting empty glasses.
Finally, late this afternoon the Brumbies got to show off their new uniforms for next season.
Last we heard was that the cabinet was off to see “Sex and the City” tonight and then early to bed with a slab of chocolate and some nice herbal tea.
Which of these 2 countries would you least like to go to war with, and which would you most like to live in. This is a question on some South Africans minds. We at the Kaksak, being ever mindful to help people decided to disect the national anthems of both countries to help you decide, so you can be the judge, we have put the power back in your hands. Community services from the Kaksak.
Australian National Anthem interpreted for South African immigrants
Australians all let us rejoice – Let have a party, we love a good party, lets have a party yeah!
For we are young and free – Lots of good looking chicks around and most enjoy a root
We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil – We have lots of resources, but there is no cheap labour and working is hard, so selling the resources is the best road to wealth
Our home is girt by sea – We know this as we all live near the beach, and go there the whole time
Our land abounds in natures gifts of beauty rich and rare – Again, lots of good looking chicks
In history’s page, let every stage, Advance Australia fair – Our memory is hazy of who was here first, but now its all fair and lets look forward
South African Anthem interpreted for Aussies
Uit the blou van onse hemel – We will come from the heavens above
Uit die diepte van ons see – We will come from the depths of the ocean
Oor ons evige gebergtes – We will come from over the mountains
Waar die kranse antwoord gee – Even the fokken cliffs will hear us coming
Onse sal antwoord op jou roepstem – You call us, we come
Ons sal offer wat jy vra – We will come, no shit
Ons sal lewe one sal sterwe – and bliksem you, or die trying
Ons vir jou Suid Afrika – For you South Africa, Jacob, Julius, Nelson and brothers
Never let it be said the Kaksak does no community service. I now know where I would rather live and who I would rather play rugby against.
Oliver Tambo airport, the day after our friend Julius Malema becomes President.
The F3 debacle this week is nothing new, its been getting worse and worse to the point of it now being ridiculous.
Rescue services have a job to do but they do not seem to give a shit about the folk stuck in the cars and act like there is no hurry. Because they are working you should sit and rot in your car. They only have a duty of care to the accident victims and those involved. Well about time someone wakes up. I see the head of the RTA has been stood down. WTF, so he was doing nothing before, and now he gets to not even have to go to work and still gets paid. Why can I not find a job paying $360,000 where I do not even have to show up. We at the Kaksak have had enough.
I can understand why Kristina Keneally has spent $100,000 on travel, I would not drive either if it took 11 hours to get from Sydney to Gosford. She is the Premier, she has the information, she knows better and why not fly if us poor taxpayers are paying, well you guys anyway have to pay for it, we don’t pay much tax in the Kaksak office it is against our religion. Any way, nothing small about our premier, Private jets nogal. As they say, everything is bigger and better in America., or is she Canadian? Gazza just corrected me I understand she is from Adelaide, explains the accent and everything else. Like screwing up the bus routes so I pay more. I should actually refer to it as the bus root, but that is another story.
Anyway, Toula, Gazza, Slick and Kylie all sat down and decided to propose our own management strategies for the F3. Obviously the RTA is incapable of coming up with any, so why not tap into the smart people from the Kaksak and get plans that will work. So here is our plan. We are happy to share it publicly and not take credit. Just as long as all those central coasters can get out of Sydney quickly, that will be fine. Strange people from there man…
So here we go. 3 Key strategies for the RTA to fix the F3.
1. F3 Communication Signboards
Tell the masses WTF is going on. Be honest with the delays, tell it like it is. No spin. We use this example from our brothers in the United States on how they communicate with drivers as to exactly what is happening in the traffic and who caused the issue.
2. Make alternative plans for those in need
These guys were stuck for 9 hours without a MacDonalds, Kentucky or Hungry Jacks in sight. Mac on the left suffered sever distress after not eating and had to receive counseling after arriving in Gosford. After some intensive feeding on 16 Big Macs and a Chicken from Red Rooster we think he is going to be OK. But in a television interview on Channel 7 filmed by Simon Fuller, he said he is never going to travel to Sydney again and is going to spend more time at his favourite Poker machine at the Gosford RSL to recover. He is also exploring opportunities with Slater & Gordon as to who to sue, as he thinks he lost 1 kilogram during the incident and feels the stress has affected him and he lives now in fear that he might be more than 2 minutes away from a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was going to sue for lost income but realised his dole payment will still be the same anyway.
His girlfriend is also upset as the stress has caused him to loose his sex drive and she is also demanding compensation for this and hopes the state government will step in to help. She would drive through to Sydney to see Kristina Keneally about the matter but is too scared to travel on the F3 again, and could not confirm whether she could fly by private jet at taxpayers expense but that felt that was only fair. So if you are going to keep people sitting in their cars for 9 hours, there should be McDonalds and coke for all, quick.
3. Give Priority to Priority Vehicles
Some traffic is more important than others. Those backpackers heading to Byron Bay cannot be without Zol and booze for long periods of time, so give them the right of way. Those having affairs also need to get where they are going fast. Very unromantic and mood spoiling to be sitting in a car for that long without doing anything naughty. Also gets uncomfortable when the spouse calls you only have the car kit to talk on. They have Formula 1 rooms waiting, being charged by the hour. let them through. Also we cannot forget the politicians, the very people who cause this, should have access, with press to be photographed waving to the people saying “We Care” and under their breaths, only about popular opinion and opinion polls, has anyone got a baby for me to hold?
Finally, don’t forget the rich people and celebrities. Usually easily identified as they drive BMW’s and Mercedes Benz’s, they should of course get right of way. For a fact BMW drivers do own the road, so it it’s theirs let them use it first. Heaven forbid any wealthy person should have 10 minutes of their time wasted. Also don’t forget the celebrities like Facebook boy and Ricki Lee who always have to look glamorous.
So for the rest of us. We felt it appropriate to share the best things to when stuck in a traffic jam, almost like the traffic jam checklist for Holden and Ford drivers. Remember the BMW and Merc drivers will be long gone.
Things to do during a F3 traffic jam
1. Phone ahead while you can (in the first 2 hours), let them know you will be late. 9 hour traffic jams are going to outlast your iphone battery, trust me
2. Hide all your tissues and water. After about 4 hours these will become extremely valuable. You can sell them, but hold out, selling too soon will not maximise their value. Setting your price too high can also result in rioting and injury. Only do this if you are a trained auctioneer or drug dealer.
3. Do not get out and try to hitch. Trust me it is not going to work at any time
4. Phone and complain about something. After 6 hours you will be in the right frame of mind to have the long overdue discussion with the bank about bank charges
5. Admire the engineering and beauty of your ’86 Hyundai. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
6. Listen to the morning, lunchtime and afternoon radio show on TodayFM. If you were pissed off before this will put you over the edge. Good time then to call the bank, or even people who may owe you money
7. After 8 hours, call your mother-in-law and tell her what you really think of her
8. Think abut your last sexual experience. If you are over 50, it was probably not expected, went on far too long and the end was an anti climax. Much like the F3 traffic debacle on Monday
9 Constantly remind yourself how lucky you are. Things could be worse, you could be living in Melbourne
10. After 10 hours, get out of your car, if you can walk. Find a large rock and take a bite out of it and chew. This will help stop you committing violent acts against police, firemen, RTA officials or politicians who may be in the vicinity.
So onward and upward NSW, the best place on earth to live. Serve you all right for trying to leave and go to the Coast.
Im sorry, I only make political statements in extreme cases, but
Julius Malema is an idiot….