Tag Archives: Rugby World Cup

Can you speak South African?

Can you speak South African? After this weekend you might want to learn. On Sunday the mighty Bokke play the footloose Wallabies in what could be a RWC final game if the Wallabies hadn’t screwed up and lost to Ireland. The Kaksak thought it a good idea to educate you all on speaking South African in Advance of Rugby World Cup world domination…

  • You call a traffic light a “robot”.
  • You call an elevator a “lift”
  • You call the front of the car a “bonnet”
  • You call the back of the car a “boot”
  • You call a ute a “bakkie”
  • You say something is nice when it is “mooi” or you “smaaked it”
  • You call your brother “broer”
  • You call a barbeque a “braai”
  • You call your friends “China’s”
  •  “Safe” is a way of responding to a greeting
  • You can refer to talking as “tuning”
  • The word “skaap” is also a term of endearment
  • You can say “Howzit” instead of “Hi, how are you going?”
  • You call shit “kak”
  • When you threaten someone you say you will either “moer” or “bliksem” them
  • You refer to a bunch or group as a “klomp”
  • You say throw as “gooi”
  • You say “just now” in stead of I really don’t give a shit but sometime in the future
  • You refer to rugby as “THE game”
  • Another word for turd is “drol”
Try mixing and matching.
  • For an All Black fan you might say – Don’t tune me grief, jou drol your team is kak.
  • To a Wallaby fan, after Saturdays game you might say – Don’t worry China, Ill have you over for a braai sometime.
  • To an English fan you might say – Hey skaap, put you kak in your boot, don’t stop at any robots and go back to England…..
  • To a South African fan you might say – Howzit broer, I smaaked the game.
  • To a Irish fan you might say – You klomp drolle, us is going to moer you. In fact we will bliksem you and your team for beating the Wallabies and screwing up the entire Wold Cup..
Good luck with your new found wisdom but use it wisely.

 

New Eye Chart

All this watching of the World Cup on the TV and then live has left me horse and with poor eye sight. Squinting through the freezing weather and rain trying to watch the Bokke score tries. Went to see a Kiwi eye doc, this is his chart. Very effective, my eyes are fine now. I was so impressed I asked him if I could keop a copy.

Revised eye chart

Go the Bokke and the Wallabies and do I hear a choking sound. Just hope it doesn’t happen before I leave Hobitville.

PS: You are probably wondering how to increase the resolution of your screen. Being the ever helpful Kaksak. It is Control +. Not that I tried…

RWC – Are you Ready

Well Im off across the ditch to visit the place where the Kiwi’s come from. I say that because they all love to live and work in Australia. Other than when the rugby world cup is on ofcourse. Im also going to see if I can spot the Boknaai in training, try buddy up to Bakkies and Victor and commiserate with Bismarck. Ofcourse all this will only be possible if the boknaaing QANTAS staff do not strike,  although I hear it is the customs guys that are striking so I might even be able to sneak a little something over with me to aid in my enjoyment of the RWC.

Things I will not be doing in New Zealand:

  • Enough said:

No Sheep Shagging Sign

  • The naked Haka…

Nude Haka

  • Calling Ritchie MCaw gay
  • Telling the “All Blacks are like a bra” joke, lots of support but no cup! or “WHat do you call 15 Kiwis in a room watching the RWC final? The All Blacks, or Did you hear thieves broke into the All Blacks RWC trophy room, the NZ police are now looking for a cabinet and a carpet?
  • Looking for hobbits
Wish me luck.

     

    The Bokke Celebrate

    The Bokke are befok, they beat their near neighbours, the Namibians by a shitload. Yes truly.

    The camp was so happy, some high antics were enjoyed. Unfortunately for you the X Factor TV series was filming nearby, when they heard the Bokke celebrating. They asked what X Factor the Bok team had, this was what they came up with, their new secret weapon, a winger to replace Habana called “The Boknaai”. He is not that fast, but almost impossible to stop and once dragged 23 men over the try line with him. The entire opposing team, 6 of his own players, the ref, a linesmen and a streaker who was as they as in the wrong place at the wrong time. From his own 22 to the try line it took 12 minutes. Unfortunately he is also renowned  for back chatting the TMO and usually gets a lot of yellow cards.

    The Boknaai will probably make his debut in the quarters or finals. watch out for this fine rugby player. Pieter de Villiers had some anoying comment but we cannot remember it now.

     

    The Bokke X Factor

    Awesome, cant wait to the see him in action. The disguise was required to save The Boknaai from further public scrutiny.

     

    RWC Activities

    If you thought you were going to the the Rugby World Cup (RWC) 2011 to leave the girlfriends and chicks at home and maybe have some fun in New Zealand. Think again, the NZ funThings you cannot in in NZ during the RWC

    police, more noticeable a smart ass marketing agency with no interest in what the average tourist needs, is trying to ensure you have a sex free Word Cup. At least no sex with any Kiwi’s. We are thinking gay people might not see rugby as their sport of choice, but that that will be of no solace t the average visiting rugby fan. We understand the French supporters are cancelling in droves from this news and the English fans are not fussed as they don’t have sex anyway.

    For more information on this outrage you can read about the campaign to keep the Kiwi’s pure during the world cup and how unhappy some people are here. But then it hit us and we realised why the average Kiwi might not be to fussed about this campaign.

     

    Sheep Shaggers Unite

    So Im afraid if you are going to NZ for the World Cup, and not just to watch the rugby, this might be the best NZ has to offer for you…

    Slutty Sheep

    If you feel this news is just too much to take and you no longer want to attend the final or semi final, we are happy to work through this with you and attend on your behalf. Just contact us with the details.

    If you do however decide to attend regardless, just keep in mind the following tips:

    • Don’t make sheep jokes
    • Really don’t make sheep shagging jokes
    • Don’t mention the previous world cups
    • Don’t lend money to prostitutes, no matter what they say. They are not going to be able to pay it back , no sex no clients, no money…
    • The sheep thing really isn’t worth it, no matter what you hear!!
    • Book your ticket to NZ on Cathay Pacific.

    Remember there are going to be lots of grumpy big rugby supporters walking around. This is for your own safety.

    Rugby World Cup (RWC) Tipping

    Who will win the RWC? Answers based on analysis here

    The Rugby World Cup is coming shortly just across the ditch and we have been doing our analysis to determine how much our lucky readers can win with the right bets. We, like the New Zealanders love our rugby and also lie the New Zealanders love living in Australia. Our methodology and analysis included the following; IRB ratingshistorical performance, coaches, players and a vist to the Sangoma, who confirmed our analysis as well as gave us larger male parts, financial freedom, made us more attractive to chicks and cured us of HIV, all for ZAR 10. Bargain, except that we don’t have aids and he wouldn’t refund us.

    Back to the rugger and the World Cup predictions….

    Current IRB Team Rankings:

    1. New Zealand
    2. Australia
    3. South Africa
    4. England
    5. France
    6. Ireland
    7. Wales
    8. Argentina
    9. Scotland
    10. Samoa
    11. Italy
    12. Japan
    Current IRB rankings are no surprise and not a good indicator given the Northern and Southern Hemispheres have not had that many games. Samoa might be a dark horse having beaten the Wallabies recently, along with France and Argentina.

    Historcial RWC Performance

    1987 – Winner : New Zealand. Runners up : Australia, France and Wales

    1991 – Winner : Australia. First losers : England, New Zealand, Scotland

    1995 – Winner : South Africa. Runners up : New Zealand, France and England

    1999 – Winner : Australia. Runners up : New Zealand, France, South Africa

    2003 – Winner : England. Runners up : New Zealand, AustraliaFrance

    2007 – Winner : South Africa. Runners up : France, Argentina and England

    Points scored by team i.e. which team has scored the most points in the history of the World Cup include:

    1. All Blacks
    2. Wallabies
    3. France
    4. England
    5. Scotland
    6. SpringBoks
    7. Wales
    8. Ireland
    9. Argentina
    10. Samoa

    So the conclusions from this are:

    • New Zealand will most likely choke, but the fear of playing at home and the fact that they might all get deported to Samoa if they lose give an even chance of this going either way.
    • Australia following the pattern should be in the top 4, but too close to call for a win, plus the fact that they bring the average age in the whole competition down by about 10 years
    • South Africa, following the above pattern may not make the top 4, most like due to the fact that the players children can now run faster then they can, and they bring the average age of the competition up 10 years.
    • England, following the pattern above will not make the top 4, and most probably because it is highly likely they will riot, loot and trash their change room, only to be identified later from video footage and sentenced via social media.
    • France most likely in the top 4 but cannot win, they are still pissed about the Tour de France and may surrender to the HAKA before even playing
    • Argentina will only rise to the occasion if England is there, they still have a score to settle, but no good crying for them.

    Outliers who may fill the places should the Safricans and Poms not make it to the RWC finals include all the other teams. Just kidding, Argentina, Samoa and Scotland, most likely Samoa or Wales. The teams that definitely will not win according to our official RWC analysis are the USA and Russian rugby teams. While they may be super powers in their own right, this outcome we believe has a probability of less than fokall to none.

    So from our detailed analysis of historical RWC performance we include Australia, New Zealand and France as options. France most likely to only make the top 4.

    Coaches

    All Blacks : Graham Henry appointed 2003 , winning ratio 87%, as at Sept 2010

    Wallabies : Robbie Deans appointed 2007, winning ratio 55.8%, as at May 2011

    Springboks : Peter de Villiers, appointed 2008,  winning ratio 61% as at Sept 2010 (Only 2 wins in New Zealand)

    England : Martin Johnson, appointed 2008, winning ration of 46.88%

    France : Marc Lievremont, appointed 2007, winning ratio of form what we can see around 55%, happy to be corrected on this, recent losses to Italy!!

     Ireland : Declan Kidney, appointed 2008, as at January 2011, win ratio of 69%

    Wales : Robin McBride, listed as caretaker coach since 2009 with 2 matches played and 100% win record so far. Please update if you have newer info.

    So far from a coaching perspective, the clear winners seem to be the All Blacks, but they could choke, the Springboks and Ireland with the Wallabies as a dark horse. Robbie Deans is showing flair and innovation in the Wallaby back line at the moment but you still need good forwards to give a great back line the ball. These are lacking and small. The Bokke have a good forward pack but lack in the back line and their plays are the same as in the last World Cup. Pieter is relying on history. Graham Henry wants to go out on a high but will remain a grumpy old bastard no matter what the result. The French coach, Marc has some reputation to regain and Scotland coaching is in disarray.

    So from a coaching perspective the Kaksak likes the All Blacks and the Wallabies. also neither of these teams will be jet lagged.

     

    RWC Player performance

    Given some teams are newer than others and certain teams are still being finalised looking purely at scoring ability is not really accurate. Johnny Wilkinson is still the all time biggest points scorer in the RWC at 249 with Jonah Lomu still holding the record for 15 tries. So its off to the Sangoma.

     

    The Sangoma

    We were not convinced the Sangoma knew what the Rugby World Cup was or that he was genuine given he had his offices in Blacktown and spoke with a pom accent but he said he was from a spot in the Transkei where the boom grows 6 feet tall. Anyway, according to the Sangoma, he believes the following:

    The semi finals will be:

    Pool A : All Blacks and France

    Pool B : England and Argentina

    Pool C : Australia and Ireland

    Pool D : South Africa and Wales

    The semi finals will be the following rugby teams:

    Australia v England and Australia will win

    South Africa v New Zealand and New Zealand will win

    The final will be Australia v New Zealand and with probability of 82.5% the All Blacks will win and we will have to listen to loud Kiwis going on about how great their small little country full of sheep is. Watch for the upset. France are known for this and little is known about Wales.

    We qualify the advice from the Sangoma. He said his “bones” had been removed by Australian Customs as they were considered food stuffs and the fluffy dice he was using while from China via Paddy’s Markets he said had been conceived by a Great Chinese Warrior of equal standing to Dingaan. Also his animals skins were made from plastic and came from China. Again the fokken customs.

    Final Analysis

    Other outliers and options for RWC outcomes include:

    • The English team gets sent home early for looting (Probability: high)
    • The Wallabies get homesick, the young uns and want to come home and see mum (Probability: low, more likely mums will be on the sidelines and disrupt play)
    • The Springboks, given their age will forget where they are playing and arrive at the wrong stadium
    • The Samoans, because they are big m….f…..ers
    • Wales, because they are Welshmen….
    So sorry, folks but it looks like the game played in heaven is going to be played and won in Mordor and our hell will be dealing with the Kiwi’s for the next 4 years. Oh, and as usual don’t rely on us, we may be wrong because we are not sure if the Sangoma was really a Sangoma?