Tag Archives: rugby

The Bokke Celebrate

The Bokke are befok, they beat their near neighbours, the Namibians by a shitload. Yes truly.

The camp was so happy, some high antics were enjoyed. Unfortunately for you the X Factor TV series was filming nearby, when they heard the Bokke celebrating. They asked what X Factor the Bok team had, this was what they came up with, their new secret weapon, a winger to replace Habana called “The Boknaai”. He is not that fast, but almost impossible to stop and once dragged 23 men over the try line with him. The entire opposing team, 6 of his own players, the ref, a linesmen and a streaker who was as they as in the wrong place at the wrong time. From his own 22 to the try line it took 12 minutes. Unfortunately he is also renowned  for back chatting the TMO and usually gets a lot of yellow cards.

The Boknaai will probably make his debut in the quarters or finals. watch out for this fine rugby player. Pieter de Villiers had some anoying comment but we cannot remember it now.

 

The Bokke X Factor

Awesome, cant wait to the see him in action. The disguise was required to save The Boknaai from further public scrutiny.

 

RWC Activities

If you thought you were going to the the Rugby World Cup (RWC) 2011 to leave the girlfriends and chicks at home and maybe have some fun in New Zealand. Think again, the NZ funThings you cannot in in NZ during the RWC

police, more noticeable a smart ass marketing agency with no interest in what the average tourist needs, is trying to ensure you have a sex free Word Cup. At least no sex with any Kiwi’s. We are thinking gay people might not see rugby as their sport of choice, but that that will be of no solace t the average visiting rugby fan. We understand the French supporters are cancelling in droves from this news and the English fans are not fussed as they don’t have sex anyway.

For more information on this outrage you can read about the campaign to keep the Kiwi’s pure during the world cup and how unhappy some people are here. But then it hit us and we realised why the average Kiwi might not be to fussed about this campaign.

 

Sheep Shaggers Unite

So Im afraid if you are going to NZ for the World Cup, and not just to watch the rugby, this might be the best NZ has to offer for you…

Slutty Sheep

If you feel this news is just too much to take and you no longer want to attend the final or semi final, we are happy to work through this with you and attend on your behalf. Just contact us with the details.

If you do however decide to attend regardless, just keep in mind the following tips:

  • Don’t make sheep jokes
  • Really don’t make sheep shagging jokes
  • Don’t mention the previous world cups
  • Don’t lend money to prostitutes, no matter what they say. They are not going to be able to pay it back , no sex no clients, no money…
  • The sheep thing really isn’t worth it, no matter what you hear!!
  • Book your ticket to NZ on Cathay Pacific.

Remember there are going to be lots of grumpy big rugby supporters walking around. This is for your own safety.

Rugby World Cup (RWC) Tipping

Who will win the RWC? Answers based on analysis here

The Rugby World Cup is coming shortly just across the ditch and we have been doing our analysis to determine how much our lucky readers can win with the right bets. We, like the New Zealanders love our rugby and also lie the New Zealanders love living in Australia. Our methodology and analysis included the following; IRB ratingshistorical performance, coaches, players and a vist to the Sangoma, who confirmed our analysis as well as gave us larger male parts, financial freedom, made us more attractive to chicks and cured us of HIV, all for ZAR 10. Bargain, except that we don’t have aids and he wouldn’t refund us.

Back to the rugger and the World Cup predictions….

Current IRB Team Rankings:

  1. New Zealand
  2. Australia
  3. South Africa
  4. England
  5. France
  6. Ireland
  7. Wales
  8. Argentina
  9. Scotland
  10. Samoa
  11. Italy
  12. Japan
Current IRB rankings are no surprise and not a good indicator given the Northern and Southern Hemispheres have not had that many games. Samoa might be a dark horse having beaten the Wallabies recently, along with France and Argentina.

Historcial RWC Performance

1987 – Winner : New Zealand. Runners up : Australia, France and Wales

1991 – Winner : Australia. First losers : England, New Zealand, Scotland

1995 – Winner : South Africa. Runners up : New Zealand, France and England

1999 – Winner : Australia. Runners up : New Zealand, France, South Africa

2003 – Winner : England. Runners up : New Zealand, AustraliaFrance

2007 – Winner : South Africa. Runners up : France, Argentina and England

Points scored by team i.e. which team has scored the most points in the history of the World Cup include:

  1. All Blacks
  2. Wallabies
  3. France
  4. England
  5. Scotland
  6. SpringBoks
  7. Wales
  8. Ireland
  9. Argentina
  10. Samoa

So the conclusions from this are:

  • New Zealand will most likely choke, but the fear of playing at home and the fact that they might all get deported to Samoa if they lose give an even chance of this going either way.
  • Australia following the pattern should be in the top 4, but too close to call for a win, plus the fact that they bring the average age in the whole competition down by about 10 years
  • South Africa, following the above pattern may not make the top 4, most like due to the fact that the players children can now run faster then they can, and they bring the average age of the competition up 10 years.
  • England, following the pattern above will not make the top 4, and most probably because it is highly likely they will riot, loot and trash their change room, only to be identified later from video footage and sentenced via social media.
  • France most likely in the top 4 but cannot win, they are still pissed about the Tour de France and may surrender to the HAKA before even playing
  • Argentina will only rise to the occasion if England is there, they still have a score to settle, but no good crying for them.

Outliers who may fill the places should the Safricans and Poms not make it to the RWC finals include all the other teams. Just kidding, Argentina, Samoa and Scotland, most likely Samoa or Wales. The teams that definitely will not win according to our official RWC analysis are the USA and Russian rugby teams. While they may be super powers in their own right, this outcome we believe has a probability of less than fokall to none.

So from our detailed analysis of historical RWC performance we include Australia, New Zealand and France as options. France most likely to only make the top 4.

Coaches

All Blacks : Graham Henry appointed 2003 , winning ratio 87%, as at Sept 2010

Wallabies : Robbie Deans appointed 2007, winning ratio 55.8%, as at May 2011

Springboks : Peter de Villiers, appointed 2008,  winning ratio 61% as at Sept 2010 (Only 2 wins in New Zealand)

England : Martin Johnson, appointed 2008, winning ration of 46.88%

France : Marc Lievremont, appointed 2007, winning ratio of form what we can see around 55%, happy to be corrected on this, recent losses to Italy!!

 Ireland : Declan Kidney, appointed 2008, as at January 2011, win ratio of 69%

Wales : Robin McBride, listed as caretaker coach since 2009 with 2 matches played and 100% win record so far. Please update if you have newer info.

So far from a coaching perspective, the clear winners seem to be the All Blacks, but they could choke, the Springboks and Ireland with the Wallabies as a dark horse. Robbie Deans is showing flair and innovation in the Wallaby back line at the moment but you still need good forwards to give a great back line the ball. These are lacking and small. The Bokke have a good forward pack but lack in the back line and their plays are the same as in the last World Cup. Pieter is relying on history. Graham Henry wants to go out on a high but will remain a grumpy old bastard no matter what the result. The French coach, Marc has some reputation to regain and Scotland coaching is in disarray.

So from a coaching perspective the Kaksak likes the All Blacks and the Wallabies. also neither of these teams will be jet lagged.

 

RWC Player performance

Given some teams are newer than others and certain teams are still being finalised looking purely at scoring ability is not really accurate. Johnny Wilkinson is still the all time biggest points scorer in the RWC at 249 with Jonah Lomu still holding the record for 15 tries. So its off to the Sangoma.

 

The Sangoma

We were not convinced the Sangoma knew what the Rugby World Cup was or that he was genuine given he had his offices in Blacktown and spoke with a pom accent but he said he was from a spot in the Transkei where the boom grows 6 feet tall. Anyway, according to the Sangoma, he believes the following:

The semi finals will be:

Pool A : All Blacks and France

Pool B : England and Argentina

Pool C : Australia and Ireland

Pool D : South Africa and Wales

The semi finals will be the following rugby teams:

Australia v England and Australia will win

South Africa v New Zealand and New Zealand will win

The final will be Australia v New Zealand and with probability of 82.5% the All Blacks will win and we will have to listen to loud Kiwis going on about how great their small little country full of sheep is. Watch for the upset. France are known for this and little is known about Wales.

We qualify the advice from the Sangoma. He said his “bones” had been removed by Australian Customs as they were considered food stuffs and the fluffy dice he was using while from China via Paddy’s Markets he said had been conceived by a Great Chinese Warrior of equal standing to Dingaan. Also his animals skins were made from plastic and came from China. Again the fokken customs.

Final Analysis

Other outliers and options for RWC outcomes include:

  • The English team gets sent home early for looting (Probability: high)
  • The Wallabies get homesick, the young uns and want to come home and see mum (Probability: low, more likely mums will be on the sidelines and disrupt play)
  • The Springboks, given their age will forget where they are playing and arrive at the wrong stadium
  • The Samoans, because they are big m….f…..ers
  • Wales, because they are Welshmen….
So sorry, folks but it looks like the game played in heaven is going to be played and won in Mordor and our hell will be dealing with the Kiwi’s for the next 4 years. Oh, and as usual don’t rely on us, we may be wrong because we are not sure if the Sangoma was really a Sangoma?

Springboks v All Blacks (Tri Nations)

So the All Blacks are playing the Springboks and at half time the score is 60 nil to the All Blacks.

The All Black team, keen to get to the pub call Richie McCaw into a corner and ask if he will play the remaining half on his own, since he is the Captain so the rest of them can go down to the pub and have a beer and that he should join them after the game.

Richie agrees and 5 minutes after the end of the game he arrives at the pub as agreed. Dan Carter sees him and yells “What was the final score Ritchie?”

100 – 3 We won he yells back…

WTF! says Dan Carter. How did the Springboks get 3?

Ritchie looks a tad embarrassed and says sorry, I got sent off with 20 minutes to go….

Read our Rugby World Cup 2011 Analysis here…

World Cup Springbok Rugby Jersey

The Bokke have just released their new Springbok Rugby jersey for the 2011 Rugby World Cup. There was mixed reaction from the team with the front rowers and the back line players divided.

The front rowers think this will be hugely useful everytime there is a scrum (Think flash cards) and the wings and centres believe the jersey will be hugely useful out late at night in the pubs of New Zealand.

You decide:

 

Crouch Touch Pause Engage Jerseys
Wold Cup Springbok Rugby Jersey

 

Read our Rugby World Cup 2011 Analysis here..

Springboks v New Zealand in Auckland

We at the Kaksak offices are cautiously unoptimistic today. Hopefully Pieter has now learnt the full implications of jetlag and the Bokke have settled down and getting enough doodies.

From the Springbok camp:

Mr Matfield confirmed Bakkies has been behaving like a tourist given he is out of a job for 9 weeks and giving them all the shits. Every morning when they go to train early he hangs out the window in his singlet singing na na nanan na, and then plays on his Nintendo DS the whole day boasting about his high scores when they get back.

In preparation the bokke have been eating raw meat, and swopping stories of the 1995 world cup and talking about just how they are going to give one to the Kiwi’s. Actually this was before they went out partying on Saturday night, not sure what they have been talking about before the game this week. Certain roles have been handed out in the Springbok camp to ensure they can learn responsibility, like tackling and scoring.

  • Kakstripe Habana has also been doing the coffee run every morning, he is the fastest
  • Banana hands Burger is responsible for fetching lunch every day. He is the only one with big enough hands to carry 32 quarter pounders at once
  • John Smit counts everyone every morning, not only because he is captain but also because he can count to 15. Apparently the 6 reservers have been left behind now a number of times are are getting really pissed off
  • Bakkies counts the number of beers they all drink every night, apparently the limit is 3, Pieter is still figuring out who the guests are who drink the rest and leave without saying thank you
  • Mr Matfield tucks everyone in at night, Fok it, no wonder they cannot sleep…

From the All Black camp:

The All Blacks have got a new Haka including bending over and giving a brown eye and also pulling the finger at their opponents. Apparently a more contemporary version given the changes in society and the fact that the Haka was losing its following with the younger crowd. The suggestion that they were hoodies and ipods while doing the haka was however rejected by the New Zealand rugby board.

They have also been eating raw meat, in fact the whole sheep raw including the wool and bones. Apart from hardening up, I understand the farting is terrible and they have gone through 3 physio’s and the team doctor has resigned and claiming permanent lung damage. Air New Zealand while putting all the Kiwi team on the no fly list, has been bottling the stuff and testing it for use on military aircraft, given the US is now running their fighter jets on vegetable oil. The jets are flying 30% faster with no refining, and after a flyover 60% of the people below suffered some form of breaking problem. Unfortunately it was an outing from the local old age home so test are inconclusive and there has been little press coverage of the event for obvious reasons.

McCaw is happy with his teams performance and says he is “going to step it up a notch”. From last week!!

So we look forward to the kick off, 7:35 pm New Zealand and apparently Fiji time in Auckland.

Off to the bottle shop for my case of VB.

 

RWC 2011 analysis here…