Tag Archives: south african

Kaksak HR

I went to HR to raise the following key issues with respect to my work environment and fellow workers. In Australia these are key HR issues we should all be concerned about:

  • Not having a support for my wrist, when using the computer mouse. I requested a $160 gel desktop wrist support to avoid injury immediately.
  • A lighter laptop, as carrying my 1,7kg laptop is just too heavy, so needed a 1,5kg laptop. Happy to carry a heavy bag on my back but only at training which is my time. Also my laptop was already 6 months old. Unacceptable.
  • No ergonomic set up of my screen, chair, desk and keyword at work, a disgrace!
  • Having to pay for my own cab home after attending free work dinner and drinks on a night I would have gone out on anyway. Outrageous.
  • Denying my expense claim for coffees because I was in Melbourne and not Sydney. I drink coffee in Sydney, but FFS had to go to Melbourne for work!
  • Not getting a raise and promotion every 6 months. I am awesome!

The struggle is real so I took these to Kaksak HR. This was the response:

Who gives a rats ass

 

I deserve better. Working for South African companies suck!

 

 

You need a plan to live in Australia

After reading John Raath’s post called “You need a plan to live in South Africa” we at the Kaksak thought about what sort of plan you may need to live in Australia, if you were a South African.

We think John has missed out all the countries that are in fact not worse than South Africa and in fact had only considered the countries worse than South Africa as movable options.

Secondly he mentions the things that are special like mountains and wine and people and as such insinuates that there are no other beautiful countries in the world.

John, we at the Kaksak think you need to get out more.

Having said that, we do love the motherland, Biltong and ofcourse the Springboks and watch in sadness at some of the issues consuming South Africa at this time.

So back to Aussie. If you are a South African immigrant, here are the things you need to plan for in Australia:

  1. There are better places to live than Australia, but not many. So make your plan to get a job, permanent residency and then ultimately to become a citizen.
  2. Start enjoying water in the morning, coffee costs $5, yes that is R50 a cup.
  3. Find a Government department you haven’t been getting freebies from, and jump on the bandwagon.
  4. The resources boom is over, only property continues to go up. If you don’t own property, buy some. Be the best investment you ever make.
  5. Keep your savings in Australia, they tax the shit out of you otherwise. Actually they tax the shit out of you anyway.
  6. Make a plan to deal with the fact that your children will support the Wallabies and speak with Australian accents when they grow up and refuse to be seen with you when you wear your springbok rugby jersey
  7. Whinge, because it is un Australian not too.
  8. Make sure you buy beer and lots of it. There is no greater crime than running out of beer especially in summer. Warm beer is just as ugly.
  9. Biltong will cost $60 per kilo. Deal with it!
  10. Have a big heart, share your beer, not your biltong.
  11. If none of this resonates, consider moving to Tasmania.

You can read the original article “You need a plan to live in South Africa” here.

 And aside from that, enjoy the wonderful people, countryside, snow, mountains, Great Barrier reef and all the other wonderful things Australia has to offer you and your family.

head-in-sand

National Braai Day

Yes believe it or not Kaksakkers there is a national braai day. For those of you living away from the motherland, who are pissed off about the ref in the All Black rugby game 2 weeks ago, who think the Wallabies are going to get moered tonight and who love a braai, thisone is for you. Don’t get too emotional and patriotic, keep a steady hand and just remember Africa will always run deep in your veins, i.e. you can take an African out of Africa but never Africa out of an African, you will always remember having your bed made and laundry done every day, drinking Castle and eating boerie and tjops off a charcoal braai which magically cleaned itself and putting on the alarm every night and feeding the Rottweilers.

Go Bokke and here is the national braai video, officially endorsed by Jacob himself.

 

You know you are South African when…

We at the Kaksak find the following tests highly appropriate in case you are in any doubt as to whether you are South African:

  • Your employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are
  • You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any
  • Drying out perfectly good meat and eating it weeks later is considered a delicacy
  • You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them
  • You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela
  • You go to braais regularly, where you eat tjops and boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously
  • You know that there’s nothing to do in the Orange Free State
  • You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
  • Travelling at 120 km/h and you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway
  • You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
  • You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
  • You go to a wedding or other great event and watch the rugby and this is totally accepted and understood
  • You know a taxi can move twice it’s certified number of people in one trip
  • People are more terrified after 5 minutes in a taxi than appearing on a whole episode of “Supernatural”
  • To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
  • More people vote in a local reality TV show than in the local election
  • People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation
  • “just now” can mean anything from a minute to a month
  • You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction
  • You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it
  • A bullet train is being introduced, but the Government can’t fix potholes
  • The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
  • You paint your car’s registration on the roof and this is considered normal
  • Prisoners go on strike
  • Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high
  • You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa
Thanks for the contribution from one of our avid and favourite readers….

Help for Immigrants -Living in Australia

If you have recently moved from the South African platteland to Australia, you need help. The Kaksak is here to help immigrants, help you not get moered when you open you mouth for the first time on a Sydney street. Here we go:

Mate: Pronounced “meid”. This is not the lady who helps you clean the house and “shien jou in die gurajsh” is not appropriate. Use the word mate in the following context. “Does you watch rugby, mate?” If the answer is no, refer to “Ferry” below.

Root: Be very careful with this one, especially when in the presence of ladies. Saying something like “I’m looking for an alternate root” may get you a snot klap or lucky. Up to you to find out. A hint, root does not relate to directions and rooting is perfectly fine adjective to use in Australia.

Thong: Pronounced “fong” is not the local Chinese. Thong is a shoe, not a G String. So when you walk into the RSL and it says no thongs, don’t get excited this just means no slip slops. If the sign says casual wear, this also generally means, wear fongs. So when  you go to buy slip slops you can open with “I is looking for fongs” and be comfortable you will be shown the most popular and contemporary footwear in Australia.

Kaksak: A very sophisticated blog for South Africans living in Australia, not a shit bag. Using the word Kaksak in Australia will help build your networks and wine you lots of friends of the opposite sex. An opening line when you meet other South Africans might be “I was reading the Kaksak recently and see….”

Just now: Just say “See ya later”, you can also ad mate on the end, “See ya later mate”. Same difference. So when you buy a can of coke at a road side stall in Dubbo you can say “See ya later, mate” and leave with a clear conscience knowing you will never see that individual again, and they have considered you a “mate” for the 3 minutes of their life they wasted interacting with you.

A site for sore eyes: Tell Riaan the Kaksak sent you.

Boerewors Droe Wors Biltong

Bledisloe: Pronounced “Bleddie Slow” relates nothing to speed but is a game played between Australia and New Zealand and has nothing to do with the speed people drive on the high ways here, which is blerry slow…

Ferry: Pronounced Fairie. This is a boat. Full stop. Just don’t say, for example “Im going to catch a ride on a ferry tonight!”

The Labour party: Boknaaiers, nothing more to say here. Have you seen their carbon tax yet?

 

In Africa, you’d better be running…

If you are a Buck, you only have to run faster than the slowest buck to avoid becoming lion dinner. If you are a lion, you only have to outrun the slowest buck to catch dinner. The moral of the story is that when you wake up in Africa, you’d better be running…

Likewise if you are going to braai or BBQ as we sophisticated Australians call it in Africa, your camplight only has to outlast the darkness to avoid being eaten by a lion and likewise if you are a lion you have to outlast the gas in the camp light. Moral of the story is, if you go camping make sure you have lots of gas. Or maybe buck was on the BBQ, which was easier than cooking their own.

WTF?

Anyway, think this dude knew what was lurking behind him? Im thinking he had no idea.

Lions watching dinner

More Funny pictures here…