Tag Archives: south african

Cheap Castle and Amstel Lager in Sydney

Just visited my mate Riaan at the Lane Cove Springbok Butchery on Mowbray Road. Riaan is a rugby tragic and still refusing to support the Wallabies but aside from that he has cheap beer. Not for long.

He has left over Castle Lager cans and Amstel Lager cans at $45 per case. Cheapest South African beer in Sydney.

Have a Castle a day, 20 million South Africans can’t be wrong.

The Kaksak (Running on Biltong and Castle Lager)

The Vuvuzela, all you need to know and how to play one

The low down on the Vuvuzela, How to play it, the history, warnings and more:

1. Vuvuzela history

The Vuvuzela or stadium horn was first heard across the plains of Africa when 4 bushmen started kicking around a tumbleweed. The 5th bushmen, not having great ballsense, and enraged that the hunt had been interrupted by a senseless game when his family were hungry grabbed the nearest Meerkat, ripped its mouth open, pursed his lips and blew as hard as he could up its arse. The Vuvuzela was born.

We see the modern day version shown below….

Red Vuvuzela

2. Vuvuzela facts:

  • The sound from the horn is 131dB(A)  and around 113dB(A) around 2m in front of the horn. 30,000 of them blown simultaneously can be heard faintly in outer space.
  • The sound has been compared to stampeding elephants, pissed off locusts or a heard of buffalo, all  running through your bathroom at 3am
  • If you cannot blow a Vuvuzela, it generally sounds like a sick warthog farting
  • Vuvuzela’s are great for spreading germs like colds and flu, even better than sneezing and shouting
  • If a Vuvuzela is played next to you unexpectedly, there is statistically a 94.6% change you will kak in your pants. This rises to 99.4% if you are not at a soccer match and death may occur if you were alone in the middle of the Kalahari or in a sound proof chamber
  • Do not by any means, no matter how pissed you are, think it is a good idea to try and blow it out of any other bodily orifice no matter how funny you think this might be at the time
  • After the game, you can use the Vuvuzela as a beer funnel. You can also stick the small end in the ground and piss into the other end, no one will ever know, just be sure not to use it again without washing, unless you have to prove to the cops you were not pissing in public. Anything toilet use, not recommended.

3. How to blow a Vuvuzela

To get the perfect sound out of the Vuvuzela the following instructions are given. We note these are aftermarket instructions and not those which are provided in the box the Vuvuzela is packaged in:

1. Firstly, get a Vuvuzela, most street vendors will sell these to you cheaply

2. Go to a soccer match or similar

3. Light up your bong and have a few drags and then suck in for around 20 seconds

4. Immediately down a quart of beer, preferably Castle Lager

5. Wait for 1 minute, this is to allow you to cough your lungs out or alternately puke, which is definitely not something that should occur when blowing into the Vuvuzela

6. Purse your lips, do not wrap your lips around it or put it in your mouth, purse your lips and make a farting noise, i.e. vibrate your lips

7. The Vuvuzela should then play beautifully, its one and only low monotone note. If you get really good you can inhale either though your nose or your arse and continue blowing out your mouth. The chances of getting moered by those around you increases dramatically if you can do this.

8. Finish blowing and look around proudly

Warning: Let your lips finish vibrating before having another suck on the bong, many shirts and jeans have been burnt this way and beer sprayed over the spectators in front which has resulted in the aforesaid moering for different reasons.

As a South African you can be proud you reign from the land that created the Vuvuzela and realise that sport and the human race is in deep shit as these will now spread around the world surfacing at every major sporting event for generations to come.

Get me outta here, I want more South African laughs

Australian and South African Anthems disected

Which of these 2 countries would you least like to go to war with, and which would you most like to live in. This is a question on some South Africans minds. We at the Kaksak, being ever mindful to help people decided to disect the national anthems of both countries to help you decide, so you can be the judge, we have put the power back in your hands. Community services from the Kaksak.

Australian Flag

Australian National Anthem interpreted for South African immigrants

Australians all let us rejoice – Let have a party, we love a good party, lets have a party yeah!

For we are young and free – Lots of good looking chicks around and most enjoy a root

We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil – We have lots of resources, but there is no cheap labour and working is hard, so selling the resources is the best road to wealth

Our home is girt by sea – We know this as we all live near the beach, and go there the whole time

Our land abounds in natures gifts of beauty rich and rare – Again, lots of good looking chicks

In history’s page, let every stage, Advance Australia fair – Our memory is hazy of who was here first, but now its all fair and lets look forward

South African FlagSouth African Anthem interpreted for Aussies

Uit the blou van onse hemel – We will come from the heavens above

Uit die diepte van ons see – We will come from the depths of the ocean

Oor ons evige gebergtes – We will come from over the mountains

Waar die kranse antwoord gee – Even the fokken cliffs will hear us coming

Onse sal antwoord op jou roepstem – You call us, we come

Ons sal offer wat jy vra – We will come, no shit

Ons sal lewe one sal sterwe – and bliksem you, or die trying

Ons vir jou Suid Afrika – For you South Africa, Jacob, Julius, Nelson and brothers

Never let it be said the Kaksak does no community service. I now know where I would rather live and who I would rather play rugby against.

CB Radios

I met with Hennie to have a serious discussion. After telling me he would blog, he has done shit. Anyway his contribution was the following:

What was your handle in the 80’s when CB radio’s were legal. His was apparently “Tin Opener” and he was raving about his seatcover at the time.

What was yours? I guess you have to understand this to share?

What Bafana Bafana need to win the Soccer World Cup

We at the Kaksak, being the soccer experts that we are decided to evaluate Bafana Bafana chances of winning the World Cup. Our methodology included the following:

  • Case of VB
  • Getting some of the cousins around
  • Talking sport for 2 hours
  • All aspects of Bafana Bafana’s current game analysed using the XBox
  • The last 10 wins of Bafana were analysed to see what made them the winning team. We could however get all the tapes, they were not televising games that far back and some of the beta tapes would no longer work

We came to the statistically horrifying outcome, that to win Bafana Bafana would have to adopt 1 of the following 2 strategies:

Strategy 1 : Some minor changes to the new Soweto stadium as follows:

New proposed soccer firled for Bafana to win world cup

Strategy 2: A new team, selected below

New proposed Bafana Bafana World Cup Team 2010

We believe that logistically strategy number 2 will be far easier to implement. We have forwarded both option to Jacob for consideration. Remember where you heard it first.

Soccer World Cup South African Style

So Gert, who I used to be at school with and who has finally come out the closet and Im not talking hide & seek sent me some updates on how World Cup 2010 preparations are currently going. I understand they classify everything under various categories, so to keep it simple, so here goes on the update.

1. Stadiums

After scouring South Africa for months at tax payers expense in 2006 , careful placements were made to ensure the appropriate people were enriched and that fields would be ready for 2010. The official in charge of this was Mr Happy Ngungungluvu. Unfortunately when construction of the soccer field started in late 2009 another empowerment deal had already been done for a large dam in the place of the field. When they contacted Mr Happy Ngungungluvu on the matter he said “I am not Happy”.

The soccer stadiums are ready

So, the stadiums are ready, this is where the the second round games are due to be played. No spectator stands were possible due to the final angle the stand would have sat at and the fact that all material was stolen in the 2 weeks this assessment was being made.

2. Safety and Police

Safety played 2 parts in the World cup. Firstly the safety of the workers was taken veru seriously on all the construction contracts. Below is an example of just how seriously onsite safety was taken. When Mr Reggae Molefe was interviewed, the first words were “You got something to eat my bra” he takes safety so seriously, he wil not even chance working without eating.

On site safety a priority for workers

The second safety strategy was around the safety and security of the fans. Only the best of the best were selected from the local police to ensure the highest levels of safety stayed in place for the duration of the World Cup. Below one of these cadets get put through his paces on the shooting range. Unfortunately the reporter on this specific piece was shot accidentally shortly after this photo was taken in the foot by the range instructor. Investigations are continuing.

Police cadets getting trained

3. Public Transport

Public transport is essential to ensure all those lucky fans attending the world cup can move around and get mugged, as after the loss the World Cup is going to make, other means are required to get more money into the economy and to the “people” The initial public transport strategy was put together by Wheels Machlaba in 2002, 2003, 2005, 2008 and eventually Julius Malema intervened to get this right and recommended the “Peoples Taxi” as shown below. A cheap form of transport, easily put together and which will bring out the entrepreneurial spirit among all South Africans. The first prototypes are shown below.

Public transport in action

4. Celebrities

After scouring the world for celebrities to attend, many of which were unfortunately busy, the South African Government invited many of the local celebrities to attend, only requiring proof of ID. Michael Jackson is thrilled that he will be attending, some of the guests were very surprised to see him on the guest list but when contacted the manager responsible for celebrity endorsements, Gladys van Rooyen confirmed it was definitely Michael and he would be in attendance and then faxed through his passport to prove it.

Local celebrities

5. Cheerleaders

For the first time, proper cheerleaders will support each of the foreign teams. They were selected in 2005 and won “all you can eat” Kentucky vouchers valid until the end of the world cup. Estelle, pictured below on Durban beach was thrilled and is looking forward to supporting the various foreign teams. She says of the outfits are quite raunchy and when she saw them all she could say was “Jisllaaik, is dit a G string of a tassle?” but after several practice sessions and resizings, she is ready to put it all out there and is hoping to pic up some photo shoots in Sports Illustrated for the August edition.

Soccer Cheerleaders for the World Cup

So South Africa is good and ready. The beer is cold, the Zol is dried and Bafana Bafana have got no hope and no chance of winning the cup. The Kaksak would have loved to have attended but has fokol scheldt and fokol tyd.

You might be Julius Malema if

You might be Julius Malema if….

  • You refer to “mum” as Comrade
  • The “Struggle” is getting your ass out of bed every morning
  • You have managed to buy a multi million dollar mansion and a Range Rover on a public sector salary
  • The radio stations cannot mention your name without laughing
  • Robert Mugabe has invited you to Christmas Dinner
  • You don’t want to go to dinner with Robert Mugabe as there is no Heineken in Zimbabwe
  • You believe all whites are “bastards” or “agents”
  • White people doing empowerment deals to enrich you are not “bastards” or “agents”
  • You understand what a three thirds majority is
  • You would rather kill yourself than commit suicide
  • You have your own youtube hit..
  • there are 302,000 pages on the Internet with your name and the word “joke” on them

Keep up the good work, one of these days we will put you into the Kaksak Hall of Fame, a dubious but high honour. You can read all the best Julius Malema quotes here.