Tag Archives: South Africans

Kaksak HR

I went to HR to raise the following key issues with respect to my work environment and fellow workers. In Australia these are key HR issues we should all be concerned about:

  • Not having a support for my wrist, when using the computer mouse. I requested a $160 gel desktop wrist support to avoid injury immediately.
  • A lighter laptop, as carrying my 1,7kg laptop is just too heavy, so needed a 1,5kg laptop. Happy to carry a heavy bag on my back but only at training which is my time. Also my laptop was already 6 months old. Unacceptable.
  • No ergonomic set up of my screen, chair, desk and keyword at work, a disgrace!
  • Having to pay for my own cab home after attending free work dinner and drinks on a night I would have gone out on anyway. Outrageous.
  • Denying my expense claim for coffees because I was in Melbourne and not Sydney. I drink coffee in Sydney, but FFS had to go to Melbourne for work!
  • Not getting a raise and promotion every 6 months. I am awesome!

The struggle is real so I took these to Kaksak HR. This was the response:

Who gives a rats ass

 

I deserve better. Working for South African companies suck!

 

 

You need a plan to live in Australia

After reading John Raath’s post called “You need a plan to live in South Africa” we at the Kaksak thought about what sort of plan you may need to live in Australia, if you were a South African.

We think John has missed out all the countries that are in fact not worse than South Africa and in fact had only considered the countries worse than South Africa as movable options.

Secondly he mentions the things that are special like mountains and wine and people and as such insinuates that there are no other beautiful countries in the world.

John, we at the Kaksak think you need to get out more.

Having said that, we do love the motherland, Biltong and ofcourse the Springboks and watch in sadness at some of the issues consuming South Africa at this time.

So back to Aussie. If you are a South African immigrant, here are the things you need to plan for in Australia:

  1. There are better places to live than Australia, but not many. So make your plan to get a job, permanent residency and then ultimately to become a citizen.
  2. Start enjoying water in the morning, coffee costs $5, yes that is R50 a cup.
  3. Find a Government department you haven’t been getting freebies from, and jump on the bandwagon.
  4. The resources boom is over, only property continues to go up. If you don’t own property, buy some. Be the best investment you ever make.
  5. Keep your savings in Australia, they tax the shit out of you otherwise. Actually they tax the shit out of you anyway.
  6. Make a plan to deal with the fact that your children will support the Wallabies and speak with Australian accents when they grow up and refuse to be seen with you when you wear your springbok rugby jersey
  7. Whinge, because it is un Australian not too.
  8. Make sure you buy beer and lots of it. There is no greater crime than running out of beer especially in summer. Warm beer is just as ugly.
  9. Biltong will cost $60 per kilo. Deal with it!
  10. Have a big heart, share your beer, not your biltong.
  11. If none of this resonates, consider moving to Tasmania.

You can read the original article “You need a plan to live in South Africa” here.

 And aside from that, enjoy the wonderful people, countryside, snow, mountains, Great Barrier reef and all the other wonderful things Australia has to offer you and your family.

head-in-sand

Happy to be South African

If you are happy being South African clap your hands, if you’re happy being South African clap your hands…. and know this. There is never a dull moment in Africa and here are the pictures to prove it from last weekend.

I left my mother in laws after Sunday breakfast, got back to the car and what do you find. A moerse Python in the engine keeping warm. No problem, you swing it by the tail over the fence and then lag as the neighbours all come climbing over the wall screaming.

python in engine compartment

 

 

 

Even the beggars are innovative in Africa. Checked this one on the way home. Slipped the brother R10 for effort alone! He said “it’s true boss they even handcuffed the cow and put it in the van” and I said Ja boet!

African man with sign

 

 

You get home and what do you fine? A hippo passed out on the patio. Blerrie drunk partying hippos. You don’t tolerate hangovers where I come from. So you gatskop the hippo until he goes back to the river and you tell him next time not to drink so much on a Saturday night.

drunk hippo on patio

 

 

Next you head down to the pool and kak, there is a giraffe having a goef. This is bullshit you scream, “kry die fok uit my swembad”  and again once the langnek is out you gatskop him back to the river, going past the hippo and giving him an extra one for good measure.

giraffe jumping out of pool

 

After all of that I head a headache. Where better to go than a NHS approved doctor who can sort out not only my headache but assist with salary increases, erections and many more ailments at a fraction of the cost.

witch doctor offices

 

There you go, you live in Africa you better have a sense of humour.

Finally drink driving is OK as long as its done right. You can never remember where you went or how you got there so the end result will be the same. Not to mention the invisible car…

drink driving ok

 

 

 

 

South African Innovation – How to queue

South Africans are highly innovative and this usually stems form the need to do the least with the most return, in fact doing nothing at all is actually good and if you can do less than nothing that is ideal. Just take the simple act of lining up. South Africans have excelled in recent years and have received numerous awards for their innovation in managing queues. From the Kaksak research laboratory, we found various cultures queuing in ther natural habitat and then have the vastly superior South African queue. You be the judge.

In America, queuing for the favourite national past time:

American fast food queue

 

 

In Britain we found the best queues at the airport, long lines of polite people I dare say all wanting to come to Australia:

British immigration queues

 

Outside the Kaksaks house this is usual scene 7 days a week:

kaksak-waiting-line

Meanwhile in Africa, this is how it is done:

South African innovation in queuing technology

 

So far this is working remarkably well, except for Kobus Vermaak who arrived at the Department of Public Works in Pretoria to renew the permit for his Venter trailer not wearing shoes. He passed out after 2 days of waiting and even tried using a koki pen to mark his feet and then imprint them on the plastic floor, but as the queue moved and he could not keep up with the rubbing out and the remarking. He passed out from hunger and dehydration, apparently calling for a boerewors roll and a spook & diesel repeatedly.

He was eventually resuscitated by Ms Treasure Tshabalala one of the clerks at Public Works trained in first aid. Some suspect Kobus was pretending to be passed out at one stage even though he was not really while getting mouth to mouth from Treasure, but some witnesses say Treasure was sitting on Kobus so he could not move even though he was awake. Anyway this is a matter for the courts now and Kobus  broken ribs are healing nicely. Kobus has since bought 4 more trailors and is now a regular at the Department of Public Works, sometimes passing out after only 1 hour…..

National Braai Day

Yes believe it or not Kaksakkers there is a national braai day. For those of you living away from the motherland, who are pissed off about the ref in the All Black rugby game 2 weeks ago, who think the Wallabies are going to get moered tonight and who love a braai, thisone is for you. Don’t get too emotional and patriotic, keep a steady hand and just remember Africa will always run deep in your veins, i.e. you can take an African out of Africa but never Africa out of an African, you will always remember having your bed made and laundry done every day, drinking Castle and eating boerie and tjops off a charcoal braai which magically cleaned itself and putting on the alarm every night and feeding the Rottweilers.

Go Bokke and here is the national braai video, officially endorsed by Jacob himself.

 

Tsotsi Terror – We want compensation

After reading this Gazza reckons he has had the same thing happen to him since Toula (his girlfriend) put on 45kg.  He has been reliving the same nightmare. He said this is caused directly by the carbon tax and now wants compensation. Gazza is going to check out his member on monday, excuse the pun.

The Unlucky Tsotsi

 

 

So, we the Kaksakke feel for you brother Isaac and hope you can fix this. Note this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Lucky Tsotsi in Darlinghurst. if they are watching, we still have not received our invites for free Castle, they must have got lost, please send more.

Enlarge the article, use Control and +. Only works on the article, nothing else…

 

Luck Tsotsi Shebeen in Darlinghurst

Well it had to happen sooner or later, a Shebeen had to open in Darlinghurst, (245 Oxford Street) of all places? WTF? My recollection of the Shebeens in South Africa are somewhat hazy, both smoke and alcohol wise and I remember very big beers there. In fact if you drank anything that came in a container less than 1 litre you got automatically ejected via the rear entrance by your ear. I also remember the prices were fairly low, given they were mostly illegal. So Im assuming the Lucky Tsotsi is both illegal and cheap if it is to follow in the footsteps of its African predecessors’.

I also expecting to see a couple of Hiace’s parked outside in disrepair and plumes of zol smoke bellowing from the windows, loud music playing on a really bad sound system, corrugated iron and string holding the place together and finally I should also be somewhat fearlful for my safety if this to be a true Shebeen experience. OK, maybe I just visited the upmarket ones…

I spoke with Gazza, we reckon they will have gone soft. There will be no smoking, fancy beer in small bottles, outrageous prices and a bunch of well behaved yuppies eating peri peri   chicken and maybe a small, neat starter of bunny chow.  The peri peri is probably not even that hot? OK, we are excited and pre judging this place. But it is in Darlinghurst not Bankstown?

Anyway, about time we had a Shebeen in Sydney, but why not Kings Cross or Bankstown I dunno? Always looking for an excuse to visit the Cross. The girls are friendly and its a bit of a skande, but in some of the clubs they don’t wear much either, so its definitely more interesting than the Bankstown RSL. I digress. So looking forward to popping into the Shebeen sometime when I have managed to save up enough dollars for the train trip, and if this happens we will report back on our experience. Does a Castle Lager really cost 8 bucks there?

Back to the Lucky Tsotsi, whoever he is. I asked Gazza if he knew what a Tsotsi was and he thought I was saying Tot siens badly, even though he is an Aussie he has picked up some of “die taal” along the way. Anyway I reckon the Tsotsi can consider himself lucky to be in Sydney and even luckier that the Kaksak has discovered his existence, maybe.

Does this mean I have to put my bed on bricks now?