Tag Archives: South Africans

Nude Cleaning

That’s right, you heard it first you can hire a nude cleaner, accountant, or whatever. Just have to live in Africa that is all. Gazza has identified some drawbacks to this service and we suggest you always pay with a credit card and check the Terms and Conditions closely. He has only tried this one and for some reason now prefers fully clothed options.

Nude house cleaner

Equal opportunity prevails in Australia. To do this right we believe the services we would like naked cleaning extended to, include:

  • Jockeys
  • Politicians, if you want to ask a question in question time, you should do it au natural. No more live TV coverage
  • Anything to do with fitness trainers
  • Company receptionists, age limits may apply here
  • Eastern suburbs yoga classes (These probably exist already)
  • The dustbin men
  • Anyone who works in marketing
  • Anyone with modelling experience, doesn’t really matter what they do

Exemptions

  • Pensioners
  • Hairy tradies who work up ladders
  • Lebanese people (We dig you and live with you, just don’t work around naked)
  • Regular McDonalds eaters
  • Anyone who works in accounting, actuarial science or with computers

 

Latest South African Nokia Phone

The Kaksak will keep you up to date with not only South African humour bit also the latest gizmos and gadgets.

Below is the latest mobile phone for the Johannesburg cell phone market called the (Call and Shoot). Clever integration of cell phone and 9mm pistol into a single device.

The phone also has hands free so you can still stay on the call while shooting, allowing the person you have called to be part of the action, or alternatively if you are speaking to your mother in law for example there is also a call hold feature which features relaxing music from the Klaxtons, that leading South African band of the 80’s while having your gunfight. The phone is also shock proof allowing several magazines to be fired in succession with little vibration to the phone itself. This is also important from the perspective of the user dropping the phone for whatever reason (We are not suggesting users will get shot in any way). The phone also has USB plug & Play for PC or MAC to upload or donwload contacts etc and as such can also be used with the Playstation 2 and X Box, but there are several warnings about using it this way after a couple of flat screens got shot.

Awesome device, but be careful and above all, the Kaksak suggests not buying this if you get easily confused.

.

In the R4000 mobile phone plan you get:

  • Unlimited texting
  • Up to $1,000 cap
  • 100 9mm high impact rounds (Copper jackets) and 10 9mm dum dums (scary bullets)
  • Training course (free). This is now mandatory after Klippies Odendaal shot his best mate while texting his wife to pick up more Klipdrift on her way home.
  • User manual (see below)

.

Picture of the Call and Shoot:

gun-mobile-phone-combo

User Manual – Contents

  1. How to turn your phone on and off  without injury (to yourself or others)
  2. Reloading – Sim card v Magazine, which goes where?
  3. The Safety Catch – What you need to know
  4. Where to point while Dialing and Texting
  5. Where to Speak while Shooting
  6. Avoiding Head Wounds when Answering on the run
  7. Why User Training is so important – Case studies
  8. Use tips – Avoiding liability, Flesh v head wounds, When to shoot first and call later, Reasons not to use the built in alarm clock and so on…

.

Benefits for the Call and Shoot Phone

  • When you get hijacked you only need to hand over 1 item rather than your phone and your gun
  • No need to buy those dorky belt phone holders, just use a shoulder holster for gun and phone
  • Be creative to get your gun/ phone back in tricky situations, like telling home invaders you need to call to get the safe combination, get your gun back and regain control
  • Good conversation starter, especially in business meetings . Works even better if the meeting is a negotiation…
  • RESPECT, in Western Sydney anyway

.

Warnings:

  • Do not use, especially answering when intoxicated
  • Turn the phone off when at the shooting range, or even just shooting at Klipdrift bottles on the farm
  • If you are having marital difficulties we recommend using a normal phone until these are sorted out
  • Do not lend to your teenage son or daughter

.

During our review, Clifford who did the review,  once raised the gun to his head instead of answering the phone and on 2 occasions tried to answer the phone instead of pointing it at the hijackers approaching his Toyota Yaris. No harm was done to Clifford or to any hijackers (who turned out not to be hijackers in both cases, Clifford is paranoid). Clifford felt the phone performed best at the Sunday afternoon braai, but advised putting it away early, as after a couple of beers someone always wants to shoot something, which is not good in the semi peaceful suburb of Randburg with many other gun owners in the neighbourhood.

Clifford also had some awkward situations like when he went in to buy ciggies, took a call and the shop keeper gave him all the money out the till, also during a random breath test on the Freeway and then when he was wondering around his garden on the phone and the next minute had the cops and his security company charge into his yard guns drawn and then didn’t want to drop the gun because he was talking to his boss.

Weigh up the pros and cons before you buy this baby….

Cheap Castle and Amstel Lager in Sydney

Just visited my mate Riaan at the Lane Cove Springbok Butchery on Mowbray Road. Riaan is a rugby tragic and still refusing to support the Wallabies but aside from that he has cheap beer. Not for long.

He has left over Castle Lager cans and Amstel Lager cans at $45 per case. Cheapest South African beer in Sydney.

Have a Castle a day, 20 million South Africans can’t be wrong.

The Kaksak (Running on Biltong and Castle Lager)

The Vuvuzela, all you need to know and how to play one

The low down on the Vuvuzela, How to play it, the history, warnings and more:

1. Vuvuzela history

The Vuvuzela or stadium horn was first heard across the plains of Africa when 4 bushmen started kicking around a tumbleweed. The 5th bushmen, not having great ballsense, and enraged that the hunt had been interrupted by a senseless game when his family were hungry grabbed the nearest Meerkat, ripped its mouth open, pursed his lips and blew as hard as he could up its arse. The Vuvuzela was born.

We see the modern day version shown below….

Red Vuvuzela

2. Vuvuzela facts:

  • The sound from the horn is 131dB(A)  and around 113dB(A) around 2m in front of the horn. 30,000 of them blown simultaneously can be heard faintly in outer space.
  • The sound has been compared to stampeding elephants, pissed off locusts or a heard of buffalo, all  running through your bathroom at 3am
  • If you cannot blow a Vuvuzela, it generally sounds like a sick warthog farting
  • Vuvuzela’s are great for spreading germs like colds and flu, even better than sneezing and shouting
  • If a Vuvuzela is played next to you unexpectedly, there is statistically a 94.6% change you will kak in your pants. This rises to 99.4% if you are not at a soccer match and death may occur if you were alone in the middle of the Kalahari or in a sound proof chamber
  • Do not by any means, no matter how pissed you are, think it is a good idea to try and blow it out of any other bodily orifice no matter how funny you think this might be at the time
  • After the game, you can use the Vuvuzela as a beer funnel. You can also stick the small end in the ground and piss into the other end, no one will ever know, just be sure not to use it again without washing, unless you have to prove to the cops you were not pissing in public. Anything toilet use, not recommended.

3. How to blow a Vuvuzela

To get the perfect sound out of the Vuvuzela the following instructions are given. We note these are aftermarket instructions and not those which are provided in the box the Vuvuzela is packaged in:

1. Firstly, get a Vuvuzela, most street vendors will sell these to you cheaply

2. Go to a soccer match or similar

3. Light up your bong and have a few drags and then suck in for around 20 seconds

4. Immediately down a quart of beer, preferably Castle Lager

5. Wait for 1 minute, this is to allow you to cough your lungs out or alternately puke, which is definitely not something that should occur when blowing into the Vuvuzela

6. Purse your lips, do not wrap your lips around it or put it in your mouth, purse your lips and make a farting noise, i.e. vibrate your lips

7. The Vuvuzela should then play beautifully, its one and only low monotone note. If you get really good you can inhale either though your nose or your arse and continue blowing out your mouth. The chances of getting moered by those around you increases dramatically if you can do this.

8. Finish blowing and look around proudly

Warning: Let your lips finish vibrating before having another suck on the bong, many shirts and jeans have been burnt this way and beer sprayed over the spectators in front which has resulted in the aforesaid moering for different reasons.

As a South African you can be proud you reign from the land that created the Vuvuzela and realise that sport and the human race is in deep shit as these will now spread around the world surfacing at every major sporting event for generations to come.

Get me outta here, I want more South African laughs

Only in Australia

It is not often I write personal posts, but I had to share this story….

As in one of my prior posts I said we  had a spot out in the jewel of the west, Bankstown. Anyway last night me and some china’s are watching Super 14, Reds v Chiefs when we here some noises at our back door. Lights were off at the back. I yelled “We are watching the fokken rugby” and jokingly said “Take what you want and go, just dont interupt the rugby, oh and watch out for the braai it may still be hot”. In Aus, they can sue you for shit like that, when people are on your property, even uninvited and they hurt themselves, streuth. Things were quiet for awhile then I heard something in my bedroom, fibro walls are thin chinas and you can hear stuff through them. So still glued to the screen I walked backwards down the passage until I got to my bedroom door, expecting a lost possum or the neighbours cat. Aussie doesnt have crime like in SA, and as as I check into my room, just a glance so as not to miss any rugby I check 2 hooded figures at bedside table.

I wasnt sure whether missing some of a super 14 game or having some intruders was the greater crime. Shit, I also remembered I had only condoms and some of those leopard skin handcuffs in the drawer. They were not mine, a friend of mine left them there and he got them by mistake in the mail, its a long story for another time.

In Bankstown we have a reputation to uphold and as South Africans even more so. Usually we rob the robbers, just to make a point. “Hey” I shouted, “Im going to moer both of you until your kak turns blue I shouted”. I wanted them to piss off so I could go back to the rugby, but now that I think of it, I was at the only door and the windows have serious bars on them and I forgot the shutters on the outside were also down and locked..

The 2 froze, I glanced back at the TV down the passage, and said it again. “Wat fokken maak julle? Im going to moer you both hard, until your kak is purple”. “Hey, Shut up Bliksim” came my support group from the lounge, the bastards.

A girls voice responded. Mate, blue or f…… purple, what the f…. do you want. (Sorry we don’t swear on this blog). Outraged I turned to them, Wat de fok (I usually abuse people in Afrikaans, its more  expressive) do you want in my draw, condoms or handcuffs? Mate, you a f….. copper? came the response. “Maybe” I said, now looking through the door at 2 people in the slightly darkened room, both wearing hoodies from Lowes and sunnies. F… nose what they could see.I also knew the drol was firmly in the drink water as it is not very very often that chicks find themselves in my bedroom, and not for a lack of trying.

Can a ou not watch the rugby and drink a beer in peace? “Hey! my cousins”, I shouted to the oaks in the lounge, “Fok off” they shouted back, “Chicks in the house” I shouted back. Next thing, 2 seconds in fact there was 5 of us at my door checking out the 2 chicks in hoodies with sunnies standing next to my bed with the bedside table drawer open.

Dude, where did you get the cuffs said Gazza (Token Aussie friend, he’s a plumbers assistants mate). The one chick started crying and said something like “now we f….ed” through the tears and other just checked us out. “WTF are you doing in the house” she said in a deep westie accent, which was actually kind of sexy. “Ahh, we live here”, 2 of us said back. “Oh” she said.

I felt sorry for them. “Listen girls, we are watching the rugby, youse look like you could do with a drink, want to join us? But you can’t steal anything OK?” “Sure” said the big chick.. The hoodies and sunnies came off. The one was kind of OK, nothing a couple of beers wouldnt sort out and the other, after some dental work was quite cute. Anyway we had a great time, they stayed over and 1 of my housemates is still dating the the one with buckteeth, but then he is no Mona Lisa himself, and she is trying to kick the heroin habit for the second month now. Kylie the other chick still visits when she is spaced out and doesn’t want to go home to the boyfriend and kids.

As they say in the classics, all is well that ends well. My mate is also now the proud owner of the handcuffs.

Only is Australia I say. Bankstown, you never know what opportunities good or bad are around the corner….

Get more of the funniest jokes on the Internet, around the corner.

You are a South African when…

You know you are a South African when….

  • You ask for the Black peppar and get the Sowetan
  • When stopped by a traffic officer, you pull out a R50 note instead of your drivers license
  • Crime is actually a profession
  • Traveling at the speed limit means you are the slowest vehicle on the highway
  • You have to hire a security guard when parking in public
  • You are still pleasantly surprised to find you car where you actually left it
  • You have your cars registration painted on the roof, and this is normal…..
  • You can go grocery shopping on the pavement
  • You can double the value of your car by filling it with petrol
  • When the robot turns green you wait for taxis to finish going through in the opposite direction
  • Both the police and the prisoners go on strike WTF?
  • The postal service is magic, most of it disappears
  • Most of the population believes showering after aids is an effective form of prevention
  • The excuse for the presidents latest love child is that he had not ruled our marrying her at some stage even though he is currently breaking the law by having 5 wives
  • You can call people “Baba” or “Chief” and its a term of endearment

How various countries deal with terrorist threats

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.”  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”  The last time
the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.”  They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced recently that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”  The only two higher levels in France
are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”  The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly”
to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”  Two more levels remain:
“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”  They also
have two higher levels:  “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere . . .

New Zealand has raised its
security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”  Due to continuing defense
cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
paper airplanes and the navy, some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s
bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
“Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”

Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be right, mate.”  Three more escalation levels remain:
“Crikey!,” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie (Australian for
barbeque) this weekend,” and “The barbie is canceled.”

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level…..

Get more of the best humour