Tag Archives: sport

21km Half Marathon running tips

So the Kaksak did the Blackmores Half Marathon last week and it has taken me until now to get the feeling back in my legs to walk over the the computer to post. As a result I thought I would share some of Gazza’s and my running training learnings. BTW I did finish but ended up running the soles off my bata takkies and the more serious folk were not happy that I had some old Safari Suit shorts on a vest and I did it in just under 2 hours. Sweated out a case of Castle in the first 20 minutes and then a box of Benson & Hedges for about another 30 minutes. I was literally smokin…Anyway, I digress from this running story and the resulting tips.

Half Marathon Training Tips

1. Have a training plan. Our plan was to run, nothing really more than that. But given how sore my ass was this week, felt like I had been to Mardi Gras but that is another story, I would suggest you train, at least a little. Bupa, yes that health insurance company has an excellent training app for the iPhone. Follow this program as some of the other sucks ups I know did, and you will do the race easily. Allow at least 12 weeks minimum to train. ASICs also has a cool running site which sends you emails. we eventually marked them as spam.

2. Try not to get pissed or do stupid shit the day or night before. Instead, eat a bowl of pasta, red sauce or no sauce only, the night before and leave it as that. Save the Maccas and Kebabs for another day. Beers do not count as carbs, sorry.

3. Carry some energy gels. The kakker you feel, suck on a gel. The Kaksak, suggests running the first 5km at least gel free and then no more than 20 minutes between energy packs, but read the instructions on the pack and don’t be a dumbass. GU gels in the strawberry/ banana flavour are the best of a really kak bunch. Have a gel, followed by water each time.

4. Wear whatever you are going t o wear on a run beforehand. Dont try new stuff, especially shoes and avoid compression pants, unless you have a compression issue. Over 2 hours wear of compression stuff is not that good. You will feel it. We highly recommend Lululemon. Costs an arm and a leg but lasts, and is moer of a comfortable. No Lulu Lemon shops in Bankstown, we had to go into the city. Was worried one of the boys would see me in there, but the shop is hidden away in the Pitt Street mall and ask for Holly, she is awesome and will help youse out.

5. Don’t forget the sun screen, serious.

6. Get a spibelt. About 30 bucks from Rebel but worth every cent. Put you gels, your iPhone and any other kak in there. They sit well and can hold a lot. Don’t leave home without it when you are running.

7. If you sweat profusely, take a small face cloth with. Its light to carry and can help clear the sweat as you run. Trust us on this one. You may look like a chop but at least you wont feel like one, covered in sweat.

8. Nipple issues. Try the Blister Bomber. Dab some on before the race and you will have no chafing. I guess you could use it for chafing anywhere really, up yo you. Try supplyfitness.com.au, they sell it in Australia. When the website is working.

9. If you are going to buy a GPS watch, the Kaksak highly recommends the Garmin 610. This is way too expensive for Gazza and I. Costs about a weeks wages, but is really cool for running. Speed, time, heartbeat, configurable and touch screen.

10. Take a towel and fresh shirt for when you finish. There is nothing worse than hanging out in your smelly wet running shirt with sweaty chicks. Actually there is, its hanging out in Bankstown, but hey, still.

So thats it, take it from whence it comes. But the Kaksaks running tips are guaranteed. If you use these, and cant run, send all the gear to us and we guarantee we will use them and run the half marathon on your behalf. Especially the Garmin.

 

 

 

 

The Olympics are done. What now?

Well the Kaksak has had a busy couple of weeks with the Olympics and all going on in London. We reckon the poms are going to go into a state of depression now that they no excuses for not working and have been able to do f#$# all for 2 weeks. Gazza and I decided maybe we could lobby for the next Olympics to be in Bankstown, but then after a couple of brainstorming beers, Toula klapped Kylie for not wanting to write the submission to the Bankstown Mayor, Gazza then dropped his lip with Kylie and stopped speaking, wouldn’t even ask for another beer so Tolla who is visiting from the farm klapped Gazza upside down for not telling him his toast was burning, so to the whole thing turning into a klapping olympics. snot klap, kop klap, gat klap I witnessed it all.

Anyway, not that the Olympics are done, this post is actually for the poms, 5 things you can do now that the Olympics are done:

  1. Try not to think about Penguins
  2. Try to swallow your tongue
  3. Act intelligent
  4. Pretend to be a leaf
  5. Beam yourself somewhere

OK, so now the Kaksak has wasted 30 seconds of your time, how about sharing some learnings from 2 weeks of lying on the couch watching Gazza drink VB after VB and smoke until late into the night on the kak Channel 9 coverage.

These are the 5 things we learnt, after 2 weeks of veging:

  1. White men can’t run
  2. Black men can’t swim
  3. Neither white men or black men can do synchronised swimming
  4. Stephanie Rice likes black men and white men
  5. Thanks f^$% for the sailors or our gold medal count would have been less than Lesotho’s

Given we have been sitting on our asses for 2 weeks, this is what Gazza got paid last week.

kaksak-payslip

So no VB, no rent and no nothing. OK, Lets watch Big Brother, probably know one of the housemates…

 

Springboks v All Blacks (Tri Nations)

So the All Blacks are playing the Springboks and at half time the score is 60 nil to the All Blacks.

The All Black team, keen to get to the pub call Richie McCaw into a corner and ask if he will play the remaining half on his own, since he is the Captain so the rest of them can go down to the pub and have a beer and that he should join them after the game.

Richie agrees and 5 minutes after the end of the game he arrives at the pub as agreed. Dan Carter sees him and yells “What was the final score Ritchie?”

100 – 3 We won he yells back…

WTF! says Dan Carter. How did the Springboks get 3?

Ritchie looks a tad embarrassed and says sorry, I got sent off with 20 minutes to go….

Read our Rugby World Cup 2011 Analysis here…

Australian Cricket Jokes

Shockers I know, but they were sent in, what can I say…

Q. What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?

A. A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky

Ponting: “You lads can bat.”

Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”

Q. What do you call an Australian with a celebratory champagne bottle in his hand?

A. A waiter.

Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?

A.The ironing lady who does their whites

Q. What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?

A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. Why is no one drinking beer in Australia at the moment?

A. They don’t have any openers

Q. What’s the difference between Cinderella and an Australian batsman?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Ouch…

More of the best Australian Jokes here!

Who will win 2010 Melbourne Cup

Well, you’ve come to the right place. All the Melbourne cup 2010 winners here and how we calculate them. Read this, then prepare for 3pm Tuesday the 2nd November Flemington racecourse and how to spend your winnings. Really…

Us at the Kaksak offices are not wealthy enough to fly to Melbourne for the event and haven’t got poncy suits or check-you, check-me-back sunglasses, so we will most likely bet at the Penrith Panthers watching on the big screen and eating all we can eat at the Bistro.

We also have experience at picking winners. This is a picture of our prediction for the Melbourne Cup 2009. Not sure how we got it so wrong but we chowed bread for 6 weeks, Gazza said it was a sure thing. Also had to duck and dive much of the local community who we had also given the tip to.

Our last years Melboure Cup pick
2009 Kaksak Melbourne Cup Prediction

We are determined like the CBA to be deifferent this year and win our money back and more, and redeem ourselves in the community. This had nothing to do with why we moved from Penrith to Bankstown, that is another story.

Firstly our methodology involved looking at the horses in the top half of the odds. The horses with long odds are unlikely to won, but a favourite of horse with semi decent odds must stand a chance right? The average odds over the last 20 years per Betfair are $14.8 with the highest being $48 and the lowest $3.50. In the 20 years only 3 horses were over $20 and 11 horses over $10, so looking at the top half of the horses running is valid. Step 1.

With this in mind we reviewed all the horses and their odds. The average odds for a win is $120 and we assume the horse to win must be better than average. Looking at all the horses with lower odds leaves us with a  shortlist of 33 based on odds as at 29th October the following per Centrebet.

The we eliminated foreign horses as it is unlikely a foreign horse will take home the prize. Just saying, that all, That leaves 24 horses of the 33 still to bet on. Step 2.

We then eliminated the horses that ran in the Caufield Cup, sort of. This is becoming a mission now and we are drinking beer. Gazza is also pretty kak on Excel and just deleted a column by mistake so not sure were this will end up, but I feel it is the Kaksaks destiny to see the future and to see who will win the Melbourne Cup. We now have 19 horses left.

We then eliminated the horses with ran in the Lexus Stakes as we reckon they would be too tired and probably stiff come Tuesday. This left 10, as only Shocking ran in the Lexus Stakes. Not on his own, but I mean of the group running in the Melbourne Cup. Step 3.

We are now getting to the pointy end. We now eliminated horses with names of ex girlfriends, assholes we know of just generally people who give us the shits. This left 11 horses. Step 4.

Kylie then call the Physic line and paid $5.50 for 5 minutes which actually helped us f…all, but when she sold it to us it seemed like a great idea. Jut those automated systems can’t take questions. So we then held hands and tried to visualise the winner, I had a great vision, reconstructed below especially for readers.

Visualising the Melbourne Cup winner in our minds

Just before I could check the winning horse number Gazza farted and after that all we could visualise was turds. Think Paulie’s one eyebrow actually started smoldering it was so foul. That Kentucky can really build up the gases. But we at the kaksak don’t give up easy when it comes to helping readers know who will win the Melbourne Cup. So after airing the room, getting our horse thoughts together and looking at pictures of Toula, Gazza’s ex who looks like a horse we were back.

The trainers then with the most wins are Bart Cummings, obviously, Etienne de Mestre, and Lee Freedman. Of the 11 horses remaining the following were trained by one of these men (Step 5):

  • So you Think (Bart) and odds $4.40
  • Above Average (Freedman) and odds of $151 – we included anyway
  • Dariana (Bart)  and odds of $34
  • Precedence (Bart) and odds of $16
  • Faint Perfume (Bart) and odds of $35

Based on this racing science we reckon the following:

Top 3 horses will be :

  1. Precedence
  2. Above Average
  3. So you Think

You might also just want to pick a name you think is cool and put your hard earned cash on that, the chances of winning are actually probably higher. But if you do win, remember where you heard it first and out commission rate is a mere 50% of winnings less the original bet. You go girls…

Springboks v New Zealand in Auckland

We at the Kaksak offices are cautiously unoptimistic today. Hopefully Pieter has now learnt the full implications of jetlag and the Bokke have settled down and getting enough doodies.

From the Springbok camp:

Mr Matfield confirmed Bakkies has been behaving like a tourist given he is out of a job for 9 weeks and giving them all the shits. Every morning when they go to train early he hangs out the window in his singlet singing na na nanan na, and then plays on his Nintendo DS the whole day boasting about his high scores when they get back.

In preparation the bokke have been eating raw meat, and swopping stories of the 1995 world cup and talking about just how they are going to give one to the Kiwi’s. Actually this was before they went out partying on Saturday night, not sure what they have been talking about before the game this week. Certain roles have been handed out in the Springbok camp to ensure they can learn responsibility, like tackling and scoring.

  • Kakstripe Habana has also been doing the coffee run every morning, he is the fastest
  • Banana hands Burger is responsible for fetching lunch every day. He is the only one with big enough hands to carry 32 quarter pounders at once
  • John Smit counts everyone every morning, not only because he is captain but also because he can count to 15. Apparently the 6 reservers have been left behind now a number of times are are getting really pissed off
  • Bakkies counts the number of beers they all drink every night, apparently the limit is 3, Pieter is still figuring out who the guests are who drink the rest and leave without saying thank you
  • Mr Matfield tucks everyone in at night, Fok it, no wonder they cannot sleep…

From the All Black camp:

The All Blacks have got a new Haka including bending over and giving a brown eye and also pulling the finger at their opponents. Apparently a more contemporary version given the changes in society and the fact that the Haka was losing its following with the younger crowd. The suggestion that they were hoodies and ipods while doing the haka was however rejected by the New Zealand rugby board.

They have also been eating raw meat, in fact the whole sheep raw including the wool and bones. Apart from hardening up, I understand the farting is terrible and they have gone through 3 physio’s and the team doctor has resigned and claiming permanent lung damage. Air New Zealand while putting all the Kiwi team on the no fly list, has been bottling the stuff and testing it for use on military aircraft, given the US is now running their fighter jets on vegetable oil. The jets are flying 30% faster with no refining, and after a flyover 60% of the people below suffered some form of breaking problem. Unfortunately it was an outing from the local old age home so test are inconclusive and there has been little press coverage of the event for obvious reasons.

McCaw is happy with his teams performance and says he is “going to step it up a notch”. From last week!!

So we look forward to the kick off, 7:35 pm New Zealand and apparently Fiji time in Auckland.

Off to the bottle shop for my case of VB.

 

RWC 2011 analysis here…

Go Springboks

We are literally rooting for the Springbokke this afternoon. Gazza is lost as he is an Aussie, and hates both the Kiwi and South African teams and Kylie thinks rugby is something you do on the rug in front of the gas heater after a dinner at McDonalds and a action flick at the drive in. Thus the rooting. Anyway, back to the most important matter. RUGBY.

This game is going to be huge. Both these sides are at the top of their game, which depresses Gazza even more as the Wallabies are sort of at the bottom.  The All Blacks having lost to the Bokke in last years Tri Nations are playing at Eden park and the last time the Bokke won there was during the Rindepest in 1937.

Think they caught a boat there back then, no planes yet, it took 6 months to travel too and from, they had to carry 300 rugby balls as they kept on losing them over the side and the Super 10 as it was known then took 8 years to play, with many players retiring and some children of the players taking their positions for their final.

McCaw (All Black El Capitano) said Friday he wants to set the record straight, i.e. it is going to be ugly. They are doing the special throat/ cut,  buf#$k haka for the Bokke.

While there is new blood in the team, the old legends banana hands Burger, kakstripe Habana and that the 1 person I would not like to meet in a dark alley Victor Matfield are in. Notice I didn’t make fun of Mr Matfield. Apparently the reason he is always unshaven is due to the fact that they have not made a razor that can function properly at the altitude of his chin. Dr Smit is in charge and “little trucks” Botha will also be there to scare the All Blacks. Im am very happy to be on my couch with beer and not facing these angry men on a cold field with thousands of screaming, angry kiwis, who want to rip off their heads and kak into their lungs so they have permanent bad breath. And that is just the Kiwi chicks.

Rocococococo, Carter, Mealamu will be in the All Black side. I swear Mealamu does not feel pain. Once Chuck Norris round house kicked him and he didn’t realise at the time that was what had happened. He actually continued eating the sheep he found. It was only established years later by experiments on the international space station that there was a glitch in the global magnetic field emanating from New Zealand around that time and also explained the death of 3,000 sheep who were in a field close by and died from shock waves. Apparently Mealamu ate those too.

Ofcourse the national anthem will be sung, lets hope by some reasonably normal person who knows the words and then let the Kiwi ass kicking begin.

Good luck Bokke, don’t worry about the fact that you havent won there since 1937, I feel as if I havent been laid for that amount of time and I havent given up, yet…. There are always options. Good luck, Charles Glass here we come. Oh, and I managed to get some Biltong from the Springbok butchery in Lane Cove who make the best biltong in Africa Australia. Lots of boere there this morning actually, was a bit scary, I felt like I was in Bloemfontein. Where did they all come from? and what is Julia Gillard going to do about them, process them in Madagascar? Another story, another day.

Six tactics for the Bokke today, we at the Kaksak have decided to share, don’t thank us now, thank us later:

  1. When they start doing the Haka, start doing the “wax on, wax off” with your eyes closed looking like you are meditating. Carry on for 3 minutes after they have finished.
  2. When they have finished the Haka, step forward and ask them if they are going to do the Haka?
  3. Drop some skaap drolletjies into the scrum as you ‘engage”. They will start arguing about whose pocket they fell out of
  4. Hide the ball behind one of Bakkies’ ears and then run for the try line. Get Matfield to put Habana under his jersey so it looks like he is hiding the ball there and then get him to act suspiciously after a loose scrum, while Bakkies scores
  5. Keep on calling McCaw, McDonald, when he asks why, tell him the way they are pushing in the scrum you thought his team was a drive through
  6. Constantly tell them, “you know how I know you’re gay” one liners during the scrums and go for the penalty when they finally crack
  7. When the one liners are done, wait 2 scrums then ask if that is deodorant or marinade the forwards are wearing. This task should really be allocated to Matfield or Botha, or maybe Burger, but only because he does not feel pain
  8. Eat peri peri chicken and droe wors on the bus to the game and break wind continually in every lose scrum, until they refuse to put their heads in then change tactics
  9. If anyone punches you, ask them what they think their mother might be thinking of their behaviour, right then? Then say, don’t worry, Ill ask her myself tonight…
  10. When players are exchanged, ask them if they are leaving because they have to report to their parole officer?

Without further adoo, off to the beer fridge to start this rugby journey.

What Bafana Bafana need to win the Soccer World Cup

We at the Kaksak, being the soccer experts that we are decided to evaluate Bafana Bafana chances of winning the World Cup. Our methodology included the following:

  • Case of VB
  • Getting some of the cousins around
  • Talking sport for 2 hours
  • All aspects of Bafana Bafana’s current game analysed using the XBox
  • The last 10 wins of Bafana were analysed to see what made them the winning team. We could however get all the tapes, they were not televising games that far back and some of the beta tapes would no longer work

We came to the statistically horrifying outcome, that to win Bafana Bafana would have to adopt 1 of the following 2 strategies:

Strategy 1 : Some minor changes to the new Soweto stadium as follows:

New proposed soccer firled for Bafana to win world cup

Strategy 2: A new team, selected below

New proposed Bafana Bafana World Cup Team 2010

We believe that logistically strategy number 2 will be far easier to implement. We have forwarded both option to Jacob for consideration. Remember where you heard it first.