Tag Archives: Valentines day

Valentines Day no nos

Things you should not be saying or don’t want to hear on Valentines Day:

  • Shall we split the bill?
  • I’m tired, I might head home
  • I’ve lost my keys
  • I think the batteries are flat…
  • Did you bring the beer?
  • It won’t start!
  • I have a headache
  • You have a headache?
  • I think I might puke!
  • There is something I have to tell you!
  • Reminds me of Chuck Norris
  • Anything to do with ex girlfriends or boyfriends
  • Looks like it fell out my wallet, maybe at your mom’s place?
  • Can I read you this poem I wrote for you
  • This is my friend Kylie, she is starting weight watchers and wanted to come to dinner with us
  • I will be there at 6 to serenade you
  • My parents aren’t going away any more
  • Remember that video we took..
  • There is something we have to talk about

So long suckers. Enjoy Valentines Day….

Valentines Day! Do not let it run you over!

So how many single men does it take to avoid Valentines Day? None! Its never happened. How many get lucky on Valentines Day. Well only 39.6% and then around 42% within a week and 56% within 2 years. But what you should know is that on any other given night people, both men and women with intent will get lucky around 69%. Well actually that’s 100% for women and 35% for men, the difference accounts for the gay population who help bring the average up.

So check out our Valentines Day Gifts, carefully researched. All the best ideas, right here! Actually, set your objectives first then read our carefully concocted gift list to help you achieve your goals. That is what the Kaksak is all about helping our boys and gals get further in life.

We note. No affiliate and no sponsored posts here, this was all our own brilliance!

You and Valentines Day! What should you do?

  • You are in love with a self obsessed, narcissistic tool! This can be good as you don’t have to love him or her, they totally in love with themselves.Awesome narcissist gift idea. Remember, whatever you do, do not tell him to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror.
  • You want to end it but are too scared too, she is bigger than you: Email her a link to this online check your weight tool?from your Gmail account and then close it. Quick. Also move interstate. Darwin is good. Never, never come back.
  • You want to end it because he is such a Geek! Never gets out, always on his f#$king computer. This is it, put your foot down, open the curtains and order one of these, don’t worry he will never email, Skype, Twitter or Facebook you again. Just make sure you return the Play Station.
  • You want to end it, but you need him to drive you to work. The bus sucks! So no sex, don’t get the wrong idea, just want to be friends, you happen to have a work function on V Day night can you believe it, the bastards you say, but you need to keep your work transport going, need to get to work you know. Here is the perfect “get no ideas” gift. If you order this you also really need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, unless ofcourse you get gift idea #1 as well.
  • If you want to give her the shits big time, then buy her this.?Guaranteed or your money back. Might not work if she is Geek. Consider carefully before ordering.
  • You need all the help you can get, no guarantees here but it has been known to get at the least a one night stand! Seriously, and who gives a shit if you can’t pay your rent or eat for the next 7 months, the sweet memories will linger on. No trust us, not…
  • If all you think about is sex, then you?wouldn’t?be here anyway. Probably be on a porn site so this is just a?place holder.
  • If you have been dating, but only fully clothed and need to bring it to a head, excuse the pun! You haven’t had sex yet, but this is the big one, go big or go home, this is the night it’s going down. Here is what we suggest. Just don’t let it get unwrapped at dinner. You might also want to practice your right arm block for the head slap and bring a change of shirt so you can change after you get the glass of red wine on your head. But hey, YOLO.
  • If you you want to be in the 39,6% every time, especially if you are married. Actually no, single and want to wake up with a smile on your dial. Thy this, helping get Australians laid for years now. No seriously Traditional Valentines, boring but effective flowers. You can’t go wrong. Statistically, the bigger the bottle the more your chances increase, but this does not apply to the more roses you send. Actually a magnum of champagne and 1 rose will significantly increase your chances of getting lucky and is statistically 2,350% high chance than 1,500 roses and 1ml of Champagne has.
  • If you seriously want to get laid, but don’t really give a shit and couldn’t be bothered. Nothing we suggest is really going t help then.

So good luck and good night and remember. If its not on, its not on. Actually if you a guy, its always on, except if its not if you know what I mean. Good luck and enjoy Valentines Day. And if all else fails, speak to Riaan at the Springbok butcher, they have excellent gift ideas… Also we did a statistics course, kind of, in the pub and you really should not rely ont he quoted statistics, they are for informational purposes only.

 

Male Fairy Tale

Yes there is such a thing as a male fairy tale…

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

Recent trip to Africa

So my mate Gazza decided to visit South Africa given the cheap Rand. A case of beer is less than 10 bucks but then it is Castle and 3 million speed cops cant be wrong. Anyways he sent this pic with the words HELP!!. Apparently there was a misunderstanding with one of the local ladies after a long drinking session. Havent heard from him since. Should we at the Kaksak be worried?

Demonstrators - Jobs not penis
Demonstrators

Ultimate Valentines Day Gift

Here you have it. The ultimate Valentines Day Gift, courtesy of Springbok Delights on Mowbray Road in Lane Cove. Well done guys, the missus was thrilled that I remembered and ofcourse as she only eats a little wors there was more for me at the Sunday lunch braai. Again, as they say in Australia “Love your work”.

You cannto get better when you love her than this....
You cannot get better than this. Say "I love you" with Boerie..

Does your Boerie say “I love you”?

More jokes on our homepage…